Your Dog Loves You A Super Creepy Amount

A recent study suggests that dogs love their owners in a way that would be “super creepy” if they were humans.

Dolly, a King Charles spaniel from Milton Keynes said:

“I love my owner Susan so much, I literally want to be surgically grafted onto her back, so that I can lick her ice-creams over her shoulder. Nothing short of a full, medical operation to turn us into Siamese Twins will ever sate the ocean of obsessive love I feel for Susan,”

Rocky, a 4 year old Staffy from Cardiff said:

“I lick my owner Brian’s arm every day, because ingesting his dead skin cells and salt from his beautiful arm makes me feel closer to him. The only reason I have not dragged his girlfriend in front of a bus, is because I just can’t bear to see him upset,”

91% of dogs said that had scrolled through their owner’s ‘phones to see who they had been talking to. 57% had considered secretly bumping off other pets or partners in a fit of jealousy, and 33% admitted that their favourite song was the ballad “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith, as it reminded them of the night their owner fell asleep on the sofa, and they just stared at them the entire time they were sleeping.

Record Number Of Bushes Trimmed On World Naked Gardening Day

‘World Naked Gardening Day’ was held yesterday, and has been declared a resounding success by green-fingered naturists.

Despite health & safety concerns, only one mishap was reported, when a woman from Buckinghamshire accidently clipped a low-hanging fruit whilst pruning with her husband.

The event has brought communities together in Stoke-on-Trent, where a whole street gathered to admire an oversized marrow.

“I didn’t even know there were so many gardeners on this street,”

Said Mrs Davies from number 74 Badger Avenue.

“If you look up and down the street now, you’ll see lots of hoes just lying about in the gardens. My husband was admiring next door’s hoe this morning. He told me the rhubarb next door is smashing. He reckons the grass is greener over there too, but I’m sure we can fix that with a can of Evergreen,”

Many old bushes got a new lease of life, with their first proper trim for many years. Some gardeners preferred a minimalist approach to pruning, but the Women’s Institute in Southport were quick to point out that while fashionable, many actually preferred a more vigorous bush, and demonstrated a selection of tastefully trimmed foliage on their Twitter account.

A pair of uphill gardeners from Brighton invited the neighbours over to view their lovely cucumbers in their back garden, and the day ended with tea, scones and a firm commitment to naked gardening in the future.

“This has been such a great day,”

Said Laura Smith, one of the couple’s neighbours.

“I’ve never really spoken to my neighbours much before. But when you see such spectacular vegetables, you can’t help but pop your head over and say hello. It’s really brought us much closer as a community. I say rock on next naked gardening day!”

‘Wasps Can Still F*** Off’ Claim Animal Lovers

Britain is famously a nation of animal lovers, and numbers of vegetarians, vegans and anti cruelty supporters are growing. But wasps can still f*** right off, according to many animal loving Brits.

Margaret Otter, who runs a sanctuary for abandoned pets, including turtles, tarantulas and lizards said;

“I’ve got a special spray that I use to kill them, and then I watch them die, and then I chop off their head with a plastic picnic knife, pop it on a cocktail stick and stand it by the gate as a warning to other wasps,”

A hunt saboteur from Hampshire said;

“I love all animals apart from wasps. If one flew near me while I was reading, I would definitely twat it with the book, even if it meant getting a bit of wasp juice on the book,”

Martin Carrot, a vegan since the 1960’s said:

“Hey come on. It’s wasps we’re talking about here, not butterflies or bees. It’s like they deliberately pick on you when you’re innocently going about your business. I wouldn’t kill or eat one, but I’ve got absolutely no sympathy for them,”

Reasons for disliking wasps varied, and included “hanging around and being annoying when you’re trying to make jam” and “building nests in the eaves of your house”. But “stinging people for no good reason,” and “well, they’re just bastards aren’t they?” were two of the most popular reasons for disliking wasps.

“I’m against animal testing,”

Said an animal rights protester in Manchester.

“But if someone poured shampoo into a wasp’s eye and made it smoke tobacco, I probably wouldn’t give a shit,”

‘Exposure’ Now Legal Tender For Photographers

A change in the law will allow photographers to pay rent on their homes & studios with ‘exposure’ instead of money. They will also be able to buy coffee, shampoo and other essentials, by mentioning to the checkout assistant that they did a big job last week for nothing, and are hoping it will bring them some paying clients.

Landlords and supermarkets are protesting this move, on the grounds that “Well what the hell am I supposed to do with ‘exposure’? I can’t pay my bills with fresh bloody air! Why can’t you just give me money like every bugger else?”

The controversial new change will allow photographers to pay for their homes and studios by doing freebies for people that want pictures of their spoiled daughter at her expensive Sweet Sixteen party, pictures of their hair-brained new business idea, or a range of merchandise they plan to sell on EBay.

The owner of an online sausage website said:

“This is a very good deal, and I can’t understand what you’re all moaning about. I own a big sausage factory, and when people see that you have photographed my famous sausages, you’ll be beating off paying clients with a mucky stick. Everybody knows that’s how it works. If you think about it, I’m actually doing you a favor by letting you photograph my sausages,”

Photographers themselves claim that they don’t really give a shit how famous your sausages are, or how many wealthy parents will be at your daughter’s swanky party that cost a grand to put on.

“The old saying went – if you pay peanuts you get monkeys,”

Said a professional photographer from Leeds.

“It used to be that if you planned to pay in imaginary benefits, good luck with your imaginary professional photographer, and the top notch professional service that you won’t be receiving. They’ll probably throw in imaginary re-touching and shoot it on a fictional Hasselblad as well,

“But with this new change in the law, I can actually pay the rent on my studio by spending the whole afternoon photographing someone’s annoying children for nothing. I can even get a free coffee in Starbucks by whipping out my portfolio and showing them all the many hours of retouching I did on some bright orange teenager whose mum told her she could be a model. This has revolutionized the field of photography, and I couldn’t be more delighted,”

A spokesperson for the National Landlords Association said:

“This is absolutely outrageous. How can anyone in their right minds hope to pay for goods and services with ‘exposure’? If we’re forced to accept the promise of future work in lieu of actual money, we’re all going to go bankrupt!”

Taiwanese Dog Wins Rory McGrath Lookalike Competition

A dog from Taiwan has won the twenty-third international Rory McGrath lookalike competition.

The dog’s owner said:

“We are thrilled to have won. My dog has no idea that he resembles the 57 year old British comedian Rory McGrath, and even if he did understand, he probably wouldn’t care. But I am deeply honoured to accept the award on my dog’s behalf, and I have renamed him Rory and bought him a bone. He still has no idea what’s going on,”

The dog’s owner was unaware of the uncanny resemblance when she had its hair cut into the trendy ‘bubble’ shape, popular with fashionable pooches in Taiwan. A British tourist wanted her picture taken with the dog, who claimed that the dog reminded her of somebody off the telly, but she couldn’t think who.

“Everywhere I went, people were pointing at the dog and shouting ‘That dog reminds me of someone…beard…curly hair….on the telly….tip of me tongue…’ and things like that. So when I got home, I Googled British people with curly hair that are on TV, and immediately spotted Rory McGrath. After I’d finished laughing, I noticed that there was a competition. So I flew to the UK and entered Prince. He won the competition, and we are flying back today with a large ham, a case of ale, some Marks and Spencer’s vouchers and a signed photograph of Rory McGrath,”

Study Shows Katie Hopkins Is Reincarnation Of 17th Century Witch Finder

A new study suggests that controversial media mouthpiece Katie Hopkins is a reincarnation of the 17th century ‘Witchfinder General’ Matthew Hopkins.

The Sun newspaper columnist is believed to be a direct descendant and true reincarnation of the 17th century vicar, responsible for a reign of terror and torture against people accused of being witches.

“The clues are all there,”

Said the scientist that carried out the study.

“It’s obvious that some evil, occult force is at work here, and that the Hopkins known as Katie is a mere vessel for the unquiet spirit of the ‘Witchfinder General’. Back in those days, the government whipped up fear about warlocks and magic, and that allowed the medieval Hopkins to make up loads of stupid shit about witches, and get away with being a gigantic bastard. They didn’t have Twitter or the Geneva Convention in those days of course, so they just tortured and murdered innocent people instead of writing nasty things in some sensationalist rag of a tabloid,”

Hopkins recently described immigrants fleeing brutal regimes as ‘cockroaches’, promoting a police investigation.

“If you look at Matthew Hopkins’s biting satire against the Puritans, all the bollocks he made up about witches, and then at Katie Hopkins’s mealy-mouthed Tweets and moany newspaper column, it’s very probable that Mathew Hopkins has returned from hell to walk amongst us once more,”

The study concluded that the only way to confirm this theory 100% would be to extract a confession by dunking Katie Hopkins in water to see if she floats.

Porn Star Outed As Ukip Candidate

“I’ll never be able to look at his wrinkly old balls bouncing back and forth in the same way again,”

The words of one former fan of veteran porn baron Johnny Rockard from Bristol, after was outed as ‘John Langley’, parliamentary candidate for Ukip.

“It just makes me feel so dirty,”

Said another fan on Twitter.

After it was revealed that porn star Jonny Rockard was in fact Ukip parliamentary candidate ‘John Langley’, a senior porn official has stated that the industry is “proud” to represent people, whatever they do in their private lives – but that Rockard’s other career might compromise his movies.

“After all, we make a living sticking things up people’s bottoms, and we’re as diverse and bisexual as they cum, so we’re not really in a position to judge anyone. Unlike Ukip, we’re accepting of everybody. We’re very disappointed in Johnny, as this is all a bit distasteful and sordid. He’s going to have to have a long, hard, throbbing think about his future in this industry,”

Popular porn actress Busty McGuire has hit out at the revelation, saying she is “disgusted” and calling for his resignation from the grot industry, saying:

“This is entirely inappropriate, and I think he should resign. Porn is truly one of the most diverse, supportive and accepting industries. We all understand what it’s like to be the targets of discrimination and hate because of who we are, and I am just appalled that somebody within our ranks has turned out to be a dirty old Ukipper,”

Apple To Release I-Wasp In Time For Summer

We didn’t even know that we needed a remote-controlled glass wasp that could fly about and sting people, as well as store your contacts and download books from Kindle. But we sure do now.

Computer brand Apple has announced plans to launch their new bionic insect iWasp in time for this year’s festivals and barbeques.

With all the intuitive functionality you’d expect from an Apple product, the iWasp is a ‘stingable computing’ smartwasp type device that flies about inflicting painful stings on other users, and licks their lollies at the park or in the garden.

Features include voice activation, a choice of buzzing sounds, a retractable stinger, refillable venom sac and a moveable head. The iWasp can eat a variety of sugary substances, but prefers melted ice creams and fruit juice stains.

This year’s festivals are certainly going to be buzzing, as thousands of pre-orders have already been placed.

An excited Apple fan from Coventry said:

“I can’t wait the get the iWasp for the Download festival. Instead of spending the whole time looking at my ‘phone and taking pictures of things and putting them on Facebook, I’m going to be ordering my iWasp to sting people in the neck, and then filming their reaction and putting it on Twitter,”

Photo from http://www.cgtrader.com/3d-models/weapon-military/armor/robot-wasp

Survey Shows British Public Chatting Shit Again

A survey from the Royal Statistical society and King’s Collage Oxford has revealed that the British public are talking out of their arses again. This is due to a combination of government ministers bullshitting like mechanical muckspreaders, the press talking even more bollocks than usual, and the belief that we’re all rather astute and political, and would never climb onto a shit-wagon if some tosspot in a Saville Row suit told us it was a shiny new Rolls Royce.

