Beer And ‘Exposure’ Now Legal Tender For Bands And Musicians

A recent change in the law will allow musicians to exchange free beer, buffet food and ‘exposure’ for petrol, rent and guitar strings. Under the new legislation, it will be possible to pay for studio time or even a mortgage, by mentioning the ‘really big gig’ you performed at last week for no money, especially if there were celebs at it.

A bass player from Manchester said:

“This is really good news for bands and musicians. I’m looking forward to buying a new bass with the sausage rolls and four pints of Strongbow I was promised for doing a wedding last week. At last, the government are doing something to support working musicians,”

Under the old law, it was impossible to pay for any kind of goods or service with the bullshit idea that you are ‘getting your name out there’ by entertaining a bored crowd that have never heard of you, trying their hardest to get legless and cop off with each other at a badly organised event. But this new legislation paves the way for people that don’t want to pay for bands to hire bands, and for musicians to pay their mortgages with plastic glasses of warm ale and vague promises of future paid work.

“I was offered an unpaid spot at a posh wedding, on the promise that there were influential people among the guests that might help my career. I’m looking forward to name-dropping some B-list celebs and people off the telly at my building society, and getting a third off my mortgage this month,”

Said a professional flute player from Southampton.

“I’ve been a professional musician for fifteen years, and I normally feel like telling people to fuck off when they ask me to do stuff like that. But now I can finally afford to live on the total twaddle of some tight fisted bugger that wants me to do them a favour and doesn’t want to pay me,”

Photo from Wikipedia

‘Exposure’ Now Legal Tender For Photographers

A change in the law will allow photographers to pay rent on their homes & studios with ‘exposure’ instead of money. They will also be able to buy coffee, shampoo and other essentials, by mentioning to the checkout assistant that they did a big job last week for nothing, and are hoping it will bring them some paying clients.

Landlords and supermarkets are protesting this move, on the grounds that “Well what the hell am I supposed to do with ‘exposure’? I can’t pay my bills with fresh bloody air! Why can’t you just give me money like every bugger else?”

The controversial new change will allow photographers to pay for their homes and studios by doing freebies for people that want pictures of their spoiled daughter at her expensive Sweet Sixteen party, pictures of their hair-brained new business idea, or a range of merchandise they plan to sell on EBay.

The owner of an online sausage website said:

“This is a very good deal, and I can’t understand what you’re all moaning about. I own a big sausage factory, and when people see that you have photographed my famous sausages, you’ll be beating off paying clients with a mucky stick. Everybody knows that’s how it works. If you think about it, I’m actually doing you a favor by letting you photograph my sausages,”

Photographers themselves claim that they don’t really give a shit how famous your sausages are, or how many wealthy parents will be at your daughter’s swanky party that cost a grand to put on.

“The old saying went – if you pay peanuts you get monkeys,”

Said a professional photographer from Leeds.

“It used to be that if you planned to pay in imaginary benefits, good luck with your imaginary professional photographer, and the top notch professional service that you won’t be receiving. They’ll probably throw in imaginary re-touching and shoot it on a fictional Hasselblad as well,

“But with this new change in the law, I can actually pay the rent on my studio by spending the whole afternoon photographing someone’s annoying children for nothing. I can even get a free coffee in Starbucks by whipping out my portfolio and showing them all the many hours of retouching I did on some bright orange teenager whose mum told her she could be a model. This has revolutionized the field of photography, and I couldn’t be more delighted,”

A spokesperson for the National Landlords Association said:

“This is absolutely outrageous. How can anyone in their right minds hope to pay for goods and services with ‘exposure’? If we’re forced to accept the promise of future work in lieu of actual money, we’re all going to go bankrupt!”

Amateur Re-Touching With Photoshop To Be Banned

A new law that bans clueless amateur photographers from creepily over-Photoshopping pictures of models is expected to come into force next year.

Under the new legislation, photographers could be fined or have their computers confiscated, if they press the skin smoother button too many times and make the model look like a boiled egg with lipstick on.

The practise of Photoshopping model’s pubic hair to your own personal preference, or rubbing their knickers out so it looks they were naked will also carry a heavy fine.

“This new legislation couldn’t be more welcome,”

Said a 25 year old glamour model from Essex.

“I don’t mind a bit of airbrushing, but when they make you look like a creepy wax doll with Lara Croft tits, and then proudly post the photos all over Facebook, it’s a bit embarrassing to be honest. I don’t know if some of these pricks are into necrophilia, because I swear I look like I’ve been recently embalmed in some of the pictures.  One of them made my mum cry,”

Amateur photographers will still be able to use Photoshop, but if they want a model with enormous tits or a particular type of knicker moustache, they will have to find one, instead of randomly inflating or cloning their body parts.

A professional photographer said:

“Photoshop is a powerful tool, and in the wrong hands it can be tragic. We all know that pictures of celebrities and models are often heavily airbrushed. But that doesn’t mean you should remove people’s knickers or arbitrarily give them massive knockers, when they only have normal sized ones, or rearrange their face a bit and bugger about with their eyebrows, while muttering ‘Mu-hahaha, I’ll fix you my pretty. You’re perfect now!’”

Photo from this article.

Soup Dragon Cast In Scarface Remake

Scarface is getting a reboot – and fans are divided over Universal’s choice for character Tony Montana.

A young Al Pacino played the original power-crazy coke-fiend Montana in Brian De Palma’s 1983 gangster movie. But the remake is set to feature children’s’ TV star the Soup Dragon, best known for supplying green soup to a family of extra-terrestrials known as the Clangers.

Harry Potter director David Yates said:

“I love the first one so much, and this remake is so unnecessary & such a stupid idea that I don’t want to ruin the memory of that. So it just felt like, let’s just restart it with the Soup Dragon playing Tony Montana. We can have green soup instead of cocaine and 1970’s space ray guns made from lolly sticks and string. It’s going to be like nothing you’ve seen before,”

While the original 1932 movie was about a prohibition era criminal, and the 1982 version was about a small time crook, the 21st century reboot is about an immigrant’s rise to power in the seedy underworld of present day Los Angeles.

Fans of the movie have expressed concern that a plasticine, animated dragon that runs a soup kitchen for moon aliens won’t have the necessary presence or edge of menace needed for the role.

“Oh it’ll be alright,”

Said a spokesperson for Universal studios.

“We’ll just throw loads of money at it, get some wacky effects going, loads of explosions and get it trending on Twitter. It’ll be fine,”

Pratchett Fans Ask Death To ‘Take Clarkson Instead’

The sun has set for the final time upon the city of Ankh-Morpork, and fans of beloved author Terry Pratchett are already asking Death to do ‘Swapsies’ for Jeremy Clarkson.

A fan from Dublin said:

“I know Mort said ‘THERE’S NO JUSTICE. JUST US.’ but it’s just so horribly unfair. It’s not much to ask to bring him back, and take that egotistical, flappy-faced bigot Jeremy Clarkson instead, and we’ll even throw in Robin Thicke or E.L James. We’ll all pretend it never happened,”

A bereavement councillor, atheist and voracious reader said:

“Bargaining is a natural stage of grief, and many of us try to make a deal with God, Death and other supernatural forces as a way of coping with loss. Not once, in any single case has this ever worked. It is about as effective as asking the dog to do the washing up. But oh go on Death, just this once. Go on go on go on,”

During his 44-year career, Sir Terry wrote more than 70 books, which were translated into 37 languages, and read by an estimated 70 million people. Many fans credit the books with helping them to mentally escape difficult circumstances, as well firing their imaginations and inspiring some to write.

“Pratchett is our most-stolen author. We’ve replaced ‘Good Omens’ in excess of 15 times since it came out,”

Said a librarian from Leeds.

“I’m looking forward to ordering a complete new set of Discworld novels, as many of them will inevitably go missing in the days and weeks to come. And while nothing beats the smell of a new book, a brand-new Pratchett book hot off the press always just smelled a little more exciting. I’m really going to miss that. Can’t somebody have a word up there, and maybe swap him for, I don’t know, Jeremy Clarkson?”

2015 UK Eurovision Entry ‘Shittest Yet’

The UK entry for the Eurovision Song Contest has finally been announced – and experts say it’s the worst yet, and everybody hates it.

Radio DJ Chris Evans said:

“This is the musical equivalent of bowel surgery. I haven’t hated a song this much since ‘Let Her Go’ by Passenger, which made me want to punch myself in the face,”

The song ‘Still In Love With You’, which sounds like ‘Doop’ being bummed by Cotton Eye Joe and then being fed into a sausage machine testicles-first, has been criticised for its ‘creepy’ lyrics.

“It sounds like a conversation between an overbearing, jealous boyfriend that doesn’t want his girlfriend to go on holiday in case she cheats on him. She’s going to spend the entire time answering moany texts and explaining her plans for the day in tedious detail. She should dump him instead of singing back to him,”

Said a 15 year old schoolgirl & Eurovision fan.

“I usually watch Eurovision with my Nan, and we always cheer at the UK entry no matter how crap it is. But this time I think I’ll go and make her a cup of tea when Electro Velvet come on,”

The two singers in the video have been criticised for their lack of on-screen chemistry, evident in the photograph above, where they both look like they’ve just won a costume competition at Butlins.

“I’ve seen deader eyes than that, but only inside a morgue,”

Said a Eurovision expert.

“Obviously it’s a bit awkward pretending to fancy somebody, but these two don’t even look like they like each other. It’s like a second division footballer and his sister-in-law have made an expensive karaoke video for a joke, and then fallen out on the day of filming.  Really quite appalling,”

“Well I rather like it actually.  Can you get it as a ring tone?”

Said Nigel Farage.

Touching Poem From Heavy Metal Granny Goes Viral

An elderly heavy metal fan, who lived to the grand old age of 117 has left behind a touching poem for her 18 year old granddaughter.

Margaret “Motorhead” Braithwaite from Burlsem, Stoke-On-Trent, tragically passed away last Wednesday.   Her daughter found this heartfelt advice in her belongings. Addressed to her great granddaughter Kim, also a fan of bands such as Rammstien, it was shared on social media as a tribute, and has since gone viral.

“It is really touching and sweet, and I will treasure this forever,”

Said Kim.

Margaret’s poem:

I’ve had a long and lovely life

And now I’m old and grey

I’d like to share a secret

That has helped me on my way

Heavy metal, sex and drugs

Are brilliant things to do

If anybody says they’re not

Just smile and say…

Thank you!

My memories are so precious to me

Do you remember the Download all dayer?

When your dear old Granddad lifted me up

So I could show my tits to off to Slayer

Having kinks when you’re old is much less of a chore

It gets easier as every year passes

I used to tie up and blindfold your Granddad

And now I just hide his best glasses

And I’ll never forget the time, my dear

Just after we’d been to a party

Your Granddad had banged me so jolly hard