David Cameron’s Voodoo Doll Collection Uncovered

According to a cabinet insider, Prime Minister David Cameron has a large collection of ‘Voodoo Dolls’ in a secret room at number 10 Downing Street.

voodoo doll

The dolls were said to be crafted by Cameron himself, a well-known practitioner of the Black Arts and shape-shifting lizard.

The unnamed Cabinet member said:

“He’s got a big doll in the shape of the letters NHS. When he’s in a mood, he goes into the room, lights a black candle and jumps up and down on it. There’s a big Ouija Board inscribed in the blood of the innocent in the middle of the room, which he uses to talk to Margaret Thatcher,”

The source goes on to describe how Cameron leads a Satanic mass before every Cabinet meeting, where various ‘Voodoo dolls’ are tortured and thrown around.

“He picked up the Nigel Farage one and made it walk across the table saying “Look at me, I’m a big plonker, hahahaha!” and poured a pint of ale over its head. Then he punched the Jobseekers doll in the stomach and threw it in the bin, and ordered Ian Duncan-Smith to flush its head down the toilet later,”

It is estimated that there are around 100 occult dolls in David Cameron’s possession, embedded with pins, knives and other sharp objects. Some of the dolls have disappeared, and it is believed that they have been fed to a powerful demon named Atos.

“There are a few that he hasn’t got around to mangling yet,”

Said the source.

“But it’s only a matter of time,”

Photograph from the fabulous TV Tropes website.

BBC ‘Definitely Not’ Murdering Celebrities And Journalists

The BBC have issued a public service announcement, to reassure viewers that they are not systematically culling presenters and journalists that put them in a sticky spot over allegations of child abuse and corruption. This is the statement in full.

bbc symbol

“This is a public service announcement by the BBC. Please do not be alarmed at the alarming rate that celebrities, TV presenters and journalists are being downgraded or dying in mysterious circumstances. It is all merely a coincidence, and there is nothing to worry about.

Of course we’re not demoting or forcing out the whistleblowers that exposed the whole scandal, that doesn’t actually exist because it’s not true. This is the BBC, not the CIA. You’ll be accusing us of knocking off Tupac next. It’s all very silly.

The deaths of meddling busybody Jill Dando was down to a nut-nut, and it could happen to anyone, so make sure you don’t answer the door to strangers.

The daughter of right-on celebrity mouthpiece Peaches Geldof, that coincidentally started Tweeting the names of child abusers was down to drugs, and everybody knows you die from drugs if you take drugs.

Unpredictable comedian and family man Rik Mayall, who worked alongside many celebs suspected of involvement with the completely fiction paedophile ring operating at the highest levels of government and the media, died unexpectedly of a dodgy ticker, and that’s all there is to it.

We’re doing a new series of The Great British Bake-Off soon, featuring anyone still standing after Operation Yewtree is all cleared up, with celebrity host Cliff Richard, so stay tuned for that. And remember, we know where you live because we’ve got special listening vans, so best not chit-chat too much about this whole nasty business near your TV, because you never know if they’re listening,”

‘World Of The Weird, With Alan Moore’s Beard’ To Begin Filming In September

The unkempt beard of ‘V For Vendetta’ writer Alan Moore is to star in its own TV show on Channel 4.  The programme is thought to be based on “Alfred Hitchcock Presents”, and is said feature the beard sitting in a leather arm chair by a roaring fire, or striding purposefully through Highgate cemetery in a Barbour jacket and wellington boots.

The beard often sleeps through interviews and book signings.

The beard often sleeps through interviews and book signings.

Normally shunning interviews and often sleeping or meditating through radio and TV presentations, the beard made the decision to collaborate with Channel 4 with the full support of Alan Moore, for a one-off series of short films about the occult.

The comic book author recently admitted that he couldn’t have created many of his popular books without the help of his faithful chin warmer.

The author credited the hairy masterpiece with much of the inspiration for, and editing of his novel ‘Voice Of The Fire’, as well as several of his best loved comic books.

“I brought the beard to life with a Chaos magic ritual in the early 1970’s,”

Moore explained.

“I’d already tried it with one of my eyebrows, but something went wrong and it kept trying to write Jeffery Archer fan fiction, so I had to banish its pathetic essence into a vessel of brass and start again. I used a combination of Solomonic and Enochian magic to awaken and control it, and then I fed it on raw mandrake and wormwood, until it was strong enough to become my assistant. We’ve had an ideal working relationship ever since. I would sometimes fall asleep at my typewriter, and when I woke up, the beard would have corrected all of my spelling mistakes and brainstormed the next chapter for me,”

‘World Of The Weird, With Alan Moore’s Beard’ is due to begin filming this September.