David Cameron’s Voodoo Doll Collection Uncovered

According to a cabinet insider, Prime Minister David Cameron has a large collection of ‘Voodoo Dolls’ in a secret room at number 10 Downing Street.

The dolls were said to be crafted by Cameron himself, a well-known practitioner of the Black Arts and shape-shifting lizard.

The unnamed Cabinet member said:

“He’s got a big doll in the shape of the letters NHS. When he’s in a mood, he goes into the room, lights a black candle and jumps up and down on it. There’s a big Ouija Board inscribed in the blood of the innocent in the middle of the room, which he uses to talk to Margaret Thatcher,”

The source goes on to describe how Cameron leads a Satanic mass before every Cabinet meeting, where various ‘Voodoo dolls’ are tortured and thrown around.

“He picked up the Nigel Farage one and made it walk across the table saying “Look at me, I’m a big plonker, hahahaha!” and poured a pint of ale over its head. Then he punched the Jobseekers doll in the stomach and threw it in the bin, and ordered Ian Duncan-Smith to flush its head down the toilet later,”

It is estimated that there are around 100 occult dolls in David Cameron’s possession, embedded with pins, knives and other sharp objects. Some of the dolls have disappeared, and it is believed that they have been fed to a powerful demon named Atos.

“There are a few that he hasn’t got around to mangling yet,”

Said the source.

“But it’s only a matter of time,”

Photograph from the fabulous TV Tropes website.

Tory ‘Rapture’ Scheduled For Wednesday. Unbelievers Eaten By Demons

The Conservative party have scheduled a ‘rapture’ on Wednesday afternoon, where the faithful will ascend to a new and purer Britain.

Opera singer Katherine Jenkins has been tipped to open proceedings with a rendition of ‘God Save The Queen’. In the new Utopia there will be no food banks, no hooded sweatshirts and no pesky immigrants arriving on boats, fleeing a regime that saw their whole family murdered in front of them. Daily Mail columnist Melanie Phillips has already been appointed Archbishop, and gays and lesbians are automatically excluded from the rapture, to ensure that the weather stays predictable and clement.

Everybody that voted for the Conservative party will literally leave the earth to meet their local MP in the air, and will be guided to a special version of the UK, where they can mix and breed with their own kind.

Those left behind on the day of the Rapture will be eaten by three headed dog-demons the size of ice cream vans, which will issue from Katie Hopkins’s big white Tory arse at half past three in the afternoon. There is no escape from the demons, and the public have been warned to not to even bother trying to run or hide from them.

Image from this website. LOL.

Entire Country Smacked And Sent To Bed After Election

Everybody apart from Scotland is required to smack themselves on the bottom with a slipper and send themselves to bed with no tea, after this year’s election results.

 

Mum of three Norma Jones said she had thrown the nice lasagne and bottle of wine she was keeping for Friday in the bin, and was planning on sending herself and her husband to bed at half past six with no Wifi or giggling.

Geography teacher Leonard Powell said “It’s not just everyone else I’ve let down. I’ve let myself down as well. I was going to pop to the pub tonight as it’s been a rough week, but I’m going to sit in my bedroom in the dark with no heating on and mark some homework by candlelight,”

Anybody caught out on the street after half past six this evening will be made to copy out David Cameron’s autobiography in their neatest handwriting, and then throw it in the bin.

Your Dog Loves You A Super Creepy Amount

A recent study suggests that dogs love their owners in a way that would be “super creepy” if they were humans.

Dolly, a King Charles spaniel from Milton Keynes said:

“I love my owner Susan so much, I literally want to be surgically grafted onto her back, so that I can lick her ice-creams over her shoulder. Nothing short of a full, medical operation to turn us into Siamese Twins will ever sate the ocean of obsessive love I feel for Susan,”

Rocky, a 4 year old Staffy from Cardiff said:

“I lick my owner Brian’s arm every day, because ingesting his dead skin cells and salt from his beautiful arm makes me feel closer to him. The only reason I have not dragged his girlfriend in front of a bus, is because I just can’t bear to see him upset,”

91% of dogs said that had scrolled through their owner’s ‘phones to see who they had been talking to. 57% had considered secretly bumping off other pets or partners in a fit of jealousy, and 33% admitted that their favourite song was the ballad “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith, as it reminded them of the night their owner fell asleep on the sofa, and they just stared at them the entire time they were sleeping.

Record Number Of Bushes Trimmed On World Naked Gardening Day

‘World Naked Gardening Day’ was held yesterday, and has been declared a resounding success by green-fingered naturists.

Despite health & safety concerns, only one mishap was reported, when a woman from Buckinghamshire accidently clipped a low-hanging fruit whilst pruning with her husband.

The event has brought communities together in Stoke-on-Trent, where a whole street gathered to admire an oversized marrow.

“I didn’t even know there were so many gardeners on this street,”

Said Mrs Davies from number 74 Badger Avenue.

“If you look up and down the street now, you’ll see lots of hoes just lying about in the gardens. My husband was admiring next door’s hoe this morning. He told me the rhubarb next door is smashing. He reckons the grass is greener over there too, but I’m sure we can fix that with a can of Evergreen,”

Many old bushes got a new lease of life, with their first proper trim for many years. Some gardeners preferred a minimalist approach to pruning, but the Women’s Institute in Southport were quick to point out that while fashionable, many actually preferred a more vigorous bush, and demonstrated a selection of tastefully trimmed foliage on their Twitter account.

A pair of uphill gardeners from Brighton invited the neighbours over to view their lovely cucumbers in their back garden, and the day ended with tea, scones and a firm commitment to naked gardening in the future.

“This has been such a great day,”

Said Laura Smith, one of the couple’s neighbours.

“I’ve never really spoken to my neighbours much before. But when you see such spectacular vegetables, you can’t help but pop your head over and say hello. It’s really brought us much closer as a community. I say rock on next naked gardening day!”

‘Wasps Can Still F*** Off’ Claim Animal Lovers

Britain is famously a nation of animal lovers, and numbers of vegetarians, vegans and anti cruelty supporters are growing. But wasps can still f*** right off, according to many animal loving Brits.

Margaret Otter, who runs a sanctuary for abandoned pets, including turtles, tarantulas and lizards said;

“I’ve got a special spray that I use to kill them, and then I watch them die, and then I chop off their head with a plastic picnic knife, pop it on a cocktail stick and stand it by the gate as a warning to other wasps,”

A hunt saboteur from Hampshire said;

“I love all animals apart from wasps. If one flew near me while I was reading, I would definitely twat it with the book, even if it meant getting a bit of wasp juice on the book,”

Martin Carrot, a vegan since the 1960’s said:

“Hey come on. It’s wasps we’re talking about here, not butterflies or bees. It’s like they deliberately pick on you when you’re innocently going about your business. I wouldn’t kill or eat one, but I’ve got absolutely no sympathy for them,”

Reasons for disliking wasps varied, and included “hanging around and being annoying when you’re trying to make jam” and “building nests in the eaves of your house”. But “stinging people for no good reason,” and “well, they’re just bastards aren’t they?” were two of the most popular reasons for disliking wasps.

“I’m against animal testing,”

Said an animal rights protester in Manchester.

“But if someone poured shampoo into a wasp’s eye and made it smoke tobacco, I probably wouldn’t give a shit,”

‘Exposure’ Now Legal Tender For Photographers

A change in the law will allow photographers to pay rent on their homes & studios with ‘exposure’ instead of money. They will also be able to buy coffee, shampoo and other essentials, by mentioning to the checkout assistant that they did a big job last week for nothing, and are hoping it will bring them some paying clients.

Landlords and supermarkets are protesting this move, on the grounds that “Well what the hell am I supposed to do with ‘exposure’? I can’t pay my bills with fresh bloody air! Why can’t you just give me money like every bugger else?”

The controversial new change will allow photographers to pay for their homes and studios by doing freebies for people that want pictures of their spoiled daughter at her expensive Sweet Sixteen party, pictures of their hair-brained new business idea, or a range of merchandise they plan to sell on EBay.

The owner of an online sausage website said:

“This is a very good deal, and I can’t understand what you’re all moaning about. I own a big sausage factory, and when people see that you have photographed my famous sausages, you’ll be beating off paying clients with a mucky stick. Everybody knows that’s how it works. If you think about it, I’m actually doing you a favor by letting you photograph my sausages,”

Photographers themselves claim that they don’t really give a shit how famous your sausages are, or how many wealthy parents will be at your daughter’s swanky party that cost a grand to put on.

“The old saying went – if you pay peanuts you get monkeys,”

Said a professional photographer from Leeds.

“It used to be that if you planned to pay in imaginary benefits, good luck with your imaginary professional photographer, and the top notch professional service that you won’t be receiving. They’ll probably throw in imaginary re-touching and shoot it on a fictional Hasselblad as well,

“But with this new change in the law, I can actually pay the rent on my studio by spending the whole afternoon photographing someone’s annoying children for nothing. I can even get a free coffee in Starbucks by whipping out my portfolio and showing them all the many hours of retouching I did on some bright orange teenager whose mum told her she could be a model. This has revolutionized the field of photography, and I couldn’t be more delighted,”

A spokesperson for the National Landlords Association said:

“This is absolutely outrageous. How can anyone in their right minds hope to pay for goods and services with ‘exposure’? If we’re forced to accept the promise of future work in lieu of actual money, we’re all going to go bankrupt!”

Taiwanese Dog Wins Rory McGrath Lookalike Competition

A dog from Taiwan has won the twenty-third international Rory McGrath lookalike competition.

The dog’s owner said:

“We are thrilled to have won. My dog has no idea that he resembles the 57 year old British comedian Rory McGrath, and even if he did understand, he probably wouldn’t care. But I am deeply honoured to accept the award on my dog’s behalf, and I have renamed him Rory and bought him a bone. He still has no idea what’s going on,”

The dog’s owner was unaware of the uncanny resemblance when she had its hair cut into the trendy ‘bubble’ shape, popular with fashionable pooches in Taiwan. A British tourist wanted her picture taken with the dog, who claimed that the dog reminded her of somebody off the telly, but she couldn’t think who.

“Everywhere I went, people were pointing at the dog and shouting ‘That dog reminds me of someone…beard…curly hair….on the telly….tip of me tongue…’ and things like that. So when I got home, I Googled British people with curly hair that are on TV, and immediately spotted Rory McGrath. After I’d finished laughing, I noticed that there was a competition. So I flew to the UK and entered Prince. He won the competition, and we are flying back today with a large ham, a case of ale, some Marks and Spencer’s vouchers and a signed photograph of Rory McGrath,”

Twats Tweeting Twattily About Apple Watch On Twitter

Twats worldwide have been Tweeting twattilly on Twitter about their new Apple watches.

“Look at me, I’ve got a black and gold one!”

Tweeted a twat in Australia, proudly showing of his twatty new wristwear to his twat friends.

Twats on twat-playground Instagram that pre-ordered the Apple watch have been taking twatty pictures of themselves unboxing the twatty new technology, designed especially for twats.

Twattily using loads of hashtags to alert as many Instagram users as possible that they’re a massive twat with the technology to prove it, many twats opted for the particularly twatty #nofilter hashtag to tag selfies of them wearing the watch. This is twat shorthand for ‘I like, don’t need a flattering filter to make me good looking’ thus proving that they are twats.

A twat in the UK posted a picture of his arm showing the watch, a ‘casually placed’ expensive laptop in the background and an Armani cufflink on his twatty purple shirt. Other users snapped their watch synching with their I-Phone, as if this would somehow compensate for them being a twat, and some twat of a footballer even got invited to the Apple store to be personally shown how to set up the twatty piece of arm equipment.

23 delusional twats in Sydney, Australia spent several hours of their twatty lives that they’re never going to get back, fruitlessly queuing outside the Apple store to buy one. Unfortunately for these wannabe twats, the true twats tweeting twattily about their pre-ordered Twat-watches are going to have the last laugh. Twattily, probably.

Tractor Driving Dog ‘Strong Contender’ For Top Gear

Rumours that Jeremy Clarkson could be replaced by a tractor driving dog named Don were confirmed this afternoon. Kim Shillinglaw, who has the job of replacing Clarkson after he was controversially fired for attacking a crew member, has suggested that Don the Sheepdog is a ‘strong contender’ for the vacant position on the popular motoring show ‘Top Gear’.

Don, who took control of a tractor and drove it onto a motorway after being left in the passenger seat, was said to be ‘delighted’ at the news he was in the running for the role, and ran around howling with joy, before licking his balls for half an hour, and digging up his smelliest bone in celebration.

His owner, a farmer from Scotland, said that Don was a very clever dog, had won many ploughing competitions and can pull wheelies in most farm vehicles. He claimed that his dog would probably lap The Stig in a Vauxhall Astra. But he warned that Don would be unavailable for filming during lambing season, due to his important role as tractor co-pilot.

“This is exactly the sort of daft bollocks we need more of on the show,” said a producer.

“Never mind people that are funny and can talk about cars, especially if they’re women. Don’s a red-blooded male who’d hump your leg soon as look at it, and he knows a thing or two about driving. What he did today was amazing. We’re thinking of adding a new feature to the show called ‘Dog On A Motorway’, where we put dogs behind the wheels of various vehicles and plow them down the embankment,”

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Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts