Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

A study into the behaviour of children under five years old has revealed that much of toddler’s more challenging behaviour is down to them being heartless little bastards, that sadistically enjoy tormenting adults.

The researchers secretly listened to the conversations of a hundred pairs of under-5s while they were alone in a room full of toys. While the researchers were watching, they played with the toys and tried to eat them. But when the researchers left the room and recorded the children playing, some of the conversations appeared to show malicious forethought and meticulous planning to an almost Machiavellian level.

A researcher that worked on the study said:

“I’m glad my kids are grown up. They were saying things like ‘you rip the pages out of that book and I’ll crap in her handbag, it’ll be hilarious’ and ‘you should have seen my nappy after I ate her entire collection of lipsticks, it was like somebody had clubbed a seal to death in the middle of a Pampers advert. LOL’. There is no doubt in my mind that under 5’s are simply bastards,”

Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

London Mayor Boris Johnson has approved an order for three million ‘Scorpion Bombs’ for the Metropolitan Police.

Originally a medieval weapon of war, each rustic clay pot houses up to twelve extremely pissed off scorpions with massive stingers. Once launched, the sealed pots break on the ground and release the annoyed arachnids. Stings are not usually fatal, but they hurt like buggary,

The Met Commissioner has promised that the unusual weapons will be “rarely used, and mostly on homeless people,” adding that the Police might deter protestors by “Ostentatiously shaking the pots to make the scorpions more angry,”

“And scorpions sort of creep people out,” he added, visibly shuddering. “They’re all skittery and weird. Hippies and people like that are becoming hardened to water cannons. But I defy even the most hardcore beardy-weirdy to not run off going “Oh my God, what the hell is that?” when a 6 inch hissing scorpion with a massive cob-on lands on their filthy sandals,”

Animal rights groups are concerned that using live animals against the public is both cruel and unethical. But a Met spokesman has issued a statement describing scorpions as “Total gits, that will sting you as soon as look at you,” and promising that they will only be used on “Poor people that are in the way,” within the City of London.

Photo from the Daily Fail

Chemtrails Are ‘Just Aeroplanes Trumping’ Claims Kylie Jenner

Astute social commentator Dr Kylie Jenner has controversially claimed that “Chemtrails” – the contrails left behind by aircraft in the sky, are merely aeroplanes experiencing a spot of ‘rectal turbulence’.

Believed to be a mixture of Anthrax, Valium and the bones of unbaptized babies, chemtrails are designed to make us obedient to our lizard overlords, by people that have failed to notice just how big the bloody sky is. But the reality star thinks this is nonsense, and that chemtrails are “just the aeroplane trumping. Like, they eat jet engine fuel so they can fly about, and when they’ve digested it, they do a big long trump in the sky, and that is what chemtrails are,”

Dr Jenner is planning on doing a Ted Talk explaining the mechanism and implications of aircraft cracking one off in the sky.

“With the amount of aircraft in the sky, I’m really concerned that the sky could get quite smelly and full of ‘plane farts, and we might need to go up and spray some Febreeze about,”

Said the star, who modelled a tinfoil hat on a Paris runway earlier this spring.

Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

New research shows that vegetables and other plants “scream blue murder” as they are cooked or eaten. Although inaudible to the human ear, a special listening device placed on various vegetables turned the making of a simple salad into a “holocaust of horror”.

In a study on carrots, scientists found that carrots did not scream in a basket at the supermarket, or when placed into the salad shelf of a fridge. But according to researchers:

“The screaming began when the carrot was placed on a chopping board and peeled with a knife. And then all of the vegetables started screaming. It was like the front row of a One Direction concert. Disturbing stuff.

Said the scientist, who has since given up all fruits and vegetables, apart from ones he can sneak up on and quickly throw into boiling water “for a more humane death”.

“At least animals are dead when you eat them,” he added, shuddering.

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

The Home Secretary Theresa May has proposed that flesh and blood police officers directly affected by budget cuts, can be “supplemented and supported” by an army of cardboard cut outs of Dixson of Dock Green, with a mechanical swinging truncheon.

The pilot scheme, which saw life-sized cardboard coppers in the corners of shops to prevent shoplifting, has rendered actual police officers “almost obsolete”, according to people that aren’t currently cops, criminals or victims of crime.

The ‘PaperBobs’ as the media will be instructed to call the cardboard officers, to ensure that they sound friendly and reassuring, will patrol neighbourhoods on special caterpillar tracks at approximately 4mph. Pre-loaded with a variety of helpful phrases such as “ello ello ello” and “I hope you young scamps aren’t up to mischief”, they will be a “reassuring presence” and a “strong deterrent” to criminals, according to the Home Secretary.

The new scheme will “allow us to go further and tick more boxes, as once cannot fill in mountains of paperwork when one is climbing over the wall of a squat in pursuit of a violent drug dealer with a machete. It is perfectly possible to make savings without compromising the quality of neighbourhood policing. But only if all new recruits are made of cardboard and simply trundle about saying ‘evening all’ to old ladies,”

Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts

A campaign has been launched to warn women of the potential dangers of the innocent sounding ‘Pixie Cut’.

A former sufferer of ‘Half Grown Out Pixie Syndrome’ warned of the dangerous buzz of an edgy new hairdo, followed by the terrible comedown of trying to grow the sodding thing out for 12 months if you get fed up of it.

“It’s bloody Emma Watson’s fault!”

Said Laura, a teaching assistant from Clapham.

“I was expecting a sort of cross between Princess Diana and a young Mia Farrow to be blinking back from the mirror like a new-born faun,”

“The magazines make out that it’s going to transform you into a sort of catastrophically alluring super-waif with eyes like a pair of headlamps on a rainy night in Soho. But now I look like me Dad in 1987. Bugger. I blame false advertising and Keira Knightley’s cheekbones,”

Her best friend disagrees, stating that it looks edgy and cool, it’s nice to change it up every once in a while, and ‘it’ll grow back’.

“I think there should be some kind of warning on pixie cuts, as the advertising is very misleading. I really liked it at first, and now I’m fed up with it and stuck with an annoying mullet for the next 8 months, while it grows into a sort of unflattering mushroomy bob that I will also secretly hate,”

Said Laura, pulling her hat down over her ears and grumbling like Lord Voldemort with a hangover.

“I’m a grown-assed woman reduced to wearing a pissing Alice band and stupid clips with flowers on them. Eff my life!”

Hairdressers and style gurus are quick to point out that many women with pixie cuts enjoy the freedom and the edgy style of a sharp crop. Some of the most iconic and inspirational women of modern times have sported short hairstyles.

“But what you’ve got to remember,”

Said a top hairdresser.

“Is that it’s almost impossible to predict whether you are going to strut down the street like Grace Jones for an entire month afterwards because it looks ace and you didn’t realise what a goddamned sexy neck you have. Or whether you’re going to sort of slink along in a stupid headband for the next 12 months, hoping that you don’t bump into your ex with his new girlfriend, because she’s got Kate Middleton hair and you look like you’re wig-sitting for Paul Daniels. There’s just no way to tell whether you’re going scream “Don’t lie! I look like Boris bloody Johnson!” at your friends when they try to tell you it looks nice,”

The campaign, backed by many former pixie cut fans, backs a proposed law that will stamp slogans like “This Looks Great On Carey Mulligan, But You’re Not Carey Mulligan” and “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow, Mullet For 12 Months”.

Pandas Are Rubbish And Lack Ambition, Study Confirms

One of the most beloved and endangered animals in the world, the giant panda is in danger of dying out because “they’re just a bit rubbish really”, according to experts.

The giant panda is interesting to researchers for many reasons. One of the most unusual things about this animal is that its wrist bone has evolved into a rudimentary ‘thumb’, unlike most animals with paws. This gives it enormous dexterity compared with other bears and other animals.

Researchers used a computer simulation of several types to animal, to simulate what would happen if various other species of animal developed an opposable thumb. The simulation of a dolphin colony in the experiment developed their own musical instruments with shells and stones, while the domestic cats modelled in the experiment locked their owners out of the house and used the family laptop to order a kebab.

“However, when we gave the computer generated pandas larger, more powerful thumbs and greater dexterity, they simply went “Oh tar, I can pick up more bamboo now” and carried on sitting around and not having sex with each other,”

Said a researcher at a panda conservation site in China.

“While most species operate on a ‘survival of the fittest’ or at least a ‘ooh, better just watch meself a bit, might get eaten or summat’ mentality, as they struggle to feed themselves and procreate, the giant panda is simply not arsed about any of that stuff. They do occasionally eat other types of food if bamboo is not available, and they’ll get up and go for a walk, and occasionally have a shag if they can really be arsed, but apart from that, being a cute panda is their full time occupation. They’re like the Instagram Girls of the bear world,”

The development of panda Viagra and other methods that will allow pandas to procreate in greater numbers is being funded by campaigns worldwide.

“But it’s a jolly good thing they’re so bloody pretty and cute,”

Said the researcher.

“You don’t catch warthogs and blob fish sitting about looking all photogenic. They’d have gone extinct years ago if they had the same attitude as pandas,”

Tragic Washing Machine ‘Starved To Death’

A washing machine from Milton Keynes has starved to death after its owner used sock clips to prevent it from eating single socks.

The Hotpoint’s owner claims she had no idea that washing machines needed to consume single socks, and only clipped the socks together ‘to stop them from disappearing’.

The manufactures have warned the public about the dangers of clipping socks together, but it is not thought that sock clips will be banned altogether.

“We do not advocate the use of sock clips 100% of the time, as this prevents washing machines from eating one of your brightly coloured socks, leaving you with a single, useless sock that will live in your sock drawer for the rest of eternity. There have been several cases where washing machines have tragically starved to death after being denied the opportunity to eat socks. It is important to remember that socks are a natural part of a washing machine’s diet, and that sock clips can be dangerous when used in every wash,”

Nigel Farage To Be Recycled Into Gregg’s Pasties

Ukip leader Nigel Farage is to be recycled into Gregg’s corned beef pasties, the party has announced.

Mr. Farage was a “fantastic leader and a great political communicator, and is going to taste really nice and succulent encased in pastry,” Suzanne Evans told the BBC’s Andrew Marr show.

“The time has come for Nigel to be fried up with a vat of onions and turned into corned beef pasties, for the hard working voters of this nation to finally enjoy,”

She added, noting that he would be the first party leader to be turned into savoury pastries, but wishing him all the best on his journey down the oesophaguses of lorry drivers, post men and women and students.

“I didn’t vote for him, but I would definitely eat a Nigel Farage pasty,”

Said a Gregg’s customer.

“I like all the normal ones like the corned beef one and the cheese & onion, and the sandwiches are nice as well. But it’s a real treat when they do special occasion pastry slices, and I think this one would go down a treat with a nice packet of cheese & onion crisps and a cheeky cream cake,”

Ebay Launches Electric Shock App To Settle Disputes

Online auction giants EBay have launched a new app that allows buyers and sellers to zap each other with painful electric shocks.

A seller from Leeds said:

“This is absolutely bloody brilliant. I’m involved in a dispute right now, where a stupid woman that bought a £300 jacket off me for two quid is moaning because the button is loose. If I could zap her in the face with a bolt of electricity instead of answering her moany messages, I’d even pay the postage back,”

Buyers will be able to zap sellers if the garden gnome they ordered looked massive in the picture, but it’s the size of a matchbox when it eventually turns up two weeks late with its nose missing. EBay states that they will only be allowed to use the function if they have read the bloody description properly.

A spokesperson for EBay said:

“Unfortunately, the public can be complete and total morons sometimes, whether they are buyers or sellers. We were thinking of out outsourcing our gargantuan support team to somewhere a bit cheaper, but letting people zap each other instead of complaining to us about it is a far more satisfying and cost effective way of settling disputes,”

Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

Sex To Be Replaced With Crossfit

BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

Chemtrails Are ‘Just Aeroplanes Trumping’ Claims Kylie Jenner

Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts