New Lizard Announced

The Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a healthy baby lizard, Kensington palace has confirmed.

new lizard

The infant reptile, fourth in line to the throne, was hatched from a large, golden egg today, after being incubated for 9 months in a special chamber, designed to replicate the conditions of its home planet.

Royal lizard eggs require weekly human sacrifices, and these were selected from the crowds of dribbling sheeple that have been camped outside the hospital.

Hospital porter Dave Smith was one of the fortunate few to be selected for the royal lizard’s first feed. Before he went to his death, which involves his internal organs being sucked out via his eye sockets to feed the mewling, scaly infant, he told reporters how honoured he felt.

“It is truly an honour to serve my country by having my intestines slurped up like spaghetti by the royal princess. I leave behind a wife, two sons and a baby girl of my own. But this one is far more important,”

Nurses that witnessed the first royal feed said “awww, just like her Grandma” and “my my, hasn’t she got a healthy appetite?” as the remains of the porter crumpled up like an empty packet of crisps. The royal lizard is said to have doubled in size during the feed, and tried to eat the midwife.

BBC Licence Fee Replaced With Human Sacrifice

The introduction of a universal fee to replace the current TV license is expected to be backed by the BBC Director General Lord Hall.

tv article

Plans to include the sacrifice of the first born child in the family, or a one-off exemption fee of several thousand pounds have been discussed.

Households that do not own a TV or watch TV at all will still have to pay the flat rate fee, and offer up their first born son or daughter under the age of 18, for ritual sacrifice in a ‘Hunger Games’ style scenario.

“Single child families will of course be exempt from the ruling. But households of two or more children or teenagers will be obliged to hand over the eldest, for inclusion in a televised fight to the death with medieval style weaopons,”

Said Lord Hall. “There is an option to pay a one-off fee to save your precious first-born from the horror of participation in a violent TV reality show, where they may die or have to brutally murder their peers. We were considering charging an extra fee for BBC services, but this is a more creative, and I feel a fairer way to close the loophole. The children of families on low incomes will have the chance to earn their freedom by slaughtering and battering other contestants with a selection of weapons. The revenue generated by subscribers to the show will ensure funding for future high-quality programming, such as The Great British Bake-Off,”