Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

London Mayor Boris Johnson has approved an order for three million ‘Scorpion Bombs’ for the Metropolitan Police.

Originally a medieval weapon of war, each rustic clay pot houses up to twelve extremely pissed off scorpions with massive stingers. Once launched, the sealed pots break on the ground and release the annoyed arachnids. Stings are not usually fatal, but they hurt like buggary,

The Met Commissioner has promised that the unusual weapons will be “rarely used, and mostly on homeless people,” adding that the Police might deter protestors by “Ostentatiously shaking the pots to make the scorpions more angry,”

“And scorpions sort of creep people out,” he added, visibly shuddering. “They’re all skittery and weird. Hippies and people like that are becoming hardened to water cannons. But I defy even the most hardcore beardy-weirdy to not run off going “Oh my God, what the hell is that?” when a 6 inch hissing scorpion with a massive cob-on lands on their filthy sandals,”

Animal rights groups are concerned that using live animals against the public is both cruel and unethical. But a Met spokesman has issued a statement describing scorpions as “Total gits, that will sting you as soon as look at you,” and promising that they will only be used on “Poor people that are in the way,” within the City of London.

Photo from the Daily Fail

Taiwanese Dog Wins Rory McGrath Lookalike Competition

A dog from Taiwan has won the twenty-third international Rory McGrath lookalike competition.

The dog’s owner said:

“We are thrilled to have won. My dog has no idea that he resembles the 57 year old British comedian Rory McGrath, and even if he did understand, he probably wouldn’t care. But I am deeply honoured to accept the award on my dog’s behalf, and I have renamed him Rory and bought him a bone. He still has no idea what’s going on,”

The dog’s owner was unaware of the uncanny resemblance when she had its hair cut into the trendy ‘bubble’ shape, popular with fashionable pooches in Taiwan. A British tourist wanted her picture taken with the dog, who claimed that the dog reminded her of somebody off the telly, but she couldn’t think who.

“Everywhere I went, people were pointing at the dog and shouting ‘That dog reminds me of someone…beard…curly hair….on the telly….tip of me tongue…’ and things like that. So when I got home, I Googled British people with curly hair that are on TV, and immediately spotted Rory McGrath. After I’d finished laughing, I noticed that there was a competition. So I flew to the UK and entered Prince. He won the competition, and we are flying back today with a large ham, a case of ale, some Marks and Spencer’s vouchers and a signed photograph of Rory McGrath,”

The Stig Will Not Be Released Into The Wild

Following the departure of presenters James May and Richard Hammond, the producers of ‘Top Gear’ recommended that that ‘The Stig’ should be released back into the wild. But this has raised objections from experts, who believe that a purpose built, secure sanctuary should house the anonymous racing driver, suggesting the town of Milton Keynes as a possible site.

The BBC claim that the driver cannot quit the show like the other presenters, as he was bought from a luxury racing driver dealer in Dubai and shipped to the UK in a crate. But locals are worried that the white-suited speed fiend may cause havoc, especially if he escapes onto the roads.

“He’s afraid of bells, confused by stairs and thinks that Northerners are edible. Can you imagine something like that trying to rag around the roundabouts of Milton Keynes? What if he escaped and wandered onto the station where he might encounter somebody from Manchester with a missed connection?”

Said a local MP. A petition to house The Stig in a purpose built bunker far away from Milton Keynes has had several thousand signatures already. But the BBC maintain that it would be cruel to shut The Stig away in a concrete bunker for the rest of its natural life, and that it needs “Fresh air, a well maintained track and a selection of vehicles, not to mention a highly-trained pit crew” in order to thrive.

The BBC has denied claims that the publicity shy racing driver is
eleven small, highly trained spider-monkeys in a racing suit, but have confirmed that they are looking into building “A sort of cross between Colditz, Butlins and Hockenheimring”

Study Shows Katie Hopkins Is Reincarnation Of 17th Century Witch Finder

A new study suggests that controversial media mouthpiece Katie Hopkins is a reincarnation of the 17th century ‘Witchfinder General’ Matthew Hopkins.

The Sun newspaper columnist is believed to be a direct descendant and true reincarnation of the 17th century vicar, responsible for a reign of terror and torture against people accused of being witches.

“The clues are all there,”

Said the scientist that carried out the study.

“It’s obvious that some evil, occult force is at work here, and that the Hopkins known as Katie is a mere vessel for the unquiet spirit of the ‘Witchfinder General’. Back in those days, the government whipped up fear about warlocks and magic, and that allowed the medieval Hopkins to make up loads of stupid shit about witches, and get away with being a gigantic bastard. They didn’t have Twitter or the Geneva Convention in those days of course, so they just tortured and murdered innocent people instead of writing nasty things in some sensationalist rag of a tabloid,”

Hopkins recently described immigrants fleeing brutal regimes as ‘cockroaches’, promoting a police investigation.

“If you look at Matthew Hopkins’s biting satire against the Puritans, all the bollocks he made up about witches, and then at Katie Hopkins’s mealy-mouthed Tweets and moany newspaper column, it’s very probable that Mathew Hopkins has returned from hell to walk amongst us once more,”

The study concluded that the only way to confirm this theory 100% would be to extract a confession by dunking Katie Hopkins in water to see if she floats.

Porn Star Outed As Ukip Candidate

“I’ll never be able to look at his wrinkly old balls bouncing back and forth in the same way again,”

The words of one former fan of veteran porn baron Johnny Rockard from Bristol, after was outed as ‘John Langley’, parliamentary candidate for Ukip.

“It just makes me feel so dirty,”

Said another fan on Twitter.

After it was revealed that porn star Jonny Rockard was in fact Ukip parliamentary candidate ‘John Langley’, a senior porn official has stated that the industry is “proud” to represent people, whatever they do in their private lives – but that Rockard’s other career might compromise his movies.

“After all, we make a living sticking things up people’s bottoms, and we’re as diverse and bisexual as they cum, so we’re not really in a position to judge anyone. Unlike Ukip, we’re accepting of everybody. We’re very disappointed in Johnny, as this is all a bit distasteful and sordid. He’s going to have to have a long, hard, throbbing think about his future in this industry,”

Popular porn actress Busty McGuire has hit out at the revelation, saying she is “disgusted” and calling for his resignation from the grot industry, saying:

“This is entirely inappropriate, and I think he should resign. Porn is truly one of the most diverse, supportive and accepting industries. We all understand what it’s like to be the targets of discrimination and hate because of who we are, and I am just appalled that somebody within our ranks has turned out to be a dirty old Ukipper,”

Pensioner Causes Mucky Minded Pile Up Over Skirt

An elderly lady from Stone in Staffordshire caused a 15 person pile-up of dirty-minded members of the public in the market place today. An ambulance was called to treat bruises.

Pensioner Gladys Oatcake said she didn’t mean to cause the crush, and that she was only deciding which skirt to buy from a market stall.

“I was torn between the pink and the brown you see. I was chatting to the stallholder, and I mentioned that I really loved it in the pink, but wondered if I’d like it in the brown as well, just for a change,”

Gladys told the reporter, who spat out his coffee onto a passing Yorkshire terrier.

“He told me that the pink is roomier and I might find the brown a bit tight, but it would stretch after a while. And then he walked off as if he was going to cry. They looked the same size to me though,”

She added, clarifying that she had no idea what caused the pile-up, or why a passing builder started videoing her on his mobile ‘phone.

“My sister in law Sandra would prefer the brown, and any time she’s got a choice she’d go for the brown, whereas I’d probably be more comfortable with it in the pink. I wouldn’t even consider the brown normally, but Sandra suggested I try the brown as a change from pink, so that’s what I was wondering when people started videoing me on their ‘phones. I couldn’t understand what was going on,”

According to witnesses, a man on a nearby stall

“Cracked up laughing, got his ‘phone out and started videoing Gladys. But he wasn’t watching where he was going, and all of the other people listening to the conversation and sniggering managed to end up tripping over each other and ended up in a heap on the floor outside Superdrug,”

A video taken seconds before the human pile-up recorded Gladys telling the stallholder, who had covered his face with his scarf

“I could have it in the pink and the brown I supposed. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll take it in the pink and the brown please, and then I can always change my mind if it’s too tight. Or Sandra can have it in the brown instead. It’ll be a nice surprise for her,”

The video footage captured the beginning of the pile-up, as a passing mum of two walked into a lamppost in hysterics, and several people tripped over her trying to listen to the conversation.

When questioned, Gladys maintains that she has no idea why everybody was listening to her trying to buy a skirt. When it was suggested that there might have been another meaning to her conversation with the stallholder, Gladys said:

“Oh no! There was nothing mucky about it. I was only deciding which skirt to buy. You shouldn’t do things like that anyway. A friend of mine did that years ago, and she shat herself in Homebase,”

BBC Licence Fee Replaced With Human Sacrifice

The introduction of a universal fee to replace the current TV license is expected to be backed by the BBC Director General Lord Hall.

Plans to include the sacrifice of the first born child in the family, or a one-off exemption fee of several thousand pounds have been discussed.

Households that do not own a TV or watch TV at all will still have to pay the flat rate fee, and offer up their first born son or daughter under the age of 18, for ritual sacrifice in a ‘Hunger Games’ style scenario.

“Single child families will of course be exempt from the ruling. But households of two or more children or teenagers will be obliged to hand over the eldest, for inclusion in a televised fight to the death with medieval style weaopons,”

Said Lord Hall. “There is an option to pay a one-off fee to save your precious first-born from the horror of participation in a violent TV reality show, where they may die or have to brutally murder their peers. We were considering charging an extra fee for BBC services, but this is a more creative, and I feel a fairer way to close the loophole. The children of families on low incomes will have the chance to earn their freedom by slaughtering and battering other contestants with a selection of weapons. The revenue generated by subscribers to the show will ensure funding for future high-quality programming, such as The Great British Bake-Off,”

ATOS Declare Richard III Fit For Work

A leaked email from an ATOS employee, describing the last Plantagenet king as a “lazy bastard” and “just pretending to be dead” has been strenuously defended by the French IT firm.

The company that carried out the Work Capability Assessment test on the deceased king, whose remains were found in a car park in 2012, controversially found him capable of working in an office, or performing light manual labour such as driving a forklift truck.

A spokesperson for Atos said:

“Being a withered pile of smelly old bones that have been rotting under a car park for several centuries, is not in itself a reason to sit around all day not working. We have recommended that the King be dug up immediately and placed on a back-to-work scheme, and have his benefits sanctioned for being a blood-sucking, lazy old bastard.

The Bishop of Leicester, who led the king’s re-internment ceremony has criticised the ruling, saying:

“This is absolutely disgusting. The man’s been dead since 1485, and is in no state to pack people’s shopping bags or sweep up popcorn at the Odeon. He wouldn’t even make a good security guard for a sleepy village shop. Anyway, we’ve just buried him, and we’re not digging him up again. The poor old corpse won’t know if he’s coming or going. Leave him alone,”

Prince Philip ‘No Longer Britain’s Best Bigot’ Claims Jeremy Clarkson

‘Top Gear’ presenter Jeremy Clarkson has smashed the leading score on Top Gear’s “Racist Reasonably In Favour With The Public” leader board.

“That’s the fastest anyone’s ever gone from Allen Partridge to Princess Diana in the public eye,”

Said host Richard Hammond, referring to the petition to reinstate Clarkson.

In an interview about the controversy, Clarkson said:

“If Jonathan Ross called his dog Fatima Whitbread, smirked about it on Twitter and then tried to chin a producer during a tantrum, he’d be down the Jobcentre right now. It’s right there at the top of the board and official now. I’m currently the best bigot reasonably in favour with the public,”

Prince Phillip has consistently topped the leader board, despite the Top Gear team having to knock ten points off for him a royal, and fifteen points for being a senile, out of touch old cabbage-fart. But this time Clarkson has smashed it, destroyed it, ripped it up, and other euphemisms for achievement that sound sort of violent and manly.

“I’m relived in a way,”

Said a Top Gear fan from Grimsby.

“I was worried that when Prince Phillip pops his clogs, we won’t have anyone to regularly give us our vicarious racist thrill by insulting people in public and not ending up a jobless, social pariah, and we’d have to just keep watching ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ on repeat all the time,”

Free Dancing Mouse With Tesco Deliveries

Tesco has announced plans to roll out its ‘Free Dancing Mouse’ scheme, with every home delivery order.

This means that every household that has their groceries delivered, will be treated to a specially trained mouse in a sparkly leotard and two little tap shoes, performing a range of tap performances to old time classics and modern pop songs.

“We trialed this scheme in Clacton, and received a lot of positive feedback. We’re happy to announce that a free dancing mouse will be included in every delivery.

Of course, we do reserve the right to substitute another performing animal if no mice are available, such as a snake that makes balloon animal, or a dog that plays the guitar,”

Said a spokesperson for Tesco.

Customers in Clacton were delighted to receive the dancing mouse, claiming:

“It was just so fast. It’s the last thing you expect with a delivery,”

Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

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Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

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