Sex To Be Replaced With Crossfit

Sex could be phased out and replaced with Crossfit as early as 2020, according to experts.

A Crossfit instructor from Milton Keynes is backing the new legislation, which would see amorous couples performing three rounds of 50 squats, seven muscle-ups and ten hang power cleans, instead of banging each other like a Salvation Army drum.

“Experiencing a Zen-like, Nirvanic pain in your chest after three rounds of burpees and then lying on the floor sobbing in a puddle of a stranger’s sweat is actually better and more effective than sex,”

He explained, while juggling kettleballs with his feet and making a kale and salmon smoothie.

“It’s not about saying no to sex. It’s about saying yes to fitness,”

Experts have pointed out that having several bouts of vigorous sex on a Sunday afternoon, in no way prepares you for rescuing a theoretical grandmother from a hypothetical burning building, or helps you to disarm a rogue grizzly bear that is trying to hold up an off-license with a sawn-off shotgun, and has taken a photogenic small child as a hostage and possibly a snack.

Skeletor to release fitness DVD ‘Abs Of Evil’

After a battle with drugs, a failed rap career & a stint on a Japanese game show, Evil He-Man necromancer Skeletor is to release a workout DVD this summer.

“Accursed wretches! I will smash your pathetic mortal bodies into smitherines and devour them. And then shit those loathsome smitherines into a bucket, and feed them to Jeremy Clarkson,”

Said the sorcerer, beaming the words directly into the minds of fitness fanatics everywhere, before kicking a chair across the room and stabbing Beastman in the leg with a fork for no reason.

Entitled “Abs Of Evil”, the DVD depicts the workout routine of the muscular star.

The routine begins with a vicious tirade, during which Skeletor taunts viewers for being weak and pathetic, and demonstrates his fitness prowess by climbing over He-Man’s garden fence, kicking his greenhouse down with his bare feet and urinating in his pond. He then pulls up all the flowers in the garden and throws them about, informing the viewers:

“So much beauty! I hate it! Fucking flowers, being all colourful and nice. Apart from the purple ones. They’re OK,”

Abs are particularly favoured in the DVD, which also gives general fitness advice like:

“Faster, you snivelling coward. Or I’ll remove your spleen through your left eye socket, and use it as an entree on ‘Come Dine With Me’,”

And:

“The thing you’ve got to remember when you’re working the core, is that I could literally will you to hack your own head off with a plastic picnic knife, if I so desired. Which I probably would, because I am evil,”

The DVD will be available on Amazon, and features an introduction by celebrity client Katie Hopkins, who describes the routine as “Inspirational”.

Dogs Depressed About Missing Testicles

Up to 50% of male dogs sometimes get a bit upset about having no balls, a new study has shown.

When questioned, 21% of dogs said yes, now that you come to mention it, I do miss my balls. 9% felt sad about it from time to time, but both sticks and the smell of bacon cheered them up, and a staggering 40% believe that they could have prevented being neutered by being a ‘good boy’.

20% of dogs admitted to mildly missing them “when they had a bit of a lick and a grunt about down there, and remembered that they were missing”.

7 year old Shep from Worksop said:

“I used to have a magnificent pair of balls. I’m brown and white, so one of them was nearly all white and one was nearly all brown. They were amazing.

“I wasn’t any trouble when I had a big old pair of giggleberrys. In fact, I was full of life, vitality and everything you see in the Pedigree Chum adverts. Then one day I went for a ride in the car, met a nice man with a stethoscope around his neck and woke up wearing the Cone of Shame. I’ve been a bit depressed about it to be honest. In between being ridiculous happy because I found a stick, and overjoyed to the point of spontaneous combustion when my owner comes home from work.

“I sometimes sit there staring into space, thinking about my balls. I wonder where they are now, and if they’re happy. Then my owner asks me if I’m a good boy. I think to myself, if that’s what you do to good boys, what on earth do you do to naughty ones?”

“We’ve Got Enough Food Now Thanks’ Say GMO Protesters

The genetic modification of crops has been deemed unnecessary by the government following a report from people that don’t approve of white-coated witchcraft, and claims that everybody now has enough food.

A poster for the movie ‘Return Of The Killer Tomatoes’ – a bleak, dystopian GMO thriller.

“I’m a mother, and I’m happy with the organic selection on offer at my local supermarket,”

Said Linda Smug, an armchair nutritionist from London, who has an O Level in biology and runs an online forum for people that don’t like the idea of GMO food.

“I certainly don’t want to walk into Tesco and see tomatoes dancing around on legs, or bananas gasping for air on the floor, because they’ve been crossed with rainbow trout. We’ve got enough food now, and those companies are just being greedy,”

When it was pointed out that crops have been genetically modified by farmers for thousands of years, producing the oversized fruits and plump grains that we think of as normal today, Linda said:

“Harrumph! But would you eat a burger made from the offspring of a goat and a shark?”

And ran off crying.

Despite climate change playing havoc with ecosystems and crops in many countries, leading to mass starvation, illness and death of millions of people worldwide, protesters insist that GMO crops are part of a government plot to kill millions of people by feeding them food.

Martin Quinoa, who writes for health website Natural News said:

“It’s well known that Monsanto are in bed with Big Pharma, and that they want to wipe most of the population out. Mostly not us though, just people in other countries that can’t afford the latest Apple technology. Anyway, we’ve got more than enough food now, and we don’t want any new types. Everybody should just stop messing about with it,”

Fat Girls Banned From Trendy Yoga Studios

We caught up with Ocean Breeze from the British Warren of Yoga Bunnies, to ask her why she has controversially banned size 12 and above women from attending her yoga classes.

“It’s just not the image I want to project,”

Said the yoga teacher and Warren spokeswoman, standing on her head in her Laura Ashley kitchen and preparing a quinoa and wheatgrass salad with her feet.

“They reek of white bread and supermarket wine, and one of them was joking about needing a kebab on the way home, to recover from an hour of Bikram. When you do a lot of yoga and keep your body pure, you develop an acute sense of smell, and it’s off-putting to true yoga fans to have these sloths lumping themselves around in the studio,”

When asked if banning larger ladies from daylight classes was in any way prompted by personal prejudice, Ocean Breeze said:

“I am not thinking of myself here, but of all my lovely, tiny, slim yoga bunnies, who have long tolerated the presence of meat eaters, social smokers and dairy consumers. Only yesterday, in our Covent Garden studio (a beautiful space with great energy), a man attended our class, and his shirt fell over his face during the ‘Stork Bumming A Dead Penguin’ pose, and he didn’t even have a six-pack. We try not to judge, so we didn’t say anything. But during the ‘Downward Facing Dog’ pose, he broke wind with great force into the face of the size four vegan behind him, and it smelled of rotting Vindaloo. She’s still in a coma now, and her family are playing whale song 24/7 to wake her up.

“It can be dangerous to have these people in the studio with smaller yoga bunnies,”

Ms Breeze continued, while gracefully returning to a standing posture and staring at her perfect abs in the mirror for several minutes.

“In L.A. a woman with cellulite was attempting the tree pose for the first time, and fell over onto a skeletal yoga instructor, who’d been living off cherry pits and salt licks for the last twenty years, and killed her. That yoga sloth has blood on her hands,”

Understandably shaken and slightly de-yogafied by these recollections, Breeze leads me through to the living room of her airy Highgate apartment. We drink Rooibos tea, and she offers me a slice of carrot. The walls are tastefully decorated with a mish-mash of spiritual symbols from other cultures, including that blue dude from Ikea.

When asked if people of all shapes and sizes should even be allowed to practise yoga, even if they’re not stick thin, middle class, slightly arty gluten free vegans with a Buddha in their front room, she replied:

“Well, I suppose they could. But they should do it at home, or rent a working men’s club or something. Nobody wants to see disgusting, imperfect people standing on one leg. It’s obscene,”

Guest post by Ruby Tuesday.

Superfood Quinoa ‘Just Couscous For Twats’

Pronounced ‘Keen-Wha’ even though it’s spelled Kwinoah to embarrass people in Holland and Barret, the healthy super food has been dubbed ‘Couscous For Twats’ by nutrition experts.

Couscous is actually a type of pasta rather than a grain. But quinoa is so pretentious that it’s not even a real grain, but a type of ‘pseudo cereal’, meaning that it’s actually a seed.

Experts have recommended that uncooked quinoa be labelled ‘Couscous For Twats’, to distinguish it from couscous, which started out as a super food, and then turned out to be not that nutritionally different from Spaghetti Hoops.

The Incas, who dubbed it the ‘Mother Grain’, because they did weird things like that, because they were Incas, thought quinoa was the absolute bollocks. They also regarded it as sacred, which ancient peoples tended to do with crops, if they would starve to death without them. They probably would have worshipped potatoes and sacrificed children to a Birdseye Potato Waffle god too, had they grown potatoes as well.

Grown high in the Andes, the magic grain is regarded as a ‘perfect food’ and a complete source of protein. This makes it a vital food source for anybody with a western diet and access to a supermarket, because of course there are only about seven thousand other sources of protein available, every single day of the year.

Like all wholemeal grains including rice, it is packed with fibre. It is also gluten free, making it ideal for anybody with a gluten allergy, real or imagined.

The ‘Couscous For Twats’ labelling is part of a government initiative to stop people wasting money on expensive superfoods, or for feeling guilty for not eating them, when they already have access to a wide range of healthy options in their local supermarket.

“This labelling is unnecessary and inaccurate,”

Said past-it pseudo-nutritionist Dr. Gillian McKieth, poking the newly labelled bag with her broomstick.

“Quinoa is nothing like couscous!”

Selfish Career Woman Turns Into Plate Of Lime Jelly

A former businesswoman has turned into an actual plate of lime-flavoured jelly, in the shape of a pair of wobbling breasts, after she tried to meet the demands of her career and her baby at the same time, the Daily Mail has reported.

Linda Smith, 31 from Devon turned into a plate of jelly after following some conflicting advice she read on the Daily Mail website.

Linda Smith in her current form as a pair of lime-flavoured jelly breasts.

After selfishly trying to run her business, as well as selfishly having a baby, her first after 15 fertile years of selfishly not having a baby, but relieved that she managed to avoid teenage pregnancy, Linda admitted she felt “exhausted and inadequate”.

“I was quite proud of running a business and looking after my baby at the same time, even though we’re both very tired & it’s hard sometimes. But now I realise I was wrong, and the stress has turned me into plate of lime jelly. I’m a terrible person and I’m going to hell,”

“I wish I’d looked at the Mail Online sooner, because then I would have realised what an awful, selfish idiot I am, and how I’m doing absolutely everything wrong. I’m turning my baby into a serial killer by leaving him with my sister 3 days a week. He’ll probably be gay because I bottle feed him when he’s at work with me. My roots are showing, I haven’t got any lippy on, my armpits haven’t been moisturised in weeks, and I bet my husband’s having an affair. I wouldn’t blame him, to be honest,”

Now that Linda is a plate of lime-flavoured, none-vegan jelly pair of breasts wobbling about on a plate in her parents fridge, she wants to warn other women about the dangers of having a baby, not having a baby, having a baby too early, and leaving it too late to have a baby.

“Basically, you’re a selfish, awful woman, or at best misguided, whatever you decide to do. Even not having a baby is fraught with danger and probably really selfish. Your best bet is to become a nun really, because then you’re automatically exempt from having a usable vagina and doing the wrong thing with it,”

‘No No No You Haven’t Measured It Properly’ Say Men In Penis Size Study

Scientists have measured 15000 male appendages from all over the world to determine the average size. But almost every man in the study is complaining that they weren’t measured accurately enough.

“By my measurements, it’s actually 4.8.3 inches, or exactly mid way between the 6 button and the 9 button on the TV remote control. And to be fair, it was quite nippy in that room,”

Said a man from Manchester that took part in the study.

The BJU International journal of urology insists that all measurements were accurately taken and double-checked by scientists.

“Nah,” said a man from Dublin. “It was having an off day. I must have been dehydrated or something. And it was snowing outside, and I was wearing unusually thin trousers that day. I want to go back and get it measured again,”

“Male appendages are very much much of a muchness,” said a doctor in the study. “It’s unusual to get an especially large or small one, but men can worry about the size a great deal. We created a graph to show actual sizes of real, ordinary men, to reassure anyone that’s worried about the size,”

“Well I’m not worried about the size,” said a man from South America. “Why would I worry? I’ve never had any complaints. The scientist was probably freaked out by the size of it, and that’s why the measurement was off. It’s at least three quarters of a centimetre bigger than that. It’s winter too, and the tape measure was cold,”

Top 4 People Grammar Freaks Need To Unfriend Right Now

If you’re a lover of the English language, then Facebook could be bad for your health.

A doctor and lifetime sufferer of ‘Grammar Rage’ has warned that grammar and punctuation fans can suffer dangerous levels of stress while scrolling through Facebook.

“While most people might not even notice the apostrophe on a sign that says ‘Pie’s For Sale’, this will send a stickler for grammar into cold shivers and in some cases, a fit of violent rage.

“As much as we try to ignore the fact that some people appear to have allowed their cat to type their Facebook statuses, or have simply sat on the keyboard and jumped up and down, it does register in a very deep part of the brain.

“Daily exposure to this type of dribbling stupidity and derp-happy disregard for the English language can cause long-term health problems related to stress,”

Said Doctor Hemmingway.

“It isn’t just grammar. People taking liberties with basic English, such as inventing their own punctuation or simply omitting it all together can cause similar levels of murderous, deeply internalised rage.

“There is a simple test in this article to see if you are a hard-core grammar fan & potential sufferer of ‘Grammar Rage’. Simply spot the accidental mistakes the writer of this article has probably made, not counting the crass colloquialisms and silly, made up words.

“By far the worst offenders are people that are simply irritating in their own right, like people that whinge all the time or clog up your feed with their nauseous poetry, or pretentious musings on the meaning of their own utterly un-interesting lives. When this is combined with a sort of muck-spreader approach to punctuation, or with text speak, excessive use of emoticons, or loads of ellipses to indicate that they are deep and clever, this causes a build-up of stabby anger that can manifest into all sorts of problems later on down the line.”

Doctor Hemmingway advises sufferers to simply block, or at least hide the posts of the worst offenders. Here’s a guide to avoiding the worst of Facebook:

Haiku Guy (or girl)

 The one that

Types their status

in a sort of

Mournful Poetic

Nonsense Badger

Scrambled eggs Irritating

Haiku style

“These people are simply idiots, and there is no helping them,”

said Doctor Hemmingway. “They are obviously aware on some level that the English language does have rules, but that they are too special to take much notice of them, and have decided to invent their own,”

Left Foot Typist

The person that appears to have typed every status standing on one leg, with their none-dominant big toe.

“Words are made of certain letters, and they go in a certain order. Why some people feel forget this or feel the need to mess with this is beyond most fully-functioning human being’s comprehension.

This goes way beyond not being able to spell very well, and it’s usually easy to spot if somebody is simply dyslexic, because they will try to write something coherent and muddle things up accidentally, which is absolutely fine. The true grammar freak understands this, and respects the person for giving it a bash. What I’m talking about is people that appear to have face-planted the keyboard several times and then added the word ‘lol’ at the end,”

Winnie The Pooh Capitaliser

 When a Status contains randomly Capitalised letters, for absolutely No reason whatsoever.

“When a grammar fiend reads a status like this, they picture the writer typing slowly with one finger, with their tongue sticking out as they deliberately capitalise each individual letter. And it makes them want to punch that person in the face,”

Texters

People that use text speak, when there is a fully functioning keyboard containing all the letters they may need in front of them.

“The English language is constantly changing, and we all use slang and abbreviations sometimes. But Facebook is public, and if you type like a member of the cast of “The Only Way Is Essex” might text their partner after a night of free cocktails, then grammar freaks will be judging you. “We can just about forgive teenagers for writing like idiots, and hope that they will grow out of it. But anyone over the age of 19 is now out of the larval stage, and therefore worthy of our rage,”

‘Put The Lotion In The Basket’ Atos Tells Sick & Disabled

Sick and disabled people that wish to appeal fitness-to-work decisions by Atos, are to be thrown down a well and asked to “Put the lotion in the basket,”

“This is a much more accurate assessment of whether somebody is capable of returning to work, than simply asking them loads of questions and then ignoring all the answers,” Said a spokesperson for Atos.

“By throwing them down a well, and then lowering a bucket down on a string and asking them to rub lotion into themselves, our assessors can get a clear picture of whether they are capable of re-entering the job market,”

The procedure involves leaving the claimant at the bottom of the well in the dark, with only chicken bones to chew on for a couple of days, to see if they climb out. If they do escape, they may be arrested for benefit fraud. If not, the bucket is lowered down with lotion in, which the claimant must use and then return to the bucket.

“Or it will get the hose!” added the spokesperson.

The procedure is intended to supplement rather than replace the traditional interview with the incorrectly qualified specialist. Claimants with mental health issues are still going to be seen by physiotherapists, and people about to have their homes repossessed because of their illness, will still be able to talk to some judgmental, Subaru-driving, incompetent cockwomble, that thinks you look suspiciously healthy for a cancer patient.

“We did suggest charging the most financially and medically vulnerable members of society upwards of a hundred quid to appeal a decision, that was based on some snooty bastard looking them up & down and deciding that they’re lying. But even we couldn’t get away with that. We feel that throwing them down a well and screaming at them to put the lotion in the basket is a fairer way forward,”

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