Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

London Mayor Boris Johnson has approved an order for three million ‘Scorpion Bombs’ for the Metropolitan Police.

Originally a medieval weapon of war, each rustic clay pot houses up to twelve extremely pissed off scorpions with massive stingers. Once launched, the sealed pots break on the ground and release the annoyed arachnids. Stings are not usually fatal, but they hurt like buggary,

The Met Commissioner has promised that the unusual weapons will be “rarely used, and mostly on homeless people,” adding that the Police might deter protestors by “Ostentatiously shaking the pots to make the scorpions more angry,”

“And scorpions sort of creep people out,” he added, visibly shuddering. “They’re all skittery and weird. Hippies and people like that are becoming hardened to water cannons. But I defy even the most hardcore beardy-weirdy to not run off going “Oh my God, what the hell is that?” when a 6 inch hissing scorpion with a massive cob-on lands on their filthy sandals,”

Animal rights groups are concerned that using live animals against the public is both cruel and unethical. But a Met spokesman has issued a statement describing scorpions as “Total gits, that will sting you as soon as look at you,” and promising that they will only be used on “Poor people that are in the way,” within the City of London.

Photo from the Daily Fail

David Cameron Appoints Katie Hopkins As Minister For Spite

David Cameron has appointed Sun columnist Katie Hopkins as minster for Spite. Her duties will include closing hospital wings, thinking up new sanctions for the Job Centre and wandering around the streets of London kicking busker’s hats over.

An expert on both virulence and malevolence, Hopkins is unusual in having not served as an MP prior to her appointment. It is widely believed that she may have a ‘dossier of dirt’ on one or more members of the cabinet, possibly involving copious quantities of Swarfega and the services of an elderly goat, which the unnamed cabinet member may have drunkenly mistaken for Katie herself.

Prime Minster David Cameron said in a statement.

“It is vital that that the poor, the sick and the disabled are punished. For too long, this country has been headed out of the dark ages. I believe that Katie Hopkins is the woman to lead us into an age of bleak, dribbling backwardness the like of which has not been seen since medieval times. She may be half-goat, half Shakespearian witch and probably a secret Nazi in her spare time, but she is all Tory,”

British Public Remind Prime Minister That He Works For Them

The British public has issued a statement to Prime Minister David Cameron, telling him to take his feet off the desk and stop swanning around like he owns the bloody place.

“We can’t fire you, but we’re watching you, you ham-faced little turdbag,”

Said the statement. It goes on to detail how the Prime Minister is traditionally a “keystone of the Cabinet arch’ and ‘a sun around which planets revolve’ rather than a swirling abyss of privileged smuggery that would murder its own constituents with a lump hammer if there was a quid in it for him.

The statement, which includes a great deal of colorful language and vulgar imagery involving goats, witchcraft and Jimmy Saville, ends with a surprisingly civilized reminder that the Prime Minister works for the people, not the other way around. Downing Street have declined to comment on the statement.

Somebody Wrote Fuck On A Statue

Readers of a sensitive disposition may want to sit down before scrolling through the rest of this story.

Somebody has written the ‘F’ word on a war memorial in London, it has been reported.

The shocking incident has left police and protesters badly shaken.

Prime Minister David Cameron said:

“We were just about to announce that we’d rigged the election, when we got the news that somebody had spray painted a rude word onto a war memorial. Obviously this changes everything,”

The protestors are demonstrating against austerity measures, which include cutting £12 billion from welfare expenditure. Because the last thing that poor people need is more money.

“It makes me ashamed to be an anti-austerity protester,”

Said one protester that did not want to be identified. “I think we should have a minutes silence every single day for a year, as a mark of respect for the fact that somebody has written fuck on a statue. I’m only glad they didn’t draw a cock on it as well,”

Survey Shows British Public Chatting Shit Again

A survey from the Royal Statistical society and King’s Collage Oxford has revealed that the British public are talking out of their arses again. This is due to a combination of government ministers bullshitting like mechanical muckspreaders, the press talking even more bollocks than usual, and the belief that we’re all rather astute and political, and would never climb onto a shit-wagon if some tosspot in a Saville Row suit told us it was a shiny new Rolls Royce.

The Executive Director of the company that carried out the telephone survey said:

“Sadly, we as a nation have only slightly more of an idea about the statistics on crime, benefits and immigration, as a 14th Century professional hermit would have about the mating rituals of the coconut crab. We’re like a nation of David Camerons trying to eat a foot long hot dog with chopsticks. Some of these findings are seriously mental, and many of us have got it all worryingly arse-about-face,”

We’ve got a pretty feverish imagination when it comes to how much unprotected sex British teenagers are having. According to the public, 15% of teenage girls are up the duff by 16. If this were true, the Arcadia group aren’t ones to miss a trick, and Topshop would be doing a roaring trade in neon purple PVC maternity wear and 5 inch heels that stretch when your feet swell up. But the official figure is closer to 0.6%, meaning our teenagers are almost fifteen times more responsible than the public thinks they are, even if they do wear stupid clothes and listen to crap music.

Another major misconception is benefit fraud, with the public estimating it to be £24 in every £100. This is thought to be due to government propaganda portraying benefit recipients as a cross between Dickensian criminal Bill Sykes, and the top ten most hated guests on the Jeremy Kyle show. Or maybe they just saw loads of people on crutches that day, and deduced that some of them must be trying it on. But the official figure is just 70p in the pound.

13% of the population are recent immigrants, coming over here and taking our women and forcing us at bomb-point to eat Halal Subway sandwiches. This figure includes illegal immigrants, but it also covers people that drive taxis and work in offices and hospitals and pay taxes, the cheeky sods. Compared with the public’s estimate of 31%, we either all bumped into to the same family wedding party that day, or somebody has been painting the roses red.

Apparently our government spends more on foreign aid than it does on loads of other things. Or does it? The survey again found this to be a complete bag of dicks, and government aid does not appear in the top 3 of the countries’ expenditure, and comes in at 1.1%.

Finally, we spend 15 times more on pensions than on Jobseeker’s allowance.

“But try telling that to some Daily Mail-reading old dear sitting at home, rationing her Smart Price digestives,”

Said the Executive Director.

“Anybody would think we’d been deliberately mis-led,”

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