BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

Matisse, the dog at the centre of the Britain’s Got Talent scandal has vowed to attend rehab, following accusations of cheating on the show.

“I need to address the issues I have with sausages” said Matisse in a press conference held earlier today.

It started off as a bit of fun, but my obsession with sausages has taken over my life. I will hold my paws up and admit that I got my mate Chase to walk the tightrope in the finale. I’m ashamed to say that I nipped backstage to scoff a Cumberland ring. This has gotten out of hand,”

Owner Julie O’Dwyer said that she was originally planning a fantasy sequence called ‘Indiana Bones and the Temple of Groom’ featuring an ancient Aztec grooming parlour and a giant rolly ball thing. But Matisse insisted on a storyline involving illegal sausage taking for the final leg of the show.

“I never expected the Pupparatzi to react like this. This is some woof justice, but there’s no way Matisse is going to bow wowt of the show with her tail between her legs. She was in the lead from the start, and this is just a pawful reaction,”

Taiwanese Dog Wins Rory McGrath Lookalike Competition

A dog from Taiwan has won the twenty-third international Rory McGrath lookalike competition.

The dog’s owner said:

“We are thrilled to have won. My dog has no idea that he resembles the 57 year old British comedian Rory McGrath, and even if he did understand, he probably wouldn’t care. But I am deeply honoured to accept the award on my dog’s behalf, and I have renamed him Rory and bought him a bone. He still has no idea what’s going on,”

The dog’s owner was unaware of the uncanny resemblance when she had its hair cut into the trendy ‘bubble’ shape, popular with fashionable pooches in Taiwan. A British tourist wanted her picture taken with the dog, who claimed that the dog reminded her of somebody off the telly, but she couldn’t think who.

“Everywhere I went, people were pointing at the dog and shouting ‘That dog reminds me of someone…beard…curly hair….on the telly….tip of me tongue…’ and things like that. So when I got home, I Googled British people with curly hair that are on TV, and immediately spotted Rory McGrath. After I’d finished laughing, I noticed that there was a competition. So I flew to the UK and entered Prince. He won the competition, and we are flying back today with a large ham, a case of ale, some Marks and Spencer’s vouchers and a signed photograph of Rory McGrath,”

Tractor Driving Dog ‘Strong Contender’ For Top Gear

Rumours that Jeremy Clarkson could be replaced by a tractor driving dog named Don were confirmed this afternoon. Kim Shillinglaw, who has the job of replacing Clarkson after he was controversially fired for attacking a crew member, has suggested that Don the Sheepdog is a ‘strong contender’ for the vacant position on the popular motoring show ‘Top Gear’.

Don, who took control of a tractor and drove it onto a motorway after being left in the passenger seat, was said to be ‘delighted’ at the news he was in the running for the role, and ran around howling with joy, before licking his balls for half an hour, and digging up his smelliest bone in celebration.

His owner, a farmer from Scotland, said that Don was a very clever dog, had won many ploughing competitions and can pull wheelies in most farm vehicles. He claimed that his dog would probably lap The Stig in a Vauxhall Astra. But he warned that Don would be unavailable for filming during lambing season, due to his important role as tractor co-pilot.

“This is exactly the sort of daft bollocks we need more of on the show,” said a producer.

“Never mind people that are funny and can talk about cars, especially if they’re women. Don’s a red-blooded male who’d hump your leg soon as look at it, and he knows a thing or two about driving. What he did today was amazing. We’re thinking of adding a new feature to the show called ‘Dog On A Motorway’, where we put dogs behind the wheels of various vehicles and plow them down the embankment,”

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