Tractor Driving Dog ‘Strong Contender’ For Top Gear

Rumours that Jeremy Clarkson could be replaced by a tractor driving dog named Don were confirmed this afternoon. Kim Shillinglaw, who has the job of replacing Clarkson after he was controversially fired for attacking a crew member, has suggested that Don the Sheepdog is a ‘strong contender’ for the vacant position on the popular motoring show ‘Top Gear’.

don tractor dog

Don, who took control of a tractor and drove it onto a motorway after being left in the passenger seat, was said to be ‘delighted’ at the news he was in the running for the role, and ran around howling with joy, before licking his balls for half an hour, and digging up his smelliest bone in celebration.

His owner, a farmer from Scotland, said that Don was a very clever dog, had won many ploughing competitions and can pull wheelies in most farm vehicles. He claimed that his dog would probably lap The Stig in a Vauxhall Astra. But he warned that Don would be unavailable for filming during lambing season, due to his important role as tractor co-pilot.

“This is exactly the sort of daft bollocks we need more of on the show,” said a producer.

“Never mind people that are funny and can talk about cars, especially if they’re women. Don’s a red-blooded male who’d hump your leg soon as look at it, and he knows a thing or two about driving. What he did today was amazing. We’re thinking of adding a new feature to the show called ‘Dog On A Motorway’, where we put dogs behind the wheels of various vehicles and plow them down the embankment,”

Obese Dashund Dennis Exerts Own Gravitational Pull

A 6 year old miniature Dashund named Dennis has been given a new lease of life, now that his body mass no longer attracts smaller obese dogs to orbit around him.

Dashund Dennis, pictured with his own moon in orbit around him.

Dashund Dennis, pictured with his own moon in orbit around him.

Dennis had been fed on junk food, and had grown so large that several smaller fat dogs were constantly rotating around his gigantic belly. As he slimmed down, the smaller chubby hounds were able to break free of his gravitational pull and lead a normal life.

“He used to go for a ‘walk’ on a trailer pulled by a tractor,”

Said his new owner.

“One day a really fat pug rose several inches from the ground and floated over to him like a ghost. Then it started to slowly rotate around his stomach like the moon does around the earth. Their leads got all tangled up, it was very embarrassing,”

More obese dogs followed, and soon Dennis was the epicentre of his own lardy dog universe.

“Dogs need to be able to run about and do gross dog things, like rolling in poo and chewing bin bags and collecting unhygienic objects like discarded underpants. He couldn’t do any of that when he was obese. He was like a sort of dog Buddha. But not a very happy one,”

Dog obesity is a growing problem and can cause health problems.

“I’d recommend you feed your dog on proper dog food, rather than pizzas and lard sandwiches. Dogs want attention, exercise & sticks, not their own laws of physics,”

‘Evil’ Crufts Owner Caught Red Handed

A woman from Cleethorpes has been disqualified from Crufts, after an official overheard her trying to blackmail a Mastiff named Murphy into going for a poo during the show.

crufts rescues

“She was showing the dog that video, where the black mongrel Libby takes a dump in the middle of the agility course and gets disqualified. She showed the video to the dog twice,”

Said the official, who has given a statement to the police.

The dog allegedly blackmailed by a jealous owner.

The dog allegedly blackmailed by a jealous owner.

“Then the woman told the Mastiff that he was a good boy, and that good boys go poopy on show day, or they get sent to the pound. She told him that he wouldn’t be a good boy any more if he didn’t, and then she produced several rashers of bacon, and fed them through the bars of the cage, while chanting ‘Good boys go poopy, bad boys go to the pound,’ and promised more bacon after the dog had shat in front of judges and officials,”

The animal’s owner maintains that Murphy would never have agreed to the terms, and was simply wagging his tail because he loves bacon.