march – The Beezly Street Gazette

British Public Remind Prime Minister That He Works For Them

The British public has issued a statement to Prime Minister David Cameron, telling him to take his feet off the desk and stop swanning around like he owns the bloody place.

“We can’t fire you, but we’re watching you, you ham-faced little turdbag,”

Said the statement. It goes on to detail how the Prime Minister is traditionally a “keystone of the Cabinet arch’ and ‘a sun around which planets revolve’ rather than a swirling abyss of privileged smuggery that would murder its own constituents with a lump hammer if there was a quid in it for him.

The statement, which includes a great deal of colorful language and vulgar imagery involving goats, witchcraft and Jimmy Saville, ends with a surprisingly civilized reminder that the Prime Minister works for the people, not the other way around. Downing Street have declined to comment on the statement.

Solar Eclipse ‘David Cameron’s Fault’

The eclipse predicted on March 20^th is thought to be entirely David Cameron’s fault.

“If anybody is capable of plunging the entire country into unnatural, eerie darkness on a cheery Friday morning in early spring, it’s David sodding Cameron,”

Said a statement from the Society of Astronomers Not Bloody Astrologers.

“The fact that the eclipse will briefly resemble a sort of bargain basement version of the Eye of Sauron is no coincidence. He’s cut just about everything else he can get his muggy little hands on, so stealing the daylight from the entire country for 2 minutes and 47 seconds was inevitable,”

It is widely believed that the Prime Minister will retire to his underground lair to change into a vampire bat during the short eclipse.

The event is part of Saros Cycle 120, an 18-year cycle that began with a partial eclipse in 933 AD. But this particular event is believed to be entirely the fault of the Prime Minister, and an omen of gloom for wherever the dreaded shadow may fall.

“We can expect outbreaks of depression, rage, people unexpectedly losing their jobs and spitting at the TV whenever Mr Cameron appears on the screen. Dogs will almost certainly start to howl, and cats may arch their backs and fluff up their fur to make themselves look big. The event will last under 3 minutes, but the effects of the eclipse will be felt for many generations to come,”