The Stig Will Not Be Released Into The Wild

Following the departure of presenters James May and Richard Hammond, the producers of ‘Top Gear’ recommended that that ‘The Stig’ should be released back into the wild. But this has raised objections from experts, who believe that a purpose built, secure sanctuary should house the anonymous racing driver, suggesting the town of Milton Keynes as a possible site.

Fake Stig

The BBC claim that the driver cannot quit the show like the other presenters, as he was bought from a luxury racing driver dealer in Dubai and shipped to the UK in a crate. But locals are worried that the white-suited speed fiend may cause havoc, especially if he escapes onto the roads.

“He’s afraid of bells, confused by stairs and thinks that Northerners are edible. Can you imagine something like that trying to rag around the roundabouts of Milton Keynes? What if he escaped and wandered onto the station where he might encounter somebody from Manchester with a missed connection?”

Said a local MP. A petition to house The Stig in a purpose built bunker far away from Milton Keynes has had several thousand signatures already. But the BBC maintain that it would be cruel to shut The Stig away in a concrete bunker for the rest of its natural life, and that it needs “Fresh air, a well maintained track and a selection of vehicles, not to mention a highly-trained pit crew” in order to thrive.

The BBC has denied claims that the publicity shy racing driver is
eleven small, highly trained spider-monkeys in a racing suit, but have confirmed that they are looking into building “A sort of cross between Colditz, Butlins and Hockenheimring”

No One Cares That Zayn Has Left One Direction

A 22 year old foetus that has somehow managed to grow a beard, has left a popular boy band. Fans of the band are a bit uspet, but that’s nothing compared to the staggering number of people that couldn’t give less of a shit, if they were dying of terminal constipation.

“Zayne who? That smug guy in a suit that presents RudeTube? Is he in a band now?”

Said a paramedic, who doesn’t listen to One Direction, because is is not twelve.

A 15 year old female Slipknot fan from Essex Tweeted:

“My 10 year old sister is crying. LOL.”

Radio station for music lovers Absolute Radio released this statement on Facebook, which received over 2000 likes in under an hour. People have also tagged loads of their mates in it, who also don’t care about One Direction:


The Facebook page this photo was taken from.

The people that don’t care that Zayne has left One Direction, and wouldn’t sign a petition to get him back in the band, is already threatening to eclipse the amount of people that don’t care about Jeremy Clarkson either, and just want something nice for their tea, and something good on the Telly tonight.

“Haha, they’ll have to call themselves Minus One Direction Now!”

Said a man called Bill, who was eating sausages in a café in Milton Keynes.

An old woman called Brenda at the next table added:

“One Direction…Up my arse! And that’s swearing,”

Ukip’s Only Magic Gay Penguin Resigns

The only magic gay penguin in Ukip has spectacularly quit the party.

 penguin 2

Bernard, a magic penguin from the North Pole, who has been in a same sex relationship with another penguin for over fifteen years, stepped down from his position as treasurer for the Blackpool branch of the party yesterday.

“Last night I stepped down as treasurer and gave up my membership of Ukip. I found that I couldn’t convincingly campaign for the party any more. I don’t think they even like penguins to be perfectly honest. I think they were just after my magical powers and general wobbly cuteness to attract other penguins to vote.

Bernard believes that only opposite sex penguins should be allowed to marry.

Bernard believes that only opposite sex penguins should be allowed to marry.

I’m a deeply religious penguin, so I won’t be getting married to my soul mate any time soon, even though penguins do mate for life. God doesn’t like gay penguins getting married, even if he’s cool with civil partnerships,”