David Cameron Appoints Katie Hopkins As Minister For Spite

David Cameron has appointed Sun columnist Katie Hopkins as minster for Spite. Her duties will include closing hospital wings, thinking up new sanctions for the Job Centre and wandering around the streets of London kicking busker’s hats over.

An expert on both virulence and malevolence, Hopkins is unusual in having not served as an MP prior to her appointment. It is widely believed that she may have a ‘dossier of dirt’ on one or more members of the cabinet, possibly involving copious quantities of Swarfega and the services of an elderly goat, which the unnamed cabinet member may have drunkenly mistaken for Katie herself.

Prime Minster David Cameron said in a statement.

“It is vital that that the poor, the sick and the disabled are punished. For too long, this country has been headed out of the dark ages. I believe that Katie Hopkins is the woman to lead us into an age of bleak, dribbling backwardness the like of which has not been seen since medieval times. She may be half-goat, half Shakespearian witch and probably a secret Nazi in her spare time, but she is all Tory,”

Tory ‘Rapture’ Scheduled For Wednesday. Unbelievers Eaten By Demons

The Conservative party have scheduled a ‘rapture’ on Wednesday afternoon, where the faithful will ascend to a new and purer Britain.

Opera singer Katherine Jenkins has been tipped to open proceedings with a rendition of ‘God Save The Queen’. In the new Utopia there will be no food banks, no hooded sweatshirts and no pesky immigrants arriving on boats, fleeing a regime that saw their whole family murdered in front of them. Daily Mail columnist Melanie Phillips has already been appointed Archbishop, and gays and lesbians are automatically excluded from the rapture, to ensure that the weather stays predictable and clement.

Everybody that voted for the Conservative party will literally leave the earth to meet their local MP in the air, and will be guided to a special version of the UK, where they can mix and breed with their own kind.

Those left behind on the day of the Rapture will be eaten by three headed dog-demons the size of ice cream vans, which will issue from Katie Hopkins’s big white Tory arse at half past three in the afternoon. There is no escape from the demons, and the public have been warned to not to even bother trying to run or hide from them.

Image from this website. LOL.

Nobody Willing To Admit To Voting Tory

A post election poll shows that nobody in the UK appeared to vote for the conservative party, apart from a handful of posh old fruitcakes that don’t give a shit what people think, because they’re ancient and loaded.

The survey, conducted by a random sampling of Facebook user’s updates that contained the words “vote” or “election” reveals that users are unwilling to admit to voting Conservative, even if they did. The majority of posts mention the Labour party, followed by the Liberal Democrat and Green parties. Posts in support of the Conservative party are conspicuously absent.

It is thought that a combination of guilt for being a self-serving, greedy little bastard that doesn’t give a shit about anything apart from money, and the baying mobs gathering in several parts of the country are to blame. An alternative theory is that the election was rigged. But of course this only happens in countries run by corrupt, narcissistic despots

Record Number Of Bushes Trimmed On World Naked Gardening Day

‘World Naked Gardening Day’ was held yesterday, and has been declared a resounding success by green-fingered naturists.

Despite health & safety concerns, only one mishap was reported, when a woman from Buckinghamshire accidently clipped a low-hanging fruit whilst pruning with her husband.

The event has brought communities together in Stoke-on-Trent, where a whole street gathered to admire an oversized marrow.

“I didn’t even know there were so many gardeners on this street,”

Said Mrs Davies from number 74 Badger Avenue.

“If you look up and down the street now, you’ll see lots of hoes just lying about in the gardens. My husband was admiring next door’s hoe this morning. He told me the rhubarb next door is smashing. He reckons the grass is greener over there too, but I’m sure we can fix that with a can of Evergreen,”

Many old bushes got a new lease of life, with their first proper trim for many years. Some gardeners preferred a minimalist approach to pruning, but the Women’s Institute in Southport were quick to point out that while fashionable, many actually preferred a more vigorous bush, and demonstrated a selection of tastefully trimmed foliage on their Twitter account.

A pair of uphill gardeners from Brighton invited the neighbours over to view their lovely cucumbers in their back garden, and the day ended with tea, scones and a firm commitment to naked gardening in the future.

“This has been such a great day,”

Said Laura Smith, one of the couple’s neighbours.

“I’ve never really spoken to my neighbours much before. But when you see such spectacular vegetables, you can’t help but pop your head over and say hello. It’s really brought us much closer as a community. I say rock on next naked gardening day!”

Wicked Witch Can’t Wait To Curse Royal Baby

A bitter, maligned old witch with a grudge and a warty nose has spoken of her joy at the news of another royal baby.

Agnes Evil, 182, from a cave in Wales, narrowly missed putting a curse on Prince George, due to her hip replacement making it difficult for her to ride her broomstick. But she is looking forward to casting an ironic enchantment upon the second royal baby, due any time now.

“My family has been cursing royal babies on and off for hundreds of years. Charles’s curse was cast by my mother, and it was to have a wife more popular than him, who would bear a ginger boy-child to another man. And to be ancient when he was finally crowned, and also to believe in silly woo-woo crap like talking to plants. I can’t reveal what is in store for William and Harry, although part of the prophecy was fulfilled when Harry dressed up as a Nazi and it was in all the papers,”

Agnes is taking no chances this time, and is staying in a hotel close to the hospital where the royal baby will be born.

“It’s very nice here. There’s a flushing loo and a sink, although they have banned me from cooking frogs in the room, or bringing in live pigeons and extracting their tongues with tweezers, as it made a mess of the bedroom carpet. I’ve bought some frozen ones instead, which they are keeping on ice for me, so hopefully they will work just as well,”

Agnes is keeping the twisted, awful nature of the curse to herself for now, although she has hinted at “Scandal, debauchery and something to do with elephants. Mark my words, this is going to be a doozy” although she has categorically denied including any gingerness in her evil spell.

The Stig Will Not Be Released Into The Wild

Following the departure of presenters James May and Richard Hammond, the producers of ‘Top Gear’ recommended that that ‘The Stig’ should be released back into the wild. But this has raised objections from experts, who believe that a purpose built, secure sanctuary should house the anonymous racing driver, suggesting the town of Milton Keynes as a possible site.

The BBC claim that the driver cannot quit the show like the other presenters, as he was bought from a luxury racing driver dealer in Dubai and shipped to the UK in a crate. But locals are worried that the white-suited speed fiend may cause havoc, especially if he escapes onto the roads.

“He’s afraid of bells, confused by stairs and thinks that Northerners are edible. Can you imagine something like that trying to rag around the roundabouts of Milton Keynes? What if he escaped and wandered onto the station where he might encounter somebody from Manchester with a missed connection?”

Said a local MP. A petition to house The Stig in a purpose built bunker far away from Milton Keynes has had several thousand signatures already. But the BBC maintain that it would be cruel to shut The Stig away in a concrete bunker for the rest of its natural life, and that it needs “Fresh air, a well maintained track and a selection of vehicles, not to mention a highly-trained pit crew” in order to thrive.

The BBC has denied claims that the publicity shy racing driver is
eleven small, highly trained spider-monkeys in a racing suit, but have confirmed that they are looking into building “A sort of cross between Colditz, Butlins and Hockenheimring”

Twats Tweeting Twattily About Apple Watch On Twitter

Twats worldwide have been Tweeting twattilly on Twitter about their new Apple watches.

“Look at me, I’ve got a black and gold one!”

Tweeted a twat in Australia, proudly showing of his twatty new wristwear to his twat friends.

Twats on twat-playground Instagram that pre-ordered the Apple watch have been taking twatty pictures of themselves unboxing the twatty new technology, designed especially for twats.

Twattily using loads of hashtags to alert as many Instagram users as possible that they’re a massive twat with the technology to prove it, many twats opted for the particularly twatty #nofilter hashtag to tag selfies of them wearing the watch. This is twat shorthand for ‘I like, don’t need a flattering filter to make me good looking’ thus proving that they are twats.

A twat in the UK posted a picture of his arm showing the watch, a ‘casually placed’ expensive laptop in the background and an Armani cufflink on his twatty purple shirt. Other users snapped their watch synching with their I-Phone, as if this would somehow compensate for them being a twat, and some twat of a footballer even got invited to the Apple store to be personally shown how to set up the twatty piece of arm equipment.

23 delusional twats in Sydney, Australia spent several hours of their twatty lives that they’re never going to get back, fruitlessly queuing outside the Apple store to buy one. Unfortunately for these wannabe twats, the true twats tweeting twattily about their pre-ordered Twat-watches are going to have the last laugh. Twattily, probably.

End Of Days Begins With ‘Blood Rain’ – Pigeon Plague To Follow

The biblical apocalypse is set to begin this weekend with ‘blood rain’, according to forecasters. The MET office issued a statement that said:

“We’re going to have a dry summer after this. Mostly because of an angry God striking the land with a deadly drought, so that even our very bones may turn to dust. But first it’s going to rain blood, and then probably a plague of pigeons or something. It’s all there in the bible,”

Revelation 11:6 says:

“they have power over the waters to turn them into blood and to strike the earth with every kind of plague, as often as they desire.”

The pigeon plague has been confirmed by several visionaries, including a psychic nun at the Vatican. Sister Mary saw “droves of diseased pigeons landing on every surface and turning the country white with deadly guano,”

An apocalypse alert has been issued in London, and health experts have warned the general public to avoid outside activity, worshipping false idols, voting Ukip or eating fish on a Friday.

“Not that there will be many fish, because the oceans and rivers are first going to run red with blood and then dry up like an old sock in a tumble dryer as a punishment for our lascivious wickedness,”

Added the MET office.

“In fact, your best bet for survival is to sacrifice none-believers, renounced your love for Satan and pray the Lord takes pity on your pathetic soul, as you lie dying amidst wailing and gnashing teeth in the crumbling ruins of modern-day Sodem,”

The minister for public safety said:

“There’s really no way to avoid this apocalypse, as it will affect most people living in the UK. Citizens should take care on the Tube, as the Thames may spontaneously change course and flood the Underground system, and those with asthma might be affected by all the brimstone. Expect traffic delays, millions of gory deaths, and limited opening hours at Sainsbury’s. And do not feed the pigeons,”

Apple To Release I-Wasp In Time For Summer

We didn’t even know that we needed a remote-controlled glass wasp that could fly about and sting people, as well as store your contacts and download books from Kindle. But we sure do now.

Computer brand Apple has announced plans to launch their new bionic insect iWasp in time for this year’s festivals and barbeques.

With all the intuitive functionality you’d expect from an Apple product, the iWasp is a ‘stingable computing’ smartwasp type device that flies about inflicting painful stings on other users, and licks their lollies at the park or in the garden.

Features include voice activation, a choice of buzzing sounds, a retractable stinger, refillable venom sac and a moveable head. The iWasp can eat a variety of sugary substances, but prefers melted ice creams and fruit juice stains.

This year’s festivals are certainly going to be buzzing, as thousands of pre-orders have already been placed.

An excited Apple fan from Coventry said:

“I can’t wait the get the iWasp for the Download festival. Instead of spending the whole time looking at my ‘phone and taking pictures of things and putting them on Facebook, I’m going to be ordering my iWasp to sting people in the neck, and then filming their reaction and putting it on Twitter,”

Photo from http://www.cgtrader.com/3d-models/weapon-military/armor/robot-wasp

Turner Prize For Man That Stuffed 9 Crème Eggs Up Bum

A 34 year old man from Lancashire has been awarded this year’s prestigious art award the Turner Prize, for cramming a total of 9 Cadbury’s Crème Eggs up his rabbit-hole over the Easter weekend, smashing the previous record of 6.

Culture Minister Kim Howelles, who was reading the Sunday Sport on the bog earlier today said in a statemen:

“This is the best thing I have ever seen in my life, and he must have a ringpiece like a chewed orange today. There have been a lot of things missing from popular British art, and conviction is one of them. This exciting young artist has demonstrated that conviction, and I only pray that he has splashed out on some Andrex, as that Smartprice stuff is going to feel he’s wiping his arse on a brick for the next few days,”

The prize, which has previously been awarded for a dead shark, and for Tracey Emin lying in bed drinking vodka in her pants & then not tidying up, was the instant and obvious choice by curators and critics. Its creator has been hailed as a genius and a legend.

Lemon-sucking Evening Standard art critic Brian Sewell, that normally hates everything on general principle said:

“This is a new era in British art. Normally the Turner Prize is a total farce, a conveyer belt of tasteless pranks drooled over by dreary idiots in Primark raincoats. But come on. 9 Crème Eggs. 9! This is a near-perfect metaphor for broken Britain,”

Bruce Patterson will go on display in the Turner Gallery with 9 Crème Eggs up his arse in May.

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