sacked – The Beezly Street Gazette

Loveable comedy bigot Alf Garnett has been spectacularly fired by the BBC.

The star of 1970’s sitcom ‘Til Death Us Do Part” was involved in a ‘fracas’ with a crew member, after he was served a plate of Thai style food by a producer on the show.

He is alleged to have grumbled “I’m not eating that bloody foreign muck, it looks like sick. I want a proper British steak, with BSE in it,” before throwing the plate of food at the producer’s head and accusing him of being a Romanian pickpocket with several illegitimate daughters.

Lord Hall, the Director General of the BBC announced his decision earlier today. He thanked Garnett for his work on the popular show, but stated that such behaviour could not be tolerated at the Corporation.

“Look old bean. If it was just abusing kiddies backstage at Top of the Pops, or roaming around hospital mortuaries shagging dead bodies in the middle of the night, we could have let it slide. But I’m afraid this really won’t do,”

It is thought that Garnett may sign for US TV network Netflix, with a controversial new history show dedicated to proving that Jesus was English, and that Enoch Powell was just actually a bit misunderstood.

Judges Allowed To Access Porn On Lunch Breaks

Following the recent sacking and resignation of four judges for accessing pornography on their computers at work, there has been a change in the law to allow them to browse pornographic material during their lunch breaks.

The Judicial Conduct Investigations Office has stated that looking at women’s busts and bacon butterflies during working hours was an “inexcusable misuse of IT accounts”, but has laid out new guidelines for accessing erotica during official lunch breaks.

“Judges are notoriously out of touch with the real world and technology, and have only recently discovered the Pandora’s Box of filth available to them at the click of a mouse. Most judges have heard of the Internet, but have no idea how to work an computer mouse, and would probably try to beat it to death with a slipper rather than use it to access XHamster.com.

“On top of the sacking and public shaming, at least one ex judge has been financially fleeced by a twenty-stone Norwegian con-artist posing as a busty porn star named Tits Mgee, and has been forced to sell two of his homes. That goes some way towards showing how new and exciting it is for them,”

Said a spokesperson for the Investigations office.

“Hopefully these new guidelines will allow judges to access videos of German people doing unspeakable things to fruit, vegetables and each other, at a more appropriate time of day,”