Wicked Witch Can’t Wait To Curse Royal Baby

A bitter, maligned old witch with a grudge and a warty nose has spoken of her joy at the news of another royal baby.

Agnes Evil, 182, from a cave in Wales, narrowly missed putting a curse on Prince George, due to her hip replacement making it difficult for her to ride her broomstick. But she is looking forward to casting an ironic enchantment upon the second royal baby, due any time now.

“My family has been cursing royal babies on and off for hundreds of years. Charles’s curse was cast by my mother, and it was to have a wife more popular than him, who would bear a ginger boy-child to another man. And to be ancient when he was finally crowned, and also to believe in silly woo-woo crap like talking to plants. I can’t reveal what is in store for William and Harry, although part of the prophecy was fulfilled when Harry dressed up as a Nazi and it was in all the papers,”

Agnes is taking no chances this time, and is staying in a hotel close to the hospital where the royal baby will be born.

“It’s very nice here. There’s a flushing loo and a sink, although they have banned me from cooking frogs in the room, or bringing in live pigeons and extracting their tongues with tweezers, as it made a mess of the bedroom carpet. I’ve bought some frozen ones instead, which they are keeping on ice for me, so hopefully they will work just as well,”

Agnes is keeping the twisted, awful nature of the curse to herself for now, although she has hinted at “Scandal, debauchery and something to do with elephants. Mark my words, this is going to be a doozy” although she has categorically denied including any gingerness in her evil spell.

Study Shows Katie Hopkins Is Reincarnation Of 17th Century Witch Finder

A new study suggests that controversial media mouthpiece Katie Hopkins is a reincarnation of the 17th century ‘Witchfinder General’ Matthew Hopkins.

The Sun newspaper columnist is believed to be a direct descendant and true reincarnation of the 17th century vicar, responsible for a reign of terror and torture against people accused of being witches.

“The clues are all there,”

Said the scientist that carried out the study.

“It’s obvious that some evil, occult force is at work here, and that the Hopkins known as Katie is a mere vessel for the unquiet spirit of the ‘Witchfinder General’. Back in those days, the government whipped up fear about warlocks and magic, and that allowed the medieval Hopkins to make up loads of stupid shit about witches, and get away with being a gigantic bastard. They didn’t have Twitter or the Geneva Convention in those days of course, so they just tortured and murdered innocent people instead of writing nasty things in some sensationalist rag of a tabloid,”

Hopkins recently described immigrants fleeing brutal regimes as ‘cockroaches’, promoting a police investigation.

“If you look at Matthew Hopkins’s biting satire against the Puritans, all the bollocks he made up about witches, and then at Katie Hopkins’s mealy-mouthed Tweets and moany newspaper column, it’s very probable that Mathew Hopkins has returned from hell to walk amongst us once more,”

The study concluded that the only way to confirm this theory 100% would be to extract a confession by dunking Katie Hopkins in water to see if she floats.

Smog And Eclipse ‘Punishment For Glastonbury’

Toxic smog is set to hit the UK this weekend, coinciding with the predicted solar eclipse on Friday.

The poisonous fog from the continent may cause sore throats, itchy eyes, boils, speaking in tongues and an intense desire to spend nine quid on a partially-cremated Smartprice burger at half past nine in the morning.

Experts warn that these two events are a form of divine punishment from ancient, Pagan Gods, for this year’s early and intense moaning about the Glastonbury festival.

A long time festival-goer gave an example of the kind of moaning that has caused the duel plague this weekend:

“Glastonbury used to be a mystical rite of passage 20 years ago, when I was 18, with boundless energy and a disposable income. Now it’s just loads of people with hangovers listening to Kanye West. I’m still going to spend several hundred pounds on a ticket and completely break myself with low grade amphetamine and cider. But I’ll be queuing to get in at half past four, I am Glastonbury, hear me roar!”

A Glastonbury based warlock and climate expert warned:

“There is always a high level of whining about the Glastonbury festival. But this year’s early start to the eye-rolling and “God, that’s it, I’m not going!” and “Sigh, it’s the end of an era,” Facebook and Twitter posts has clearly annoyed the Ancient Ones. If current levels of moaning continue, there may have to be a sacrifice of some kind at the festival itself to appease them, or the whole thing might go up in flames, or be swallowed in a freak earthquake,”

He added:

“I think we need to seriously consider sacrificing Kanye West at the zenith of the celebrations, to ensure the survival of this festival,”

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