Taiwanese Dog Wins Rory McGrath Lookalike Competition

A dog from Taiwan has won the twenty-third international Rory McGrath lookalike competition.

The dog’s owner said:

“We are thrilled to have won. My dog has no idea that he resembles the 57 year old British comedian Rory McGrath, and even if he did understand, he probably wouldn’t care. But I am deeply honoured to accept the award on my dog’s behalf, and I have renamed him Rory and bought him a bone. He still has no idea what’s going on,”

The dog’s owner was unaware of the uncanny resemblance when she had its hair cut into the trendy ‘bubble’ shape, popular with fashionable pooches in Taiwan. A British tourist wanted her picture taken with the dog, who claimed that the dog reminded her of somebody off the telly, but she couldn’t think who.

“Everywhere I went, people were pointing at the dog and shouting ‘That dog reminds me of someone…beard…curly hair….on the telly….tip of me tongue…’ and things like that. So when I got home, I Googled British people with curly hair that are on TV, and immediately spotted Rory McGrath. After I’d finished laughing, I noticed that there was a competition. So I flew to the UK and entered Prince. He won the competition, and we are flying back today with a large ham, a case of ale, some Marks and Spencer’s vouchers and a signed photograph of Rory McGrath,”

Twats Tweeting Twattily About Apple Watch On Twitter

Twats worldwide have been Tweeting twattilly on Twitter about their new Apple watches.

“Look at me, I’ve got a black and gold one!”

Tweeted a twat in Australia, proudly showing of his twatty new wristwear to his twat friends.

Twats on twat-playground Instagram that pre-ordered the Apple watch have been taking twatty pictures of themselves unboxing the twatty new technology, designed especially for twats.

Twattily using loads of hashtags to alert as many Instagram users as possible that they’re a massive twat with the technology to prove it, many twats opted for the particularly twatty #nofilter hashtag to tag selfies of them wearing the watch. This is twat shorthand for ‘I like, don’t need a flattering filter to make me good looking’ thus proving that they are twats.

A twat in the UK posted a picture of his arm showing the watch, a ‘casually placed’ expensive laptop in the background and an Armani cufflink on his twatty purple shirt. Other users snapped their watch synching with their I-Phone, as if this would somehow compensate for them being a twat, and some twat of a footballer even got invited to the Apple store to be personally shown how to set up the twatty piece of arm equipment.

23 delusional twats in Sydney, Australia spent several hours of their twatty lives that they’re never going to get back, fruitlessly queuing outside the Apple store to buy one. Unfortunately for these wannabe twats, the true twats tweeting twattily about their pre-ordered Twat-watches are going to have the last laugh. Twattily, probably.

BBC Licence Fee Replaced With Human Sacrifice

The introduction of a universal fee to replace the current TV license is expected to be backed by the BBC Director General Lord Hall.

Plans to include the sacrifice of the first born child in the family, or a one-off exemption fee of several thousand pounds have been discussed.

Households that do not own a TV or watch TV at all will still have to pay the flat rate fee, and offer up their first born son or daughter under the age of 18, for ritual sacrifice in a ‘Hunger Games’ style scenario.

“Single child families will of course be exempt from the ruling. But households of two or more children or teenagers will be obliged to hand over the eldest, for inclusion in a televised fight to the death with medieval style weaopons,”

Said Lord Hall. “There is an option to pay a one-off fee to save your precious first-born from the horror of participation in a violent TV reality show, where they may die or have to brutally murder their peers. We were considering charging an extra fee for BBC services, but this is a more creative, and I feel a fairer way to close the loophole. The children of families on low incomes will have the chance to earn their freedom by slaughtering and battering other contestants with a selection of weapons. The revenue generated by subscribers to the show will ensure funding for future high-quality programming, such as The Great British Bake-Off,”

Antonio Banderas To Study Being A Hipster

Hollywood star Antonio Banderas has revealed that he wants to be a London hipster, and hang around Camden nightclubs with a bored expression and an ironic hairdo.

The 54 year old star revealed plans to study fashion at Saint Martin’s college of art on the TV ‘Loose Women’.

An ex-graduate of Saint Martins, that now works in Laura Ashley as an interior designer explained exactly what this means.

“OMG it’s like the best time of your life. You get to say you’re at Saint Martins, which is kind of like being a rock star. As in, you feel like a rock star. Nobody else really cares, until you get to the second year, and then you’re like a rock star to the freshers, because you’ve perfected your sneer and bored expression. You get a certain haircut, whatever’s trendy that year, and then you laugh at people with the wrong haircuts in night clubs, or when you go to sneer at up & coming bands in the Camden area. Sometimes we used to walk through Shoreditch market in a group, all wearing skinny trousers and shades, and just sneering at everything because it was all so last year and like, shitty. It is just the best, and I can’t recommend it enough,”

It is likely that Antonio Banderas will grow a kind of impractical, floppy hairdo, or get extensions in time for the start of term. He will also have to learn how to exist on a diet of caffeine and ironic street food, so as to fit into his size 26 Topman jeans.

Our Hipster insider said:

“You can’t just eat normally when you’re at Saint Martins. Everything has to be bought from street vendors, whether they’re selling burgers and chips, or it’s an expensive pop up smoothie and sushi bar. You can’t be seen dead in Waitrose or Lidl, that’s like Hipster Death. Hipsters rarely cook, and when they do, they like, totally Instagram it,”

Petition To Swap Kanye For White Overpaid Egomaniac

Fans of ‘real music’ and Guardian-reading Coldplay & Biffy Clyro listeners have signed a petition to swap Hip Hop artist Kanye West with a ‘Proper Rock Band’ at the Glastonbury festival this year.

The man that created the petition claimed that he was just trolling Kanye, because he thinks he’s a dick. But over 6000 music fans have signed the petition, which is currently trending on Facebook and Twitter.

A man from Australia that isn’t even going to the festival said he signed the petition because:

“This is a musical injustice, and it’s just political correctness gone mad. Rock music headliners need two things: A white guy and a guitar. Preferably multiples of both, but one will do. I vote we swap this overpaid egomaniac with a white one, like Bono, who at least makes music that I understand,”

Other petition signers grudgingly mentioned that they might accept a girl on the main stage, as long as there was “No Hip Hop references, and no running about in half a tracksuit and a sparkly bra, even if it is Madonna,”

Critics of the petition claim that it’s a bit unfair to moan about an act that you’re not even going to see, as there are many other acts playing on several stages on the Saturday night.

“This is bloody Glastonbury, not the X-Factor Road Show,”

Grumbled an Oasis fan in Manchester.

“I don’t care who it is, as long as they have a bit of a gravelly voice and somebody plays the guitar,”

Coffee Cups Made From Recycled Hipsters

A Kickstarter scheme is hoping to raise eleven million dollars for a new ‘green’ type of disposable coffee cup.

“Organ donation and pledging your remains to medial science is like, sooooo last century,”

Said Justin Twat, CEO of Cuppa Coffin, a company that recycles the mortal remains of people that live in Shoreditch and Camden, and turns them into cups for chains such as Costa Coffee and Starbucks.

‘Our consumers are young professionals, and when they pop their clogs they want to still feel a part of the daily hustle and bustle, overpriced properties and muggings that they think is so bloody brilliant. Being cremated and then turned into approximately one thousand coffee cups ensures that they still get to ride about on the tube and sit around in offices with abstract paintings on the walls, and be a part of conversations like “Ooooooh my Gooooood! I haven’t seen you in aaaaages! Love your hat! We must go out!”

“Then, when the customer finishes their coffee, they simply chuck it in the bin, or drop it on the floor in the Tube, and it goes straight into a landfill site,”

The City of London produces tonnes of waste from disposable coffee cups every day, and this exciting new initiative ensures that the coffee cups of young professionals and creative are just that bit more special, more exciting and just better than everyone else’s.

BBC ‘Definitely Not’ Murdering Celebrities And Journalists

The BBC have issued a public service announcement, to reassure viewers that they are not systematically culling presenters and journalists that put them in a sticky spot over allegations of child abuse and corruption. This is the statement in full.

“This is a public service announcement by the BBC. Please do not be alarmed at the alarming rate that celebrities, TV presenters and journalists are being downgraded or dying in mysterious circumstances. It is all merely a coincidence, and there is nothing to worry about.

Of course we’re not demoting or forcing out the whistleblowers that exposed the whole scandal, that doesn’t actually exist because it’s not true. This is the BBC, not the CIA. You’ll be accusing us of knocking off Tupac next. It’s all very silly.

The deaths of meddling busybody Jill Dando was down to a nut-nut, and it could happen to anyone, so make sure you don’t answer the door to strangers.

The daughter of right-on celebrity mouthpiece Peaches Geldof, that coincidentally started Tweeting the names of child abusers was down to drugs, and everybody knows you die from drugs if you take drugs.

Unpredictable comedian and family man Rik Mayall, who worked alongside many celebs suspected of involvement with the completely fiction paedophile ring operating at the highest levels of government and the media, died unexpectedly of a dodgy ticker, and that’s all there is to it.

We’re doing a new series of The Great British Bake-Off soon, featuring anyone still standing after Operation Yewtree is all cleared up, with celebrity host Cliff Richard, so stay tuned for that. And remember, we know where you live because we’ve got special listening vans, so best not chit-chat too much about this whole nasty business near your TV, because you never know if they’re listening,”

Prince Philip ‘No Longer Britain’s Best Bigot’ Claims Jeremy Clarkson

‘Top Gear’ presenter Jeremy Clarkson has smashed the leading score on Top Gear’s “Racist Reasonably In Favour With The Public” leader board.

“That’s the fastest anyone’s ever gone from Allen Partridge to Princess Diana in the public eye,”

Said host Richard Hammond, referring to the petition to reinstate Clarkson.

In an interview about the controversy, Clarkson said:

“If Jonathan Ross called his dog Fatima Whitbread, smirked about it on Twitter and then tried to chin a producer during a tantrum, he’d be down the Jobcentre right now. It’s right there at the top of the board and official now. I’m currently the best bigot reasonably in favour with the public,”

Prince Phillip has consistently topped the leader board, despite the Top Gear team having to knock ten points off for him a royal, and fifteen points for being a senile, out of touch old cabbage-fart. But this time Clarkson has smashed it, destroyed it, ripped it up, and other euphemisms for achievement that sound sort of violent and manly.

“I’m relived in a way,”

Said a Top Gear fan from Grimsby.

“I was worried that when Prince Phillip pops his clogs, we won’t have anyone to regularly give us our vicarious racist thrill by insulting people in public and not ending up a jobless, social pariah, and we’d have to just keep watching ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ on repeat all the time,”

Joyriding Cocaine Weasel Epidemic Shocks Quiet Suburb

A quiet suburb in East London has been rocked by a spate of ‘Pecker Jackings’ by rogue teenaged weasels, thought to be high on cocaine and glue.

Police are urging residents to keep their woodpeckers inside, as the gang of drug-crazed hooligan weasels have been stealing them and riding them around the park in broad daylight.

One of the residents caught up in the afternoon attacks describes his terrifying ordeal. Pensioner Morris Sandwich said:

“I was walking my spaniel Hector to Waitrose at about 3pm yesterday. They came from nowhere, swooping from the trees on the back of three terrified woodpeckers. They swooped right past my ears and shouted obscenities at me. One of them made a rude gesture with its paw, and the one at the end threw a tiny beer can at my head. I’ve never seen anything like it,”

A hobbyist nature photographer, who was photographing some nice, well-behaved suburban wildlife at the time, snapped this photograph.

“I watched as a weasel leapt onto the woodpecker’s back. He shouted ‘Lads! I’ve got one! Time to burn rubber!” and forced the bird to fly around with it on its back.

“There was a slightly larger weasel nearby, who was wearing a studded jacket with ‘Badass’ written on the back above a skull. I believe this to be ringleader,”

“This has been going on for some time, but not to this extent,”

Said a local community officer.

“It’s a quiet neighbourhood generally, and everybody is just shocked by the behaviour of these weasels. It is believed that they are high on cocaine and glue, and that they may have been influenced by the computer game ‘Grand Theft Auto’.

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