British Public Remind Prime Minister That He Works For Them

The British public has issued a statement to Prime Minister David Cameron, telling him to take his feet off the desk and stop swanning around like he owns the bloody place.

“We can’t fire you, but we’re watching you, you ham-faced little turdbag,”

Said the statement. It goes on to detail how the Prime Minister is traditionally a “keystone of the Cabinet arch’ and ‘a sun around which planets revolve’ rather than a swirling abyss of privileged smuggery that would murder its own constituents with a lump hammer if there was a quid in it for him.

The statement, which includes a great deal of colorful language and vulgar imagery involving goats, witchcraft and Jimmy Saville, ends with a surprisingly civilized reminder that the Prime Minister works for the people, not the other way around. Downing Street have declined to comment on the statement.

Wicked Witch Can’t Wait To Curse Royal Baby

A bitter, maligned old witch with a grudge and a warty nose has spoken of her joy at the news of another royal baby.

Agnes Evil, 182, from a cave in Wales, narrowly missed putting a curse on Prince George, due to her hip replacement making it difficult for her to ride her broomstick. But she is looking forward to casting an ironic enchantment upon the second royal baby, due any time now.

“My family has been cursing royal babies on and off for hundreds of years. Charles’s curse was cast by my mother, and it was to have a wife more popular than him, who would bear a ginger boy-child to another man. And to be ancient when he was finally crowned, and also to believe in silly woo-woo crap like talking to plants. I can’t reveal what is in store for William and Harry, although part of the prophecy was fulfilled when Harry dressed up as a Nazi and it was in all the papers,”

Agnes is taking no chances this time, and is staying in a hotel close to the hospital where the royal baby will be born.

“It’s very nice here. There’s a flushing loo and a sink, although they have banned me from cooking frogs in the room, or bringing in live pigeons and extracting their tongues with tweezers, as it made a mess of the bedroom carpet. I’ve bought some frozen ones instead, which they are keeping on ice for me, so hopefully they will work just as well,”

Agnes is keeping the twisted, awful nature of the curse to herself for now, although she has hinted at “Scandal, debauchery and something to do with elephants. Mark my words, this is going to be a doozy” although she has categorically denied including any gingerness in her evil spell.

The Stig Will Not Be Released Into The Wild

Following the departure of presenters James May and Richard Hammond, the producers of ‘Top Gear’ recommended that that ‘The Stig’ should be released back into the wild. But this has raised objections from experts, who believe that a purpose built, secure sanctuary should house the anonymous racing driver, suggesting the town of Milton Keynes as a possible site.

The BBC claim that the driver cannot quit the show like the other presenters, as he was bought from a luxury racing driver dealer in Dubai and shipped to the UK in a crate. But locals are worried that the white-suited speed fiend may cause havoc, especially if he escapes onto the roads.

“He’s afraid of bells, confused by stairs and thinks that Northerners are edible. Can you imagine something like that trying to rag around the roundabouts of Milton Keynes? What if he escaped and wandered onto the station where he might encounter somebody from Manchester with a missed connection?”

Said a local MP. A petition to house The Stig in a purpose built bunker far away from Milton Keynes has had several thousand signatures already. But the BBC maintain that it would be cruel to shut The Stig away in a concrete bunker for the rest of its natural life, and that it needs “Fresh air, a well maintained track and a selection of vehicles, not to mention a highly-trained pit crew” in order to thrive.

The BBC has denied claims that the publicity shy racing driver is
eleven small, highly trained spider-monkeys in a racing suit, but have confirmed that they are looking into building “A sort of cross between Colditz, Butlins and Hockenheimring”

Tractor Driving Dog ‘Strong Contender’ For Top Gear

Rumours that Jeremy Clarkson could be replaced by a tractor driving dog named Don were confirmed this afternoon. Kim Shillinglaw, who has the job of replacing Clarkson after he was controversially fired for attacking a crew member, has suggested that Don the Sheepdog is a ‘strong contender’ for the vacant position on the popular motoring show ‘Top Gear’.

Don, who took control of a tractor and drove it onto a motorway after being left in the passenger seat, was said to be ‘delighted’ at the news he was in the running for the role, and ran around howling with joy, before licking his balls for half an hour, and digging up his smelliest bone in celebration.

His owner, a farmer from Scotland, said that Don was a very clever dog, had won many ploughing competitions and can pull wheelies in most farm vehicles. He claimed that his dog would probably lap The Stig in a Vauxhall Astra. But he warned that Don would be unavailable for filming during lambing season, due to his important role as tractor co-pilot.

“This is exactly the sort of daft bollocks we need more of on the show,” said a producer.

“Never mind people that are funny and can talk about cars, especially if they’re women. Don’s a red-blooded male who’d hump your leg soon as look at it, and he knows a thing or two about driving. What he did today was amazing. We’re thinking of adding a new feature to the show called ‘Dog On A Motorway’, where we put dogs behind the wheels of various vehicles and plow them down the embankment,”

BBC Licence Fee Replaced With Human Sacrifice

The introduction of a universal fee to replace the current TV license is expected to be backed by the BBC Director General Lord Hall.

Plans to include the sacrifice of the first born child in the family, or a one-off exemption fee of several thousand pounds have been discussed.

Households that do not own a TV or watch TV at all will still have to pay the flat rate fee, and offer up their first born son or daughter under the age of 18, for ritual sacrifice in a ‘Hunger Games’ style scenario.

“Single child families will of course be exempt from the ruling. But households of two or more children or teenagers will be obliged to hand over the eldest, for inclusion in a televised fight to the death with medieval style weaopons,”

Said Lord Hall. “There is an option to pay a one-off fee to save your precious first-born from the horror of participation in a violent TV reality show, where they may die or have to brutally murder their peers. We were considering charging an extra fee for BBC services, but this is a more creative, and I feel a fairer way to close the loophole. The children of families on low incomes will have the chance to earn their freedom by slaughtering and battering other contestants with a selection of weapons. The revenue generated by subscribers to the show will ensure funding for future high-quality programming, such as The Great British Bake-Off,”

Alf Garnett Sacked By BBC

Loveable comedy bigot Alf Garnett has been spectacularly fired by the BBC.

The star of 1970’s sitcom ‘Til Death Us Do Part” was involved in a ‘fracas’ with a crew member, after he was served a plate of Thai style food by a producer on the show.

He is alleged to have grumbled “I’m not eating that bloody foreign muck, it looks like sick. I want a proper British steak, with BSE in it,” before throwing the plate of food at the producer’s head and accusing him of being a Romanian pickpocket with several illegitimate daughters.

Lord Hall, the Director General of the BBC announced his decision earlier today. He thanked Garnett for his work on the popular show, but stated that such behaviour could not be tolerated at the Corporation.

“Look old bean. If it was just abusing kiddies backstage at Top of the Pops, or roaming around hospital mortuaries shagging dead bodies in the middle of the night, we could have let it slide. But I’m afraid this really won’t do,”

It is thought that Garnett may sign for US TV network Netflix, with a controversial new history show dedicated to proving that Jesus was English, and that Enoch Powell was just actually a bit misunderstood.

Everybody From The 1980’s To Be Charged With Paedophilia

Every single celebrity that was on the telly or radio during the 1980’s is to be formally charged with paedophilia and sent to prison, the Metropolitan Police Service have revealed.

“It’s costing a great deal of money to pursue individual cases, so we’re just automatically charging everybody with paedophilia, and then sorting out the wheat from the chaff from there,”

Said a spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police.

Household names from the 1980’s are said to be “bricking it”, with some leaving the country this morning.

Among those remaining and likely to be arrested are Angela Rippon, Basil Brush, Keith Chegwin, Kate Aidie, Orville, and Torville and Dean.

“If they were on TV in the 1980’s, it’s highly likely that they are guilty of something, so we’re just locking them all up until we figure out where everybody is on the Pedo-Tree,”

Said the spokesperson.

“After all, nearly everybody must have know it was going on, even if they didn’t do it themselves.

BBC ‘Definitely Not’ Murdering Celebrities And Journalists

The BBC have issued a public service announcement, to reassure viewers that they are not systematically culling presenters and journalists that put them in a sticky spot over allegations of child abuse and corruption. This is the statement in full.

“This is a public service announcement by the BBC. Please do not be alarmed at the alarming rate that celebrities, TV presenters and journalists are being downgraded or dying in mysterious circumstances. It is all merely a coincidence, and there is nothing to worry about.

Of course we’re not demoting or forcing out the whistleblowers that exposed the whole scandal, that doesn’t actually exist because it’s not true. This is the BBC, not the CIA. You’ll be accusing us of knocking off Tupac next. It’s all very silly.

The deaths of meddling busybody Jill Dando was down to a nut-nut, and it could happen to anyone, so make sure you don’t answer the door to strangers.

The daughter of right-on celebrity mouthpiece Peaches Geldof, that coincidentally started Tweeting the names of child abusers was down to drugs, and everybody knows you die from drugs if you take drugs.

Unpredictable comedian and family man Rik Mayall, who worked alongside many celebs suspected of involvement with the completely fiction paedophile ring operating at the highest levels of government and the media, died unexpectedly of a dodgy ticker, and that’s all there is to it.

We’re doing a new series of The Great British Bake-Off soon, featuring anyone still standing after Operation Yewtree is all cleared up, with celebrity host Cliff Richard, so stay tuned for that. And remember, we know where you live because we’ve got special listening vans, so best not chit-chat too much about this whole nasty business near your TV, because you never know if they’re listening,”

2015 UK Eurovision Entry ‘Shittest Yet’

The UK entry for the Eurovision Song Contest has finally been announced – and experts say it’s the worst yet, and everybody hates it.

Radio DJ Chris Evans said:

“This is the musical equivalent of bowel surgery. I haven’t hated a song this much since ‘Let Her Go’ by Passenger, which made me want to punch myself in the face,”

The song ‘Still In Love With You’, which sounds like ‘Doop’ being bummed by Cotton Eye Joe and then being fed into a sausage machine testicles-first, has been criticised for its ‘creepy’ lyrics.

“It sounds like a conversation between an overbearing, jealous boyfriend that doesn’t want his girlfriend to go on holiday in case she cheats on him. She’s going to spend the entire time answering moany texts and explaining her plans for the day in tedious detail. She should dump him instead of singing back to him,”

Said a 15 year old schoolgirl & Eurovision fan.

“I usually watch Eurovision with my Nan, and we always cheer at the UK entry no matter how crap it is. But this time I think I’ll go and make her a cup of tea when Electro Velvet come on,”

The two singers in the video have been criticised for their lack of on-screen chemistry, evident in the photograph above, where they both look like they’ve just won a costume competition at Butlins.

“I’ve seen deader eyes than that, but only inside a morgue,”

Said a Eurovision expert.

“Obviously it’s a bit awkward pretending to fancy somebody, but these two don’t even look like they like each other. It’s like a second division footballer and his sister-in-law have made an expensive karaoke video for a joke, and then fallen out on the day of filming.  Really quite appalling,”

“Well I rather like it actually.  Can you get it as a ring tone?”

Said Nigel Farage.

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