Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

London Mayor Boris Johnson has approved an order for three million ‘Scorpion Bombs’ for the Metropolitan Police.

Originally a medieval weapon of war, each rustic clay pot houses up to twelve extremely pissed off scorpions with massive stingers. Once launched, the sealed pots break on the ground and release the annoyed arachnids. Stings are not usually fatal, but they hurt like buggary,

The Met Commissioner has promised that the unusual weapons will be “rarely used, and mostly on homeless people,” adding that the Police might deter protestors by “Ostentatiously shaking the pots to make the scorpions more angry,”

“And scorpions sort of creep people out,” he added, visibly shuddering. “They’re all skittery and weird. Hippies and people like that are becoming hardened to water cannons. But I defy even the most hardcore beardy-weirdy to not run off going “Oh my God, what the hell is that?” when a 6 inch hissing scorpion with a massive cob-on lands on their filthy sandals,”

Animal rights groups are concerned that using live animals against the public is both cruel and unethical. But a Met spokesman has issued a statement describing scorpions as “Total gits, that will sting you as soon as look at you,” and promising that they will only be used on “Poor people that are in the way,” within the City of London.

Photo from the Daily Fail

British Public Remind Prime Minister That He Works For Them

The British public has issued a statement to Prime Minister David Cameron, telling him to take his feet off the desk and stop swanning around like he owns the bloody place.

“We can’t fire you, but we’re watching you, you ham-faced little turdbag,”

Said the statement. It goes on to detail how the Prime Minister is traditionally a “keystone of the Cabinet arch’ and ‘a sun around which planets revolve’ rather than a swirling abyss of privileged smuggery that would murder its own constituents with a lump hammer if there was a quid in it for him.

The statement, which includes a great deal of colorful language and vulgar imagery involving goats, witchcraft and Jimmy Saville, ends with a surprisingly civilized reminder that the Prime Minister works for the people, not the other way around. Downing Street have declined to comment on the statement.

Somebody Wrote Fuck On A Statue

Readers of a sensitive disposition may want to sit down before scrolling through the rest of this story.

Somebody has written the ‘F’ word on a war memorial in London, it has been reported.

The shocking incident has left police and protesters badly shaken.

Prime Minister David Cameron said:

“We were just about to announce that we’d rigged the election, when we got the news that somebody had spray painted a rude word onto a war memorial. Obviously this changes everything,”

The protestors are demonstrating against austerity measures, which include cutting £12 billion from welfare expenditure. Because the last thing that poor people need is more money.

“It makes me ashamed to be an anti-austerity protester,”

Said one protester that did not want to be identified. “I think we should have a minutes silence every single day for a year, as a mark of respect for the fact that somebody has written fuck on a statue. I’m only glad they didn’t draw a cock on it as well,”

Ryanair Passengers Handed Sheets Of Sandpaper & Told To Shut Up

Passengers on board a Ryanair flight to London from Spain were handed sheets of coarsely graded sandpaper en route to the lavatory, and told to “shut up” and “stop your whining” by stewards.

It is understood that the three-hour flight was deliberately made without refilling the toilet tissue dispensers, in an effort to keep ticket prices low.

A spokesperson for Ryanair said in a statement:

“We planned to introduce a pay-per-poo charge in the aircraft lavatories, but this proved unpopular with passengers. When we tried to sell them toilet paper at £1.50 per sheet, passengers simply brought their own, or used the back pages of ’50 Shades Of Grey’. We had no alternative but to ban kitten-soft from the aircraft completely, and issue passengers with sheets of abrasive sanding material instead. The last thing we want is anyone enjoying a relaxing poo in-flight, without paying for it as an optional extra,”

Pensioner Sydney Biscuit, who regularly enjoys relaxing 40 minute dumps on Ryanair flights when he visits family in Milton Keynes said:

“They ought to string’em up and throw away the key! My poor old balloon knot feels like a chewed orange now. I can’t believe I died in the war for this kind of treatment,”

“Disgusting,” said his wife Edna Biscuit. “I’m not sure who to blame for this, but it was probably Katie Hopkins, the dirty bitch. They’ll be making us squat over a gaping hole in the floor next, with a little man dressed as Satan slapping you in the face if you take more than five minutes,”

“What an excellent idea,”

Said the Ryanair spokesperson.

“Let me just make a note of that,”

Are You Beach Body Ready?

You’ve read the adverts, you’ve seen the infomercials, and now you too can be ‘Beach Body Ready’ with a military issue body bag!

Objectors to the new trend say it’s “morbid” and “creepy” and “restrictive”. But we say going on holiday is about what total strangers think of your ass, rather than enjoying yourself and having fun.

As we all know, beaches are not allowed to be fun unless you look like a fitness model. So volleyball, paddling, swimming and sunbathing are holiday no-nos for you I’m afraid. Somebody might look at your butt, and then where will we be? In hell, that’s where. And it will be all your fault for having an ordinary butt.

Instead of walking about or swimming on the beach in a bikini or swimsuit, you simply zip yourself into the bag and pretend to be a corpse for the duration of your holiday. As you can see from the photo, you won’t miss out on your holiday Pina Colada – simply unzip the bag and quickly take a drink while no-one is looking. You could even get one of those big long bendy straws and feed it through a tiny hole in the zip. Just take care to remain motionless, or somebody might call the paramedics.

This radical new beachwear solves all of your completely out-of-proportion body woes in one wipe-clean swish of a zip, and doubles as a dry cleaning bag when you get home.

Crafty gals can cut slits in the bottom of the bag, so that they can walk about in the dead of night without disturbing anyone’s holiday by not looking like Christy Turlington.

Black is an incredibly slimming colour, and we’re sure you’ll love hiding your awful, terrible, imperfect body away by pretending to be dead during your holiday.

The 100% opaque outer casing of the bag deflects the sun’s harmful UV rays, so there is no need to wear sun lotion. How liberating is that? And you’ll sweat so much inside the plastic bag that you will lose up to ten pounds over the course of a week. Imagine that – going on holiday and coming back a whole ten pounds lighter! You can enjoy all of these benefits and more by simply zipping up and lying down. We bet you’re really looking forward to your week in the sun now.

Fulham Sinkhole Confirmed As Mouth Of Hades

The three foot wide crevice that opened up in front of a café on a Fulham street, swallowing several members of the public, has been confirmed as the mythical ‘Mouth Of Hades’ or entrance to the Underworld.

Experts from the British Museum have confirmed that this is not the Christian ‘Hell’, so there is no danger of explosions, lava, fire or escaping imps roaming the streets of Fulham and affecting house prices.

“This is a more classical abode of the dead, and therefore rather more misty and gloomy. It existed long before the idea of heaven and hell, and even before London, which as we know is very old. This particular hole is located above the Fields of Asphodel, which is a sort of afterlife version of Stoke-on-Trent,”

Said the expert, adding that the hole is unlikely to be dangerous, but that anyone who fell all the way down it would be forbidden by the ancient god of death Hades himself from leaving.

The council have cordoned off the area, and are expected to fill it in with gravel over the weekend. The public are being discouraged from offering sacrifices to the hole, and from pushing each other towards it as a dare.

Rent Expenses MP’s ‘Sent To Hippy Commune’

The forty-six MPs that claimed expenses on rent and hotels, despite having tax payer funded homes in London, are to be sent to a commune & forced to sleep in bunk beds.

MPs wil be greeted by the farm’s ‘Chicken of Judgment’, which will determine their duties during their stay.

Channel 4 news discovered that many MPs were letting out their second homes, and claiming up £20000 a year for rent, or £150 a night for hotels.

The Watchdog for MPs expenses said in a statement:

“Right! That’s it! We’re sending them all to a place called “Happy Home Farm” in the Cotswolds for a month. They can bloody well get up at dawn to feed the chickens after sleeping in uncomfortable bunk beds in draughty yurts, shovel some muck about and spend some time meditating on the nature of ‘Taking The Piss’ when it comes to tax payers money,”

The farm, a commune since 1997, houses many protesters and off-grid travellers, who spend much of their time working and living communally, farming and creating organic vegan knitwear for sale in Selfridges.

“This is fantastic news,”

Said a spokesperson for the commune named Frog.

“They’ll have to pull their weight though. We’ve got lots of lovely organic shit to shovel onto the potato field, and a new drystone wall to build, and we could really use 46 pairs of extra hands right now. We’ve got some spare yurts, and they can always bunk up in the cow shed if there isn’t enough room. We’ll feed them of course, but they’ll have to hurry up and finish all their jobs on time, or there’ll be nothing left,”

None of the MPs available for comment were satisfied with the decision. One unnamed MP was in floods of tears, as he has a phobia of cows and doesn’t want to “sleep in a lumpy bunk bed with a load of smelly hippies”

Frog added:

They’ll all be made very welcome in our 21st century commune, and we hope they’ll enjoy the experience and learn a little about the experience of sharing, and of helping your fellow humans. Apart from the one that said we were smelly hippies. I’ve got a special job for him, and it definitely involves a silage tank.

Unexploded Katie Hopkins Found In Central London

An army bomb disposal squad was today trying to remove an unexploded former ‘Apprentice’ candidate with a face like a slapped arse and three miserable kids, from a building in Central London.

Speaking on LBC live, Boris Johnson said:

“We can’t take any risks with the thing. We’re going to cart it off to Kent and blow it up,”

The reality TV star, who was discovered in the basement of a building in the Tower Bridge area of London, was in “significant danger” of exploding, said disposal experts.

A spokesperson for the London Fire Brigade said:

“This is a densely populated area, and there is a diverse mixture of people living and working here. If detonated, the Katie Hopkins could launch into a demonic tirade about absolutely anybody.

The evacuation zone around Katie Hopkins is home to more than 1200 people. A local resident, who has been forced to sleep in a community centre said:

“I’m not allowed to go home until the malignant old relic has been disposed of. I hope they hurry up and explode the terrible artefact, before it breeds or goes on This Morning again,”

Trees To Give Off Wifi

Plans to re-plant areas of London previously cleared of trees, so that twats can sit in the sunshine listing to their I-Pods are already going ahead, after a new invention that allows trees to boost Wifi and mobile telephone signal was tested in the UK.

“Do twats give off a WiFi signal? No they don’t. You don’t get seven or eight tourists crowding around a twat, waving their Samsung Apple Thingymajig about and looking distraught. They’re a complete waste of space and a drain on the environment,”

Said an environmental technology expert.

The technology to enable trees to boost WiFi signals, which will be implanted into all UK tree seeds from 2018, will turn each tree into a sort of aerial for mobile technology. The company that developed the technology said:

“Trees are really the lungs of the planet, as well as being a vital part of the ecosystem of well, everywhere, from a back garden to a vast rainforest. But people keep cutting them down and setting fire to them. Or worse, turning them into those horrible, basic LACK tables from IKEA that cost seven quid. Nobody treats trees with any respect. But they totally would if they gave off WiFi.

‘Vintage Food Tourette’s’ Causes Disruptions On Tube

A new strain of “Tourette’s-like” virus is causing severe delays on the London Underground. The virus causes the symptoms of a bit of a cold, and an intense desire to shout out the names of terrifying vintage food recipes from 1942 to 1978.

“It’s been hell these last few days. BANNANAS IN ASPIC!” admits a North London mother of two that did not wish to be named.

The delays on the tube are due to passengers not suffering from the virus refusing to sit near those infected. This has led to crowded platforms and empty carriages on all lines. Although there have been no serious injuries so far, a man from Hoxton got his foot run over with a suitcase, after a young family fled into a different carriage, after being ordered to mash a tin of hot dogs with pineapple chunks and set the mixture in savoury jelly.

A regular traveller on the tube that is currently under the weather said:

“I won’t even be thinking about grinding up a pig’s lung and decorating it with sliced apple, and all of a sudden LIVER SAUSAGE DELIGHT, sorry, the name of an appalling recipe from the 1950’s will just pop out. SPAM SALAD LOAF!”

“SNOWY CHICKEN CONFETTI SALAD! EAT IT! IT LOOKS LIKE SICK!” Nodded another passenger sadly, before stuffing a spare pair of tights into her mouth to prevent further outbursts during the short journey from Camden to King’s Cross.

Although it’s a harmless condition, being aggressively ordered to eat ‘Cauliflower Fish Balls’ and arrange hot dogs in the shape of a pentagram can be upsetting, and trigger disturbing memories in older passengers.

“I wasn’t allowed to go out and play until I had finished my trotters with lime jelly salad. I don’t want to re-live those days,” said a pensioner that had moved seats four times in one journey, despite needing a hip replacement. As the tube reached High Barnet, the passengers not suffering from the condition were all crowded into one carriage, with at least seven sufferers banging on the connecting door and raving about pickled Spam.

One terrified passenger leaned over and whispered

“It’s like Day Of The Dead, but with canned sausages instead of brains,”

Photo credits.

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