Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

The Home Secretary Theresa May has proposed that flesh and blood police officers directly affected by budget cuts, can be “supplemented and supported” by an army of cardboard cut outs of Dixson of Dock Green, with a mechanical swinging truncheon.

The pilot scheme, which saw life-sized cardboard coppers in the corners of shops to prevent shoplifting, has rendered actual police officers “almost obsolete”, according to people that aren’t currently cops, criminals or victims of crime.

The ‘PaperBobs’ as the media will be instructed to call the cardboard officers, to ensure that they sound friendly and reassuring, will patrol neighbourhoods on special caterpillar tracks at approximately 4mph. Pre-loaded with a variety of helpful phrases such as “ello ello ello” and “I hope you young scamps aren’t up to mischief”, they will be a “reassuring presence” and a “strong deterrent” to criminals, according to the Home Secretary.

The new scheme will “allow us to go further and tick more boxes, as once cannot fill in mountains of paperwork when one is climbing over the wall of a squat in pursuit of a violent drug dealer with a machete. It is perfectly possible to make savings without compromising the quality of neighbourhood policing. But only if all new recruits are made of cardboard and simply trundle about saying ‘evening all’ to old ladies,”

Somebody Wrote Fuck On A Statue

Readers of a sensitive disposition may want to sit down before scrolling through the rest of this story.

Somebody has written the ‘F’ word on a war memorial in London, it has been reported.

The shocking incident has left police and protesters badly shaken.

Prime Minister David Cameron said:

“We were just about to announce that we’d rigged the election, when we got the news that somebody had spray painted a rude word onto a war memorial. Obviously this changes everything,”

The protestors are demonstrating against austerity measures, which include cutting £12 billion from welfare expenditure. Because the last thing that poor people need is more money.

“It makes me ashamed to be an anti-austerity protester,”

Said one protester that did not want to be identified. “I think we should have a minutes silence every single day for a year, as a mark of respect for the fact that somebody has written fuck on a statue. I’m only glad they didn’t draw a cock on it as well,”

Tractor Driving Dog ‘Strong Contender’ For Top Gear

Rumours that Jeremy Clarkson could be replaced by a tractor driving dog named Don were confirmed this afternoon. Kim Shillinglaw, who has the job of replacing Clarkson after he was controversially fired for attacking a crew member, has suggested that Don the Sheepdog is a ‘strong contender’ for the vacant position on the popular motoring show ‘Top Gear’.

Don, who took control of a tractor and drove it onto a motorway after being left in the passenger seat, was said to be ‘delighted’ at the news he was in the running for the role, and ran around howling with joy, before licking his balls for half an hour, and digging up his smelliest bone in celebration.

His owner, a farmer from Scotland, said that Don was a very clever dog, had won many ploughing competitions and can pull wheelies in most farm vehicles. He claimed that his dog would probably lap The Stig in a Vauxhall Astra. But he warned that Don would be unavailable for filming during lambing season, due to his important role as tractor co-pilot.

“This is exactly the sort of daft bollocks we need more of on the show,” said a producer.

“Never mind people that are funny and can talk about cars, especially if they’re women. Don’s a red-blooded male who’d hump your leg soon as look at it, and he knows a thing or two about driving. What he did today was amazing. We’re thinking of adding a new feature to the show called ‘Dog On A Motorway’, where we put dogs behind the wheels of various vehicles and plow them down the embankment,”

Spanish Government Unveil Brutal Hologram ‘Protest Police Squad’

The Spanish Government have unveiled their special task force of holographic, armed police officers to deal with future holographic protests, like the one held in front of parliament in Madrid.

A shot of the new holographic police squad, kicking shit through a peaceful activist for his own safety.

The ‘Citizen Safety Police’ will be entirely holographic, and armed with batons, tazers, handcuffs and mace. There will also be highly trained holographic police dogs, horses composed entirely of light, and two completely theoretical tanks authorised to fire on citizens, if it is deemed that they are endangering themselves.

Under Spain’s new ‘Gag Law’ or ‘Citizen Safety Law’ peacefully protesting outside a government building about, for example, a law that prevents citizens from peacefully protesting outside government buildings would be illegal.

A spokesperson for the Spanish Government said:

“You may think you’re very clever, projecting holograms onto a public building, avoiding being arrested and making us all look like pinche idiota. But next time, we will have tanks, dogs and holographic tazers. And we will round you all up, and put you in Hologram Prison!”

Homeless To Avoid Police Brutality By ‘Beating Selves Up First’

Homeless and transient persons are to be instructed on avoiding the tragic consequences of resisting arrest by the LAPD, by beating themselves senseless with their own fists first.

“It’s a swift and simple procedure that any transient or homeless person, even those with severe mental illness or the physically frail can follow,”

Said an LAPD spokesman.

“What you’ve got to remember, is that there are only two to four Police officers with guns, batons and training to every one homeless person acting suspiciously and not doing as they’re told. It’s a great inconvenience for multiple officers to have to beat the shit out of, shoot and Taser one uppetty and unarmed vagrant. If we all work together on this, officers can spend less time breaking the arms of tramps for not moving their meagre possessions to another destination, and more time hassling black teenagers that are minding their own business,”

The scheme, the first of its kind in the US, will see teams of police officers head out to the streets, to show the homeless how to respond when approached by an officer. It is expected to cut fatalities in half, as vagrants will be instructed to brutally punch themselves in the face three times and lie face down on the floor as soon as they see a police officer approach them.

“This is an exciting initiative, which will involve the whole community. If this takes off, we could see a huge drop in police brutality,”

Said the spokesperson.

“By 2016 we could even be getting ethnic minorities to hassle each other, leaving us more time to eat donuts and deal with rich-people crime,”

Police Warning: Dangerous Boris Johnson Ecstasy

Police have issued a warning to drug users, following the circulation of a batch of so-called ‘Boris Johnson ecstasy’ which has been linked to recent deaths.

Police forces across the country are advising drug users of the dangers of ‘Popping a Boris’, especially users that are likely to ingest more than one Boris at a time.

“Multiple Boris’s can be especially dangerous,” said a top London drug coordinator. There have been several deaths linked with drug users taking up to seven Boris’s in one night.

“Provisional forensic tests on the drug indicate that the tablets that led to the deaths contained a particularly dangerous and harmful ingredient known as A.R.S.E, known by its street name Arse. Arse is highly addictive, and it is not unknown for regular users of Arse to become withdrawn and moody. Too much Arse results in an overdose, known as an Arseflop. The Boris Johnsons on the street right now are thought to contain over three times the recommended dosage of Arse.

Anyone with any information about the contaminated batch can call Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111.

 

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