BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

Matisse, the dog at the centre of the Britain’s Got Talent scandal has vowed to attend rehab, following accusations of cheating on the show.

“I need to address the issues I have with sausages” said Matisse in a press conference held earlier today.

It started off as a bit of fun, but my obsession with sausages has taken over my life. I will hold my paws up and admit that I got my mate Chase to walk the tightrope in the finale. I’m ashamed to say that I nipped backstage to scoff a Cumberland ring. This has gotten out of hand,”

Owner Julie O’Dwyer said that she was originally planning a fantasy sequence called ‘Indiana Bones and the Temple of Groom’ featuring an ancient Aztec grooming parlour and a giant rolly ball thing. But Matisse insisted on a storyline involving illegal sausage taking for the final leg of the show.

“I never expected the Pupparatzi to react like this. This is some woof justice, but there’s no way Matisse is going to bow wowt of the show with her tail between her legs. She was in the lead from the start, and this is just a pawful reaction,”

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

The Home Secretary Theresa May has proposed that flesh and blood police officers directly affected by budget cuts, can be “supplemented and supported” by an army of cardboard cut outs of Dixson of Dock Green, with a mechanical swinging truncheon.

The pilot scheme, which saw life-sized cardboard coppers in the corners of shops to prevent shoplifting, has rendered actual police officers “almost obsolete”, according to people that aren’t currently cops, criminals or victims of crime.

The ‘PaperBobs’ as the media will be instructed to call the cardboard officers, to ensure that they sound friendly and reassuring, will patrol neighbourhoods on special caterpillar tracks at approximately 4mph. Pre-loaded with a variety of helpful phrases such as “ello ello ello” and “I hope you young scamps aren’t up to mischief”, they will be a “reassuring presence” and a “strong deterrent” to criminals, according to the Home Secretary.

The new scheme will “allow us to go further and tick more boxes, as once cannot fill in mountains of paperwork when one is climbing over the wall of a squat in pursuit of a violent drug dealer with a machete. It is perfectly possible to make savings without compromising the quality of neighbourhood policing. But only if all new recruits are made of cardboard and simply trundle about saying ‘evening all’ to old ladies,”

Jeremy Kyle ‘Still A Bellend’ Say Experts

Modern witch finder general Jeremy Kyle’s pertinent rollocking about male victims of domestic violence may be trending today, but experts are quick to point out that he remains one of Britain’s biggest bell ends.

Lord Joldemort issued the dressing-down during an episode of his popular daytime show. For readers not familiar with ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’, it’s a sort of cross between a job centre waiting room on a Wednesday afternoon in Stoke-on-Trent, and a 17th century hanging. Populated mainly by cross-eyed peasants, whose ancestors may have mated with turnips at some point during the reign of Richard the Third, the show was inspired by medieval witch trials. Unfortunately both goats and other livestock as witnesses are not allowed due to health and safety concerns, and the traditional ducking stool has been replaced with a Polygraph test.

Jeremy Vile, as the British public affectionately knows him, acts as a kind of Papa Lazarus to the orgy of sex, lies and criminal dentistry that takes place on the stage, which is built over a deconsecrated plague pit, and said to be cursed.

Although Kyle’s tirade at the audience for laughing at a domestic violence incident was justified, say experts, they are also quick to point out that this in no way detracts from him being a humungous bell end.

“One of the biggest we’ve ever seen in fact,”

Said an expert.

“It’s rare that a bell end of such epic proportions survives into middle age, as barking “PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT!” at volatile peasants after berating them for an an hour in front of a baying mob can be extremely dangerous. But this wily old wanker has not only thrived, but also managed to spawn. A magnificent specimen indeed. Britain’s biggest in fact,”

The Stig Will Not Be Released Into The Wild

Following the departure of presenters James May and Richard Hammond, the producers of ‘Top Gear’ recommended that that ‘The Stig’ should be released back into the wild. But this has raised objections from experts, who believe that a purpose built, secure sanctuary should house the anonymous racing driver, suggesting the town of Milton Keynes as a possible site.

The BBC claim that the driver cannot quit the show like the other presenters, as he was bought from a luxury racing driver dealer in Dubai and shipped to the UK in a crate. But locals are worried that the white-suited speed fiend may cause havoc, especially if he escapes onto the roads.

“He’s afraid of bells, confused by stairs and thinks that Northerners are edible. Can you imagine something like that trying to rag around the roundabouts of Milton Keynes? What if he escaped and wandered onto the station where he might encounter somebody from Manchester with a missed connection?”

Said a local MP. A petition to house The Stig in a purpose built bunker far away from Milton Keynes has had several thousand signatures already. But the BBC maintain that it would be cruel to shut The Stig away in a concrete bunker for the rest of its natural life, and that it needs “Fresh air, a well maintained track and a selection of vehicles, not to mention a highly-trained pit crew” in order to thrive.

The BBC has denied claims that the publicity shy racing driver is
eleven small, highly trained spider-monkeys in a racing suit, but have confirmed that they are looking into building “A sort of cross between Colditz, Butlins and Hockenheimring”

Prince Philip ‘No Longer Britain’s Best Bigot’ Claims Jeremy Clarkson

‘Top Gear’ presenter Jeremy Clarkson has smashed the leading score on Top Gear’s “Racist Reasonably In Favour With The Public” leader board.

“That’s the fastest anyone’s ever gone from Allen Partridge to Princess Diana in the public eye,”

Said host Richard Hammond, referring to the petition to reinstate Clarkson.

In an interview about the controversy, Clarkson said:

“If Jonathan Ross called his dog Fatima Whitbread, smirked about it on Twitter and then tried to chin a producer during a tantrum, he’d be down the Jobcentre right now. It’s right there at the top of the board and official now. I’m currently the best bigot reasonably in favour with the public,”

Prince Phillip has consistently topped the leader board, despite the Top Gear team having to knock ten points off for him a royal, and fifteen points for being a senile, out of touch old cabbage-fart. But this time Clarkson has smashed it, destroyed it, ripped it up, and other euphemisms for achievement that sound sort of violent and manly.

“I’m relived in a way,”

Said a Top Gear fan from Grimsby.

“I was worried that when Prince Phillip pops his clogs, we won’t have anyone to regularly give us our vicarious racist thrill by insulting people in public and not ending up a jobless, social pariah, and we’d have to just keep watching ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ on repeat all the time,”

Kanye Brits Fail Due To ‘Higher Spiritual Vibration With Tupac And Michael Jackson

UK fans of the annual Brits award ceremony were disappointed when half of the rapper’s vocals appeared to be muted. But Kanye claims they weren’t muted – it’s just that only true fans could hear them, and everyone else is a stinky none-believer that doesn’t try hard enough to be a Kanye fan.

“What a load of shit!” said a fan from Leeds. “I used to like him, but I think he’s a bit of a cock-womble now,”

“What’s the point of even singing if you’re going to mute half of it?” asked loads of other people on Facebook, with some adding “Fuck you Kanye, you’re a dick”

In a statement after the performance, West told reporters that it was not a muddle-up about the watershed, or even due to ignoring advice that he would be muted and ruin the song. He claimed that the missing vocals from the track were “still there” in the song, but only real proper true Kanye fans that have bought all his DVDs and been to loads of gigs could hear them.

“I was on a higher plane during those parts,”

Said the star.

“I’d ascended to rap heaven at that point, and Tupac and Michael Jackson were jamming with me. If you couldn’t hear that, you’re operating on a lower vibration to the true fans, and I pity you and pray for you,”

 

Deal Or No Deal Banker Revealed As Mr. Blobby

Deal Or No Deal has been on our screens since 2005.  But until now, the identity of the enigmatic man speaking to Noel Edmonds on the retro telephone has remained a slightly sexy mystery, as we imagined a mildly angry, good looking stockbroker with a hedge fund the size of the QE2.  But we can now exclusively reveal that the banker is none other than Mr. Blobby, the burbling, pink star of Noel’s House Party.

In an interview with Vanity Fair, Blobby confirmed long-held suspicions that he was the mysterious, and sometimes mean financial risk expert, that bargained with the show’s contestants over the contents of the show’s famous red and blue boxes.

“BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY! BLOBBY BLOOBY!” said Blobby, belly-bouncing a makeup artist out of the second floor window of the Vanity Fair offices. “BLOBBY BLOBBY!”

Blobby and Edmonds have worked together for nearly twenty years, and ‘Deal or No Deal’ was partly Blobby’s idea. The show’s host Noel Edmonds said:

“I’ll never forget it. We were sitting in the green room having a cup of tea, and Blobby said “BLOBBY! BLOBBY BLOBBY!” and I thought yeah, that idea has legs. So we pitched it. It needed a bit of tweaking. It was originally going to involve water-cannons and buckets of slime, but Blobby pointed out that BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY, and it was obvious we had to strip the show right back to basics,”

Reports that the Stig from Top Gear is also Mr. Blobby remain unconfirmed.

Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

Sex To Be Replaced With Crossfit

BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

Chemtrails Are ‘Just Aeroplanes Trumping’ Claims Kylie Jenner

Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts