New Lizard Announced

The Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a healthy baby lizard, Kensington palace has confirmed.

The infant reptile, fourth in line to the throne, was hatched from a large, golden egg today, after being incubated for 9 months in a special chamber, designed to replicate the conditions of its home planet.

Royal lizard eggs require weekly human sacrifices, and these were selected from the crowds of dribbling sheeple that have been camped outside the hospital.

Hospital porter Dave Smith was one of the fortunate few to be selected for the royal lizard’s first feed. Before he went to his death, which involves his internal organs being sucked out via his eye sockets to feed the mewling, scaly infant, he told reporters how honoured he felt.

“It is truly an honour to serve my country by having my intestines slurped up like spaghetti by the royal princess. I leave behind a wife, two sons and a baby girl of my own. But this one is far more important,”

Nurses that witnessed the first royal feed said “awww, just like her Grandma” and “my my, hasn’t she got a healthy appetite?” as the remains of the porter crumpled up like an empty packet of crisps. The royal lizard is said to have doubled in size during the feed, and tried to eat the midwife.

Wicked Witch Can’t Wait To Curse Royal Baby

A bitter, maligned old witch with a grudge and a warty nose has spoken of her joy at the news of another royal baby.

Agnes Evil, 182, from a cave in Wales, narrowly missed putting a curse on Prince George, due to her hip replacement making it difficult for her to ride her broomstick. But she is looking forward to casting an ironic enchantment upon the second royal baby, due any time now.

“My family has been cursing royal babies on and off for hundreds of years. Charles’s curse was cast by my mother, and it was to have a wife more popular than him, who would bear a ginger boy-child to another man. And to be ancient when he was finally crowned, and also to believe in silly woo-woo crap like talking to plants. I can’t reveal what is in store for William and Harry, although part of the prophecy was fulfilled when Harry dressed up as a Nazi and it was in all the papers,”

Agnes is taking no chances this time, and is staying in a hotel close to the hospital where the royal baby will be born.

“It’s very nice here. There’s a flushing loo and a sink, although they have banned me from cooking frogs in the room, or bringing in live pigeons and extracting their tongues with tweezers, as it made a mess of the bedroom carpet. I’ve bought some frozen ones instead, which they are keeping on ice for me, so hopefully they will work just as well,”

Agnes is keeping the twisted, awful nature of the curse to herself for now, although she has hinted at “Scandal, debauchery and something to do with elephants. Mark my words, this is going to be a doozy” although she has categorically denied including any gingerness in her evil spell.

Unpopular Royals To Be Buried In Car Parks

Less popular royals such as Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie and Prince Andrew, and possibly the ginger spare one if he dresses up as a Nazi again, are to be buried in car parks as part of their state funerals. The PR office for the Royal Family announced the adjustment this morning.

Following the public outpouring for the remains of controversial King Richard III, discovered in a car park in Leicester in 2012, the Queen has decreed that all members of the royal family that the public don’t really like very much, are to be laid to rest beneath a public parking facility, for a period of at least 500 years following their deaths.

It is believed that this unusual move and drastic change to tradition was made in accordance with media and PR expert’s advice on handling “more challenging” members of the Royal family.

The alleged child murderer and hunchback King Richard was unpopular with his own family, mainly because he kept bumping them off. He was described as “that poisonous hunchback’d toad,” by Shakespeare.

A top PR company that worked with the palace said:

“If he was around today, you would probably think of him as a horrible, power-mad, murderous psychopath. But in burying him for 500 years under a car park, albeit inadvertently, he’s been transformed into a mythical, romantic figure that everybody adores. Imagine if we could do the same thing with Beatrice and Eugenie,”

Possible sites for the burials have been put forward, including a pay and display near Lidl in Barnsley, West Yorkshire, and one near Bargain Booze in the center of Hanley.

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