The Executive Director of the company that carried out the telephone survey said:

“Sadly, we as a nation have only slightly more of an idea about the statistics on crime, benefits and immigration, as a 14th Century professional hermit would have about the mating rituals of the coconut crab. We’re like a nation of David Camerons trying to eat a foot long hot dog with chopsticks. Some of these findings are seriously mental, and many of us have got it all worryingly arse-about-face,”

We’ve got a pretty feverish imagination when it comes to how much unprotected sex British teenagers are having. According to the public, 15% of teenage girls are up the duff by 16. If this were true, the Arcadia group aren’t ones to miss a trick, and Topshop would be doing a roaring trade in neon purple PVC maternity wear and 5 inch heels that stretch when your feet swell up. But the official figure is closer to 0.6%, meaning our teenagers are almost fifteen times more responsible than the public thinks they are, even if they do wear stupid clothes and listen to crap music.

Another major misconception is benefit fraud, with the public estimating it to be £24 in every £100. This is thought to be due to government propaganda portraying benefit recipients as a cross between Dickensian criminal Bill Sykes, and the top ten most hated guests on the Jeremy Kyle show. Or maybe they just saw loads of people on crutches that day, and deduced that some of them must be trying it on. But the official figure is just 70p in the pound.

13% of the population are recent immigrants, coming over here and taking our women and forcing us at bomb-point to eat Halal Subway sandwiches. This figure includes illegal immigrants, but it also covers people that drive taxis and work in offices and hospitals and pay taxes, the cheeky sods. Compared with the public’s estimate of 31%, we either all bumped into to the same family wedding party that day, or somebody has been painting the roses red.

Apparently our government spends more on foreign aid than it does on loads of other things. Or does it? The survey again found this to be a complete bag of dicks, and government aid does not appear in the top 3 of the countries’ expenditure, and comes in at 1.1%.

Finally, we spend 15 times more on pensions than on Jobseeker’s allowance.

“But try telling that to some Daily Mail-reading old dear sitting at home, rationing her Smart Price digestives,”

Said the Executive Director.

“Anybody would think we’d been deliberately mis-led,”

Sea Monkey Company Admits To Lying About Crowns

The company that produced ‘Sea Monkey’ products has finally admitted to lying about them wearing little crowns, and being a super-civilised species of undersea monkey.

The lurid Sea Monkey packaging and advertising was deemed grossly misleading by a court ruling yesterday. The judge recalled his own childhood during proceedings, noting that he too had been fooled into expecting a tank full of raspberry-pink, smiling, waving, slightly sexy humanoids with crowns on their heads, expecting to feel like the emperor of a tiny, mystical undersea kingdom for at least a week, instead of some watching some rubbish, sludge-coloured shrimps die over the course of 48 hours.

A statement issued by the manufacturers said:

“We have mis-led an entire generation of children, by leading them to believe that shrimps can somehow sit around smiling as if they’re on a Page 3 calendar. They are not monkeys, and monkeys can’t live under the sea. We just wanted to flog some crustacean eggs & got a bit carried away.

“We also say they are ‘time travellers’ on our official website, and this is also bollocks. They’re just hibernating. Otherwise bears would be time travellers as well, which they aren’t,”

The manufacturers did point out that they have addressed customer complaints that the creatures died almost immediately. They claim to have engineered a new hybrid of Sea Monkey, that is more hardy & can survive longer in captivity.

“They’re really cool. They ride around on tiny undersea motorbikes, and some of them can rap,”

Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

Sex To Be Replaced With Crossfit

BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

Chemtrails Are ‘Just Aeroplanes Trumping’ Claims Kylie Jenner

Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts