Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

A leaked email from Atos to Prime Minster David Cameron describes British foxes as “scrounging little furry gits” and “thieving hippies”, and details plans to put them on a compulsory back to work scheme in the “outdoor entertainment industry”.

Foxes will be offered employment in several industries including childcare, retail and ambulance driving. The compulsory hunting scheme will only be enforced if they do not fill in and return the paperwork issued to them in a reasonable amount of time, and attend a Work Capability Assessment at their nearest town or city.

The E-mail concluded by proposing that the scheme could be extended to other wildlife such as the brown hare, which could be offered seasonal posts in supermarkets and cafes, or on a local a dog track. The greater horseshoe bat, currently a protected species in the UK would make an “ideal night watchman or bakery supervisor”, and it was also suggested that hedgehogs could be used to serve cocktail sausages at Tory functions, or risk having their benefits sanctioned and being used as bowling balls by drunken Eton boys on a weekend in the country.

The current law, which protects foxes from both hunting and Atos, was described as “archaic” and “out of touch”.  TV personality Basil Brush reacted to the news by issuing a statement that said:

“Bloody typical, smug, barbaric, bloodthirsty bastards. And that’s swearing. Boom boom!”

Disgusting Worm ‘Just Wants To Give You A Hug’

The mysterious pink worm that appears to vomit up wriggling tentacles onto a hand in a viral video “just wants to give you a cuddle” according to scientists.

“They’re very affectionate animals,” said doctor Brian Wriggleworth, a worm expert.

“The worm in the video was clearly just trying to give a heartfelt hug to whoever was holding it. Ejaculating its wriggling guts onto you is a sign of high esteem in the Ribbon Worm world,”

Ribbon worms are becoming more popular as pets, since Paris Hilton adopted one after her beloved dog passed away.

“They make ideal pets, and can be trained to fetch tiny objects such as thimbles & matches,”

Your Dog Loves You A Super Creepy Amount

A recent study suggests that dogs love their owners in a way that would be “super creepy” if they were humans.

Dolly, a King Charles spaniel from Milton Keynes said:

“I love my owner Susan so much, I literally want to be surgically grafted onto her back, so that I can lick her ice-creams over her shoulder. Nothing short of a full, medical operation to turn us into Siamese Twins will ever sate the ocean of obsessive love I feel for Susan,”

Rocky, a 4 year old Staffy from Cardiff said:

“I lick my owner Brian’s arm every day, because ingesting his dead skin cells and salt from his beautiful arm makes me feel closer to him. The only reason I have not dragged his girlfriend in front of a bus, is because I just can’t bear to see him upset,”

91% of dogs said that had scrolled through their owner’s ‘phones to see who they had been talking to. 57% had considered secretly bumping off other pets or partners in a fit of jealousy, and 33% admitted that their favourite song was the ballad “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith, as it reminded them of the night their owner fell asleep on the sofa, and they just stared at them the entire time they were sleeping.

Taiwanese Dog Wins Rory McGrath Lookalike Competition

A dog from Taiwan has won the twenty-third international Rory McGrath lookalike competition.

The dog’s owner said:

“We are thrilled to have won. My dog has no idea that he resembles the 57 year old British comedian Rory McGrath, and even if he did understand, he probably wouldn’t care. But I am deeply honoured to accept the award on my dog’s behalf, and I have renamed him Rory and bought him a bone. He still has no idea what’s going on,”

The dog’s owner was unaware of the uncanny resemblance when she had its hair cut into the trendy ‘bubble’ shape, popular with fashionable pooches in Taiwan. A British tourist wanted her picture taken with the dog, who claimed that the dog reminded her of somebody off the telly, but she couldn’t think who.

“Everywhere I went, people were pointing at the dog and shouting ‘That dog reminds me of someone…beard…curly hair….on the telly….tip of me tongue…’ and things like that. So when I got home, I Googled British people with curly hair that are on TV, and immediately spotted Rory McGrath. After I’d finished laughing, I noticed that there was a competition. So I flew to the UK and entered Prince. He won the competition, and we are flying back today with a large ham, a case of ale, some Marks and Spencer’s vouchers and a signed photograph of Rory McGrath,”

Tractor Driving Dog ‘Strong Contender’ For Top Gear

Rumours that Jeremy Clarkson could be replaced by a tractor driving dog named Don were confirmed this afternoon. Kim Shillinglaw, who has the job of replacing Clarkson after he was controversially fired for attacking a crew member, has suggested that Don the Sheepdog is a ‘strong contender’ for the vacant position on the popular motoring show ‘Top Gear’.

Don, who took control of a tractor and drove it onto a motorway after being left in the passenger seat, was said to be ‘delighted’ at the news he was in the running for the role, and ran around howling with joy, before licking his balls for half an hour, and digging up his smelliest bone in celebration.

His owner, a farmer from Scotland, said that Don was a very clever dog, had won many ploughing competitions and can pull wheelies in most farm vehicles. He claimed that his dog would probably lap The Stig in a Vauxhall Astra. But he warned that Don would be unavailable for filming during lambing season, due to his important role as tractor co-pilot.

“This is exactly the sort of daft bollocks we need more of on the show,” said a producer.

“Never mind people that are funny and can talk about cars, especially if they’re women. Don’s a red-blooded male who’d hump your leg soon as look at it, and he knows a thing or two about driving. What he did today was amazing. We’re thinking of adding a new feature to the show called ‘Dog On A Motorway’, where we put dogs behind the wheels of various vehicles and plow them down the embankment,”

Sea Monkey Company Admits To Lying About Crowns

The company that produced ‘Sea Monkey’ products has finally admitted to lying about them wearing little crowns, and being a super-civilised species of undersea monkey.

The lurid Sea Monkey packaging and advertising was deemed grossly misleading by a court ruling yesterday. The judge recalled his own childhood during proceedings, noting that he too had been fooled into expecting a tank full of raspberry-pink, smiling, waving, slightly sexy humanoids with crowns on their heads, expecting to feel like the emperor of a tiny, mystical undersea kingdom for at least a week, instead of some watching some rubbish, sludge-coloured shrimps die over the course of 48 hours.

A statement issued by the manufacturers said:

“We have mis-led an entire generation of children, by leading them to believe that shrimps can somehow sit around smiling as if they’re on a Page 3 calendar. They are not monkeys, and monkeys can’t live under the sea. We just wanted to flog some crustacean eggs & got a bit carried away.

“We also say they are ‘time travellers’ on our official website, and this is also bollocks. They’re just hibernating. Otherwise bears would be time travellers as well, which they aren’t,”

The manufacturers did point out that they have addressed customer complaints that the creatures died almost immediately. They claim to have engineered a new hybrid of Sea Monkey, that is more hardy & can survive longer in captivity.

“They’re really cool. They ride around on tiny undersea motorbikes, and some of them can rap,”

Dogs Depressed About Missing Testicles

Up to 50% of male dogs sometimes get a bit upset about having no balls, a new study has shown.

When questioned, 21% of dogs said yes, now that you come to mention it, I do miss my balls. 9% felt sad about it from time to time, but both sticks and the smell of bacon cheered them up, and a staggering 40% believe that they could have prevented being neutered by being a ‘good boy’.

20% of dogs admitted to mildly missing them “when they had a bit of a lick and a grunt about down there, and remembered that they were missing”.

7 year old Shep from Worksop said:

“I used to have a magnificent pair of balls. I’m brown and white, so one of them was nearly all white and one was nearly all brown. They were amazing.

“I wasn’t any trouble when I had a big old pair of giggleberrys. In fact, I was full of life, vitality and everything you see in the Pedigree Chum adverts. Then one day I went for a ride in the car, met a nice man with a stethoscope around his neck and woke up wearing the Cone of Shame. I’ve been a bit depressed about it to be honest. In between being ridiculous happy because I found a stick, and overjoyed to the point of spontaneous combustion when my owner comes home from work.

“I sometimes sit there staring into space, thinking about my balls. I wonder where they are now, and if they’re happy. Then my owner asks me if I’m a good boy. I think to myself, if that’s what you do to good boys, what on earth do you do to naughty ones?”

Badger Baiter Badgered By Belligerent Badger Boar

A lifelong member of the Barnsley Brotherhood of Badger Baiters has been badgered by an angry badger, on his way home from a briefing on Brockbait road in Badgergate.

Brian Bajour, 44 described the badger as a “Bloody belligerent, a big boar badger with great big balls,”

A Badgerfit of the badger that bothered Brian Bajour on Brockbait road in Badgergate.

He went on to describe how it began to badger him at the beginning of Brockbait road, and continued to bother him until he reached Badger avenue.

“This badger wouldn’t bugger off. I was beleaguered by the bothersome badger until I backed off & hoped it would bedevil some other bugger,”

Any residents of Badgergate badgered by bothersome badger boars are urged to call Badgerstoppers, or speak to anyone wearing a BadgerWatch Badge.

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Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

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