irritating – The Beezly Street Gazette

The UK entry for the Eurovision Song Contest has finally been announced – and experts say it’s the worst yet, and everybody hates it.

Radio DJ Chris Evans said:

“This is the musical equivalent of bowel surgery. I haven’t hated a song this much since ‘Let Her Go’ by Passenger, which made me want to punch myself in the face,”

The song ‘Still In Love With You’, which sounds like ‘Doop’ being bummed by Cotton Eye Joe and then being fed into a sausage machine testicles-first, has been criticised for its ‘creepy’ lyrics.

“It sounds like a conversation between an overbearing, jealous boyfriend that doesn’t want his girlfriend to go on holiday in case she cheats on him. She’s going to spend the entire time answering moany texts and explaining her plans for the day in tedious detail. She should dump him instead of singing back to him,”

Said a 15 year old schoolgirl & Eurovision fan.

“I usually watch Eurovision with my Nan, and we always cheer at the UK entry no matter how crap it is. But this time I think I’ll go and make her a cup of tea when Electro Velvet come on,”

The two singers in the video have been criticised for their lack of on-screen chemistry, evident in the photograph above, where they both look like they’ve just won a costume competition at Butlins.

“I’ve seen deader eyes than that, but only inside a morgue,”

Said a Eurovision expert.

“Obviously it’s a bit awkward pretending to fancy somebody, but these two don’t even look like they like each other. It’s like a second division footballer and his sister-in-law have made an expensive karaoke video for a joke, and then fallen out on the day of filming. Really quite appalling,”

“Well I rather like it actually. Can you get it as a ring tone?”

Said Nigel Farage.

If you’re a lover of the English language, then Facebook could be bad for your health.

A doctor and lifetime sufferer of ‘Grammar Rage’ has warned that grammar and punctuation fans can suffer dangerous levels of stress while scrolling through Facebook.

“While most people might not even notice the apostrophe on a sign that says ‘Pie’s For Sale’, this will send a stickler for grammar into cold shivers and in some cases, a fit of violent rage.

“As much as we try to ignore the fact that some people appear to have allowed their cat to type their Facebook statuses, or have simply sat on the keyboard and jumped up and down, it does register in a very deep part of the brain.

“Daily exposure to this type of dribbling stupidity and derp-happy disregard for the English language can cause long-term health problems related to stress,”

Said Doctor Hemmingway.

“It isn’t just grammar. People taking liberties with basic English, such as inventing their own punctuation or simply omitting it all together can cause similar levels of murderous, deeply internalised rage.

“There is a simple test in this article to see if you are a hard-core grammar fan & potential sufferer of ‘Grammar Rage’. Simply spot the accidental mistakes the writer of this article has probably made, not counting the crass colloquialisms and silly, made up words.

“By far the worst offenders are people that are simply irritating in their own right, like people that whinge all the time or clog up your feed with their nauseous poetry, or pretentious musings on the meaning of their own utterly un-interesting lives. When this is combined with a sort of muck-spreader approach to punctuation, or with text speak, excessive use of emoticons, or loads of ellipses to indicate that they are deep and clever, this causes a build-up of stabby anger that can manifest into all sorts of problems later on down the line.”

Doctor Hemmingway advises sufferers to simply block, or at least hide the posts of the worst offenders. Here’s a guide to avoiding the worst of Facebook:

Haiku Guy (or girl)

The one that

Types their status

in a sort of

Mournful Poetic

Nonsense Badger

Scrambled eggs Irritating

Haiku style

“These people are simply idiots, and there is no helping them,”

said Doctor Hemmingway. “They are obviously aware on some level that the English language does have rules, but that they are too special to take much notice of them, and have decided to invent their own,”

Left Foot Typist

The person that appears to have typed every status standing on one leg, with their none-dominant big toe.

“Words are made of certain letters, and they go in a certain order. Why some people feel forget this or feel the need to mess with this is beyond most fully-functioning human being’s comprehension.

This goes way beyond not being able to spell very well, and it’s usually easy to spot if somebody is simply dyslexic, because they will try to write something coherent and muddle things up accidentally, which is absolutely fine. The true grammar freak understands this, and respects the person for giving it a bash. What I’m talking about is people that appear to have face-planted the keyboard several times and then added the word ‘lol’ at the end,”

Winnie The Pooh Capitaliser

When a Status contains randomly Capitalised letters, for absolutely No reason whatsoever.

“When a grammar fiend reads a status like this, they picture the writer typing slowly with one finger, with their tongue sticking out as they deliberately capitalise each individual letter. And it makes them want to punch that person in the face,”

Texters

People that use text speak, when there is a fully functioning keyboard containing all the letters they may need in front of them.

“The English language is constantly changing, and we all use slang and abbreviations sometimes. But Facebook is public, and if you type like a member of the cast of “The Only Way Is Essex” might text their partner after a night of free cocktails, then grammar freaks will be judging you. “We can just about forgive teenagers for writing like idiots, and hope that they will grow out of it. But anyone over the age of 19 is now out of the larval stage, and therefore worthy of our rage,”