The Stig Will Not Be Released Into The Wild

Following the departure of presenters James May and Richard Hammond, the producers of ‘Top Gear’ recommended that that ‘The Stig’ should be released back into the wild. But this has raised objections from experts, who believe that a purpose built, secure sanctuary should house the anonymous racing driver, suggesting the town of Milton Keynes as a possible site.

Fake Stig

The BBC claim that the driver cannot quit the show like the other presenters, as he was bought from a luxury racing driver dealer in Dubai and shipped to the UK in a crate. But locals are worried that the white-suited speed fiend may cause havoc, especially if he escapes onto the roads.

“He’s afraid of bells, confused by stairs and thinks that Northerners are edible. Can you imagine something like that trying to rag around the roundabouts of Milton Keynes? What if he escaped and wandered onto the station where he might encounter somebody from Manchester with a missed connection?”

Said a local MP. A petition to house The Stig in a purpose built bunker far away from Milton Keynes has had several thousand signatures already. But the BBC maintain that it would be cruel to shut The Stig away in a concrete bunker for the rest of its natural life, and that it needs “Fresh air, a well maintained track and a selection of vehicles, not to mention a highly-trained pit crew” in order to thrive.

The BBC has denied claims that the publicity shy racing driver is
eleven small, highly trained spider-monkeys in a racing suit, but have confirmed that they are looking into building “A sort of cross between Colditz, Butlins and Hockenheimring”

Alf Garnett Sacked By BBC

Loveable comedy bigot Alf Garnett has been spectacularly fired by the BBC.

jeremy clarkson

The star of 1970’s sitcom ‘Til Death Us Do Part” was involved in a ‘fracas’ with a crew member, after he was served a plate of Thai style food by a producer on the show.

He is alleged to have grumbled “I’m not eating that bloody foreign muck, it looks like sick. I want a proper British steak, with BSE in it,” before throwing the plate of food at the producer’s head and accusing him of being a Romanian pickpocket with several illegitimate daughters.

Lord Hall, the Director General of the BBC announced his decision earlier today. He thanked Garnett for his work on the popular show, but stated that such behaviour could not be tolerated at the Corporation.

“Look old bean. If it was just abusing kiddies backstage at Top of the Pops, or roaming around hospital mortuaries shagging dead bodies in the middle of the night, we could have let it slide. But I’m afraid this really won’t do,”

It is thought that Garnett may sign for US TV network Netflix, with a controversial new history show dedicated to proving that Jesus was English, and that Enoch Powell was just actually a bit misunderstood.