show – The Beezly Street Gazette

BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

June 2, 2015 by Editor Leave a Comment

Matisse, the dog at the centre of the Britain’s Got Talent scandal has vowed to attend rehab, following accusations of cheating on the show.

“I need to address the issues I have with sausages” said Matisse in a press conference held earlier today.

It started off as a bit of fun, but my obsession with sausages has taken over my life. I will hold my paws up and admit that I got my mate Chase to walk the tightrope in the finale. I’m ashamed to say that I nipped backstage to scoff a Cumberland ring. This has gotten out of hand,”

Owner Julie O’Dwyer said that she was originally planning a fantasy sequence called ‘Indiana Bones and the Temple of Groom’ featuring an ancient Aztec grooming parlour and a giant rolly ball thing. But Matisse insisted on a storyline involving illegal sausage taking for the final leg of the show.

“I never expected the Pupparatzi to react like this. This is some woof justice, but there’s no way Matisse is going to bow wowt of the show with her tail between her legs. She was in the lead from the start, and this is just a pawful reaction,”

Filed Under: animals, Dogs, News, TV, UK Tagged With: 2015, addiction, amanda holden, bgt, britain's got talent, david walliams, dog, dog tricks, fake, figures, julie o'dwyer, matisse, owner, performing dog, prize, rehab, sausages, show, Simon Cowell, stunt, trained, trainer, tv, viewing, winner

Jeremy Kyle ‘Still A Bellend’ Say Experts

May 14, 2015 by Editor 1 Comment

Modern witch finder general Jeremy Kyle’s pertinent rollocking about male victims of domestic violence may be trending today, but experts are quick to point out that he remains one of Britain’s biggest bell ends.

Lord Joldemort issued the dressing-down during an episode of his popular daytime show. For readers not familiar with ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’, it’s a sort of cross between a job centre waiting room on a Wednesday afternoon in Stoke-on-Trent, and a 17th century hanging. Populated mainly by cross-eyed peasants, whose ancestors may have mated with turnips at some point during the reign of Richard the Third, the show was inspired by medieval witch trials. Unfortunately both goats and other livestock as witnesses are not allowed due to health and safety concerns, and the traditional ducking stool has been replaced with a Polygraph test.

Jeremy Vile, as the British public affectionately knows him, acts as a kind of Papa Lazarus to the orgy of sex, lies and criminal dentistry that takes place on the stage, which is built over a deconsecrated plague pit, and said to be cursed.

Although Kyle’s tirade at the audience for laughing at a domestic violence incident was justified, say experts, they are also quick to point out that this in no way detracts from him being a humungous bell end.

“One of the biggest we’ve ever seen in fact,”

Said an expert.

“It’s rare that a bell end of such epic proportions survives into middle age, as barking “PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT!” at volatile peasants after berating them for an an hour in front of a baying mob can be extremely dangerous. But this wily old wanker has not only thrived, but also managed to spawn. A magnificent specimen indeed. Britain’s biggest in fact,”

Filed Under: Celebrity, News, satire, TV, UK Tagged With: audience, daytime, domestic violence, Facebook, funny, hit piece, humor, humour, itv, Jeremy Kyle, Jeremy Vile, male, news, ofcom, satire, satirical, show, spoof, teeth, tirade, trending, tv, twitter

The Stig Will Not Be Released Into The Wild

April 25, 2015 by Editor Leave a Comment

Following the departure of presenters James May and Richard Hammond, the producers of ‘Top Gear’ recommended that that ‘The Stig’ should be released back into the wild. But this has raised objections from experts, who believe that a purpose built, secure sanctuary should house the anonymous racing driver, suggesting the town of Milton Keynes as a possible site.

The BBC claim that the driver cannot quit the show like the other presenters, as he was bought from a luxury racing driver dealer in Dubai and shipped to the UK in a crate. But locals are worried that the white-suited speed fiend may cause havoc, especially if he escapes onto the roads.

“He’s afraid of bells, confused by stairs and thinks that Northerners are edible. Can you imagine something like that trying to rag around the roundabouts of Milton Keynes? What if he escaped and wandered onto the station where he might encounter somebody from Manchester with a missed connection?”

Said a local MP. A petition to house The Stig in a purpose built bunker far away from Milton Keynes has had several thousand signatures already. But the BBC maintain that it would be cruel to shut The Stig away in a concrete bunker for the rest of its natural life, and that it needs “Fresh air, a well maintained track and a selection of vehicles, not to mention a highly-trained pit crew” in order to thrive.

The BBC has denied claims that the publicity shy racing driver is
eleven small, highly trained spider-monkeys in a racing suit, but have confirmed that they are looking into building “A sort of cross between Colditz, Butlins and Hockenheimring”