Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

A study into the behaviour of children under five years old has revealed that much of toddler’s more challenging behaviour is down to them being heartless little bastards, that sadistically enjoy tormenting adults.

The researchers secretly listened to the conversations of a hundred pairs of under-5s while they were alone in a room full of toys. While the researchers were watching, they played with the toys and tried to eat them. But when the researchers left the room and recorded the children playing, some of the conversations appeared to show malicious forethought and meticulous planning to an almost Machiavellian level.

A researcher that worked on the study said:

“I’m glad my kids are grown up. They were saying things like ‘you rip the pages out of that book and I’ll crap in her handbag, it’ll be hilarious’ and ‘you should have seen my nappy after I ate her entire collection of lipsticks, it was like somebody had clubbed a seal to death in the middle of a Pampers advert. LOL’. There is no doubt in my mind that under 5’s are simply bastards,”

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

The Home Secretary Theresa May has proposed that flesh and blood police officers directly affected by budget cuts, can be “supplemented and supported” by an army of cardboard cut outs of Dixson of Dock Green, with a mechanical swinging truncheon.

The pilot scheme, which saw life-sized cardboard coppers in the corners of shops to prevent shoplifting, has rendered actual police officers “almost obsolete”, according to people that aren’t currently cops, criminals or victims of crime.

The ‘PaperBobs’ as the media will be instructed to call the cardboard officers, to ensure that they sound friendly and reassuring, will patrol neighbourhoods on special caterpillar tracks at approximately 4mph. Pre-loaded with a variety of helpful phrases such as “ello ello ello” and “I hope you young scamps aren’t up to mischief”, they will be a “reassuring presence” and a “strong deterrent” to criminals, according to the Home Secretary.

The new scheme will “allow us to go further and tick more boxes, as once cannot fill in mountains of paperwork when one is climbing over the wall of a squat in pursuit of a violent drug dealer with a machete. It is perfectly possible to make savings without compromising the quality of neighbourhood policing. But only if all new recruits are made of cardboard and simply trundle about saying ‘evening all’ to old ladies,”

Pandas Are Rubbish And Lack Ambition, Study Confirms

One of the most beloved and endangered animals in the world, the giant panda is in danger of dying out because “they’re just a bit rubbish really”, according to experts.

The giant panda is interesting to researchers for many reasons. One of the most unusual things about this animal is that its wrist bone has evolved into a rudimentary ‘thumb’, unlike most animals with paws. This gives it enormous dexterity compared with other bears and other animals.

Researchers used a computer simulation of several types to animal, to simulate what would happen if various other species of animal developed an opposable thumb. The simulation of a dolphin colony in the experiment developed their own musical instruments with shells and stones, while the domestic cats modelled in the experiment locked their owners out of the house and used the family laptop to order a kebab.

“However, when we gave the computer generated pandas larger, more powerful thumbs and greater dexterity, they simply went “Oh tar, I can pick up more bamboo now” and carried on sitting around and not having sex with each other,”

Said a researcher at a panda conservation site in China.

“While most species operate on a ‘survival of the fittest’ or at least a ‘ooh, better just watch meself a bit, might get eaten or summat’ mentality, as they struggle to feed themselves and procreate, the giant panda is simply not arsed about any of that stuff. They do occasionally eat other types of food if bamboo is not available, and they’ll get up and go for a walk, and occasionally have a shag if they can really be arsed, but apart from that, being a cute panda is their full time occupation. They’re like the Instagram Girls of the bear world,”

The development of panda Viagra and other methods that will allow pandas to procreate in greater numbers is being funded by campaigns worldwide.

“But it’s a jolly good thing they’re so bloody pretty and cute,”

Said the researcher.

“You don’t catch warthogs and blob fish sitting about looking all photogenic. They’d have gone extinct years ago if they had the same attitude as pandas,”

Jeremy Kyle ‘Still A Bellend’ Say Experts

Modern witch finder general Jeremy Kyle’s pertinent rollocking about male victims of domestic violence may be trending today, but experts are quick to point out that he remains one of Britain’s biggest bell ends.

Lord Joldemort issued the dressing-down during an episode of his popular daytime show. For readers not familiar with ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’, it’s a sort of cross between a job centre waiting room on a Wednesday afternoon in Stoke-on-Trent, and a 17th century hanging. Populated mainly by cross-eyed peasants, whose ancestors may have mated with turnips at some point during the reign of Richard the Third, the show was inspired by medieval witch trials. Unfortunately both goats and other livestock as witnesses are not allowed due to health and safety concerns, and the traditional ducking stool has been replaced with a Polygraph test.

Jeremy Vile, as the British public affectionately knows him, acts as a kind of Papa Lazarus to the orgy of sex, lies and criminal dentistry that takes place on the stage, which is built over a deconsecrated plague pit, and said to be cursed.

Although Kyle’s tirade at the audience for laughing at a domestic violence incident was justified, say experts, they are also quick to point out that this in no way detracts from him being a humungous bell end.

“One of the biggest we’ve ever seen in fact,”

Said an expert.

“It’s rare that a bell end of such epic proportions survives into middle age, as barking “PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT!” at volatile peasants after berating them for an an hour in front of a baying mob can be extremely dangerous. But this wily old wanker has not only thrived, but also managed to spawn. A magnificent specimen indeed. Britain’s biggest in fact,”

Vatican Warns ‘Satan Is Bumming You While You Do Yoga’

The Vatican’s chief exorcist has controversially stated that Yoga causes Satan to have bum sex with you.

Father Gabriel Amorth, who has carried out more then 70 000 exorcisms during his 25 years as the Vatican’s chief exorcist said:

“You see, when you practise Yoga, Satan is actually bumming you really hard and slapping your behind and calling you his little love-pumpkin. And all of his imps are sitting around giggling and smoking crack while they watch. Sometimes he even lets them have a go,”

“Yoga is the devil’s work, and whenever you do a yoga pose, you can be sure that Satan is grinding away behind you, and going ‘mmmmm, yeah, you like that don’t you?’ and spitting in your hair,”

Said the elderly priest, brandishing a crucifix and checking behind the curtains for masturbating demons.

“And Harry Potter, that’s evil as well. Satan personally rubs his big red widge on every page and sticks his tongue in your ear the whole time you are reading it,”

He added:

“Don’t come running to me when your head spins around and you start vomiting locusts. I did warn you,”

A spokesman for the worldwide Yoga association said:

“Oh no, not that bloody loony again. Look. We don’t slag off your religion, so leave ours alone, you weird old bigot. Satan does not have sex with you while you are doing yoga. End of,”

“Yes he does!”

Replied Father Amorth. “And then he wipes his knob on your curtains!”

Photograph from The Telegraph

Charlotte Church Threatens To Beat Prime Minister To Death With Katie Hopkins’s Arm

Welsh songstress Charlotte Church, who recently challenged Sun columnist Katie Hopkins to a charity boxing match, has now gone proper ape-shit and threatened to pull off Katie’s arm and chase the Prime Minister around Westminster with it.

“After I challenged her to a boxing match, I had a cup of tea and fag and thought about it. And then I realised I had to at least pull one of her arms off and beat Cameron to death with the sticky end,”

Said the singer, who shot to fame as an angelic classical singer.

“So I’m going to bang her lights out and then rip her bloody arms off, the moaning old Tory troll,”

“And when I’ve finished with her, I’m going to mash that smug prick Cameron in the face with the bloody end. That’ll teach him to be a lying little spoon faced weasel-shagger,”

The match is expected to raise nine trillion pounds for charity.

‘Love, Honor And Puree’ – Woman Marries Nutribullet

A 35 year old woman from Leeds, UK has married her Nutribullet blender, after owning it for three days.

“I’ve never felt so fulfilled,”

Said the woman, after ditching her smoothie maker and juicer for the swanky ‘Magic Bullet’ blender that can pulverize carrots and even nuts.

“I’m obsessed with it. I can’t stop putting different types of food into it and turning them into pulp, and running around the house with a glass of mango and spirulina smoothie forcing people to look at the texture of it and drink it. It’s like being a crack addict, but ten times more annoying,”

The bride’s best friend said:

“If she mentions that sodding blender one more time, I’m going to stick it up her (censored). She hasn’t shut up about liquidating carrots and beetroot since she took it out of the box, which she probably liquidised with a handful of collard greens and drank. But I’m glad she’s happy,”

During the short ceremony, the happy couple promise to “love, honor and puree” and were showered with rose petals, which the Magic Bullet promptly turned into a nutritious paste that can be added to soup.

Exposure Now Legal Tender For Magicians

The law has been changed to allow magicians and performers to pay for their rent, mortgage and groceries with ‘exposure’.

Under the new legislation, magicians will be able to purchase new equipment with sausage rolls from the buffet, and all performers will get a hefty discount on their mortgages and rent by working for ‘exposure’.

Mentalist Jon Randall from London said:

“I am very much looking forward to paying my council tax with the fact that somebody from the penultimate round of Britain’s Got Talent might be in the audience. This is fantastic news,”

Under the old law, it was impossible to pay for goods and services by mentioning that you did “a really great gig last week, no pay but it’s getting my name out there innit,”

Although not all exposure is good for magicians, and some types can get you thrown out of the Magic Circle, the public are nevertheless convinced that they can help a magician’s career by not paying them.

An illusionist from Plumstead said:

“I fooled Penn & Teller you know, but people still insist that they’re helping me out by asking me to work for them for nothing. But now I can accept all of those invitations to do gigs for ‘exposure’, and still be able to afford all of those knock off Chinese magic effects I’ve always wanted. And I’ll be able to swap the sausage rolls from the buffet for a Nandos meal. This is amazing,”

Thanks to a ‘Deep Throat’ in the Magic Circle for help with this post.

Tory ‘Rapture’ Scheduled For Wednesday. Unbelievers Eaten By Demons

The Conservative party have scheduled a ‘rapture’ on Wednesday afternoon, where the faithful will ascend to a new and purer Britain.

Opera singer Katherine Jenkins has been tipped to open proceedings with a rendition of ‘God Save The Queen’. In the new Utopia there will be no food banks, no hooded sweatshirts and no pesky immigrants arriving on boats, fleeing a regime that saw their whole family murdered in front of them. Daily Mail columnist Melanie Phillips has already been appointed Archbishop, and gays and lesbians are automatically excluded from the rapture, to ensure that the weather stays predictable and clement.

Everybody that voted for the Conservative party will literally leave the earth to meet their local MP in the air, and will be guided to a special version of the UK, where they can mix and breed with their own kind.

Those left behind on the day of the Rapture will be eaten by three headed dog-demons the size of ice cream vans, which will issue from Katie Hopkins’s big white Tory arse at half past three in the afternoon. There is no escape from the demons, and the public have been warned to not to even bother trying to run or hide from them.

Image from this website. LOL.

Top Ten Hidden Gems From #WhyImVotingUkip

With election day looming like a storm cloud above a pride parade, here’s a last minute selection of snigger-inspiring tweets from the #WhyImVotingUkip debacle on Wednesday night.

Upholding the great British tradition of taking the piss, we trawled Twitter to bring you ten tweets from the public to make you giggle-snort.

Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

Sex To Be Replaced With Crossfit

BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

Chemtrails Are ‘Just Aeroplanes Trumping’ Claims Kylie Jenner

Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts