Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

The Home Secretary Theresa May has proposed that flesh and blood police officers directly affected by budget cuts, can be “supplemented and supported” by an army of cardboard cut outs of Dixson of Dock Green, with a mechanical swinging truncheon.

The pilot scheme, which saw life-sized cardboard coppers in the corners of shops to prevent shoplifting, has rendered actual police officers “almost obsolete”, according to people that aren’t currently cops, criminals or victims of crime.

The ‘PaperBobs’ as the media will be instructed to call the cardboard officers, to ensure that they sound friendly and reassuring, will patrol neighbourhoods on special caterpillar tracks at approximately 4mph. Pre-loaded with a variety of helpful phrases such as “ello ello ello” and “I hope you young scamps aren’t up to mischief”, they will be a “reassuring presence” and a “strong deterrent” to criminals, according to the Home Secretary.

The new scheme will “allow us to go further and tick more boxes, as once cannot fill in mountains of paperwork when one is climbing over the wall of a squat in pursuit of a violent drug dealer with a machete. It is perfectly possible to make savings without compromising the quality of neighbourhood policing. But only if all new recruits are made of cardboard and simply trundle about saying ‘evening all’ to old ladies,”

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

A leaked email from Atos to Prime Minster David Cameron describes British foxes as “scrounging little furry gits” and “thieving hippies”, and details plans to put them on a compulsory back to work scheme in the “outdoor entertainment industry”.

Foxes will be offered employment in several industries including childcare, retail and ambulance driving. The compulsory hunting scheme will only be enforced if they do not fill in and return the paperwork issued to them in a reasonable amount of time, and attend a Work Capability Assessment at their nearest town or city.

The E-mail concluded by proposing that the scheme could be extended to other wildlife such as the brown hare, which could be offered seasonal posts in supermarkets and cafes, or on a local a dog track. The greater horseshoe bat, currently a protected species in the UK would make an “ideal night watchman or bakery supervisor”, and it was also suggested that hedgehogs could be used to serve cocktail sausages at Tory functions, or risk having their benefits sanctioned and being used as bowling balls by drunken Eton boys on a weekend in the country.

The current law, which protects foxes from both hunting and Atos, was described as “archaic” and “out of touch”.  TV personality Basil Brush reacted to the news by issuing a statement that said:

“Bloody typical, smug, barbaric, bloodthirsty bastards. And that’s swearing. Boom boom!”

Pandas Are Rubbish And Lack Ambition, Study Confirms

One of the most beloved and endangered animals in the world, the giant panda is in danger of dying out because “they’re just a bit rubbish really”, according to experts.

The giant panda is interesting to researchers for many reasons. One of the most unusual things about this animal is that its wrist bone has evolved into a rudimentary ‘thumb’, unlike most animals with paws. This gives it enormous dexterity compared with other bears and other animals.

Researchers used a computer simulation of several types to animal, to simulate what would happen if various other species of animal developed an opposable thumb. The simulation of a dolphin colony in the experiment developed their own musical instruments with shells and stones, while the domestic cats modelled in the experiment locked their owners out of the house and used the family laptop to order a kebab.

“However, when we gave the computer generated pandas larger, more powerful thumbs and greater dexterity, they simply went “Oh tar, I can pick up more bamboo now” and carried on sitting around and not having sex with each other,”

Said a researcher at a panda conservation site in China.

“While most species operate on a ‘survival of the fittest’ or at least a ‘ooh, better just watch meself a bit, might get eaten or summat’ mentality, as they struggle to feed themselves and procreate, the giant panda is simply not arsed about any of that stuff. They do occasionally eat other types of food if bamboo is not available, and they’ll get up and go for a walk, and occasionally have a shag if they can really be arsed, but apart from that, being a cute panda is their full time occupation. They’re like the Instagram Girls of the bear world,”

The development of panda Viagra and other methods that will allow pandas to procreate in greater numbers is being funded by campaigns worldwide.

“But it’s a jolly good thing they’re so bloody pretty and cute,”

Said the researcher.

“You don’t catch warthogs and blob fish sitting about looking all photogenic. They’d have gone extinct years ago if they had the same attitude as pandas,”

Jeremy Kyle ‘Still A Bellend’ Say Experts

Modern witch finder general Jeremy Kyle’s pertinent rollocking about male victims of domestic violence may be trending today, but experts are quick to point out that he remains one of Britain’s biggest bell ends.

Lord Joldemort issued the dressing-down during an episode of his popular daytime show. For readers not familiar with ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’, it’s a sort of cross between a job centre waiting room on a Wednesday afternoon in Stoke-on-Trent, and a 17th century hanging. Populated mainly by cross-eyed peasants, whose ancestors may have mated with turnips at some point during the reign of Richard the Third, the show was inspired by medieval witch trials. Unfortunately both goats and other livestock as witnesses are not allowed due to health and safety concerns, and the traditional ducking stool has been replaced with a Polygraph test.

Jeremy Vile, as the British public affectionately knows him, acts as a kind of Papa Lazarus to the orgy of sex, lies and criminal dentistry that takes place on the stage, which is built over a deconsecrated plague pit, and said to be cursed.

Although Kyle’s tirade at the audience for laughing at a domestic violence incident was justified, say experts, they are also quick to point out that this in no way detracts from him being a humungous bell end.

“One of the biggest we’ve ever seen in fact,”

Said an expert.

“It’s rare that a bell end of such epic proportions survives into middle age, as barking “PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT!” at volatile peasants after berating them for an an hour in front of a baying mob can be extremely dangerous. But this wily old wanker has not only thrived, but also managed to spawn. A magnificent specimen indeed. Britain’s biggest in fact,”

Charlotte Church Threatens To Beat Prime Minister To Death With Katie Hopkins’s Arm

Welsh songstress Charlotte Church, who recently challenged Sun columnist Katie Hopkins to a charity boxing match, has now gone proper ape-shit and threatened to pull off Katie’s arm and chase the Prime Minister around Westminster with it.

“After I challenged her to a boxing match, I had a cup of tea and fag and thought about it. And then I realised I had to at least pull one of her arms off and beat Cameron to death with the sticky end,”

Said the singer, who shot to fame as an angelic classical singer.

“So I’m going to bang her lights out and then rip her bloody arms off, the moaning old Tory troll,”

“And when I’ve finished with her, I’m going to mash that smug prick Cameron in the face with the bloody end. That’ll teach him to be a lying little spoon faced weasel-shagger,”

The match is expected to raise nine trillion pounds for charity.

‘Love, Honor And Puree’ – Woman Marries Nutribullet

A 35 year old woman from Leeds, UK has married her Nutribullet blender, after owning it for three days.

“I’ve never felt so fulfilled,”

Said the woman, after ditching her smoothie maker and juicer for the swanky ‘Magic Bullet’ blender that can pulverize carrots and even nuts.

“I’m obsessed with it. I can’t stop putting different types of food into it and turning them into pulp, and running around the house with a glass of mango and spirulina smoothie forcing people to look at the texture of it and drink it. It’s like being a crack addict, but ten times more annoying,”

The bride’s best friend said:

“If she mentions that sodding blender one more time, I’m going to stick it up her (censored). She hasn’t shut up about liquidating carrots and beetroot since she took it out of the box, which she probably liquidised with a handful of collard greens and drank. But I’m glad she’s happy,”

During the short ceremony, the happy couple promise to “love, honor and puree” and were showered with rose petals, which the Magic Bullet promptly turned into a nutritious paste that can be added to soup.

Exposure Now Legal Tender For Magicians

The law has been changed to allow magicians and performers to pay for their rent, mortgage and groceries with ‘exposure’.

Under the new legislation, magicians will be able to purchase new equipment with sausage rolls from the buffet, and all performers will get a hefty discount on their mortgages and rent by working for ‘exposure’.

Mentalist Jon Randall from London said:

“I am very much looking forward to paying my council tax with the fact that somebody from the penultimate round of Britain’s Got Talent might be in the audience. This is fantastic news,”

Under the old law, it was impossible to pay for goods and services by mentioning that you did “a really great gig last week, no pay but it’s getting my name out there innit,”

Although not all exposure is good for magicians, and some types can get you thrown out of the Magic Circle, the public are nevertheless convinced that they can help a magician’s career by not paying them.

An illusionist from Plumstead said:

“I fooled Penn & Teller you know, but people still insist that they’re helping me out by asking me to work for them for nothing. But now I can accept all of those invitations to do gigs for ‘exposure’, and still be able to afford all of those knock off Chinese magic effects I’ve always wanted. And I’ll be able to swap the sausage rolls from the buffet for a Nandos meal. This is amazing,”

Thanks to a ‘Deep Throat’ in the Magic Circle for help with this post.

Disgusting Worm ‘Just Wants To Give You A Hug’

The mysterious pink worm that appears to vomit up wriggling tentacles onto a hand in a viral video “just wants to give you a cuddle” according to scientists.

“They’re very affectionate animals,” said doctor Brian Wriggleworth, a worm expert.

“The worm in the video was clearly just trying to give a heartfelt hug to whoever was holding it. Ejaculating its wriggling guts onto you is a sign of high esteem in the Ribbon Worm world,”

Ribbon worms are becoming more popular as pets, since Paris Hilton adopted one after her beloved dog passed away.

“They make ideal pets, and can be trained to fetch tiny objects such as thimbles & matches,”

Record Number Of Bushes Trimmed On World Naked Gardening Day

‘World Naked Gardening Day’ was held yesterday, and has been declared a resounding success by green-fingered naturists.

Despite health & safety concerns, only one mishap was reported, when a woman from Buckinghamshire accidently clipped a low-hanging fruit whilst pruning with her husband.

The event has brought communities together in Stoke-on-Trent, where a whole street gathered to admire an oversized marrow.

“I didn’t even know there were so many gardeners on this street,”

Said Mrs Davies from number 74 Badger Avenue.

“If you look up and down the street now, you’ll see lots of hoes just lying about in the gardens. My husband was admiring next door’s hoe this morning. He told me the rhubarb next door is smashing. He reckons the grass is greener over there too, but I’m sure we can fix that with a can of Evergreen,”

Many old bushes got a new lease of life, with their first proper trim for many years. Some gardeners preferred a minimalist approach to pruning, but the Women’s Institute in Southport were quick to point out that while fashionable, many actually preferred a more vigorous bush, and demonstrated a selection of tastefully trimmed foliage on their Twitter account.

A pair of uphill gardeners from Brighton invited the neighbours over to view their lovely cucumbers in their back garden, and the day ended with tea, scones and a firm commitment to naked gardening in the future.

“This has been such a great day,”

Said Laura Smith, one of the couple’s neighbours.

“I’ve never really spoken to my neighbours much before. But when you see such spectacular vegetables, you can’t help but pop your head over and say hello. It’s really brought us much closer as a community. I say rock on next naked gardening day!”

Royal Baby Name Confirmed As ‘Chuck Norris’

A leaked memo from Kensington Palace suggests that the royal baby is to be named ‘Chuck Norris’.

The memo suggests that Kate is not 100% on board with the name ‘Chuck Norris’, but that William wanted to name the princess after the acclaimed movie hard-man immediately.

“The first thing she did when I met her was whack me in the face with her tiny hand. Chuck Norris is a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. And she didn’t want to come out. Chuck Norris wouldn’t stand for being born until he was ready to be born. I think it’s a cool name,”

The Prince is believed to have said. Kate appears to have wrinkled up her nose and shook her head at the suggestion. It has been tactfully suggested that the Duchess may have been under the influence of medication when she told the prince to ‘knob off’ and ‘you’re not calling my little girl Chuck Norris, that’s a stupid idea”.

The memo goes on to state that the Queen is also a Chuck Norris fan, and may be open to flexibility when it comes to the name of the princess, who is fourth in line to the throne.

Although the Queen does not officially name royal babies, it is believed that she tends to favour traditional names over more exotic choices. The princesses Beatrice and Eugenie were originally to be called Kathryn and Elizabeth, but Fergie changed her mind last minute and selected the most nouveou-riche names she could think of, just to annoy her.

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Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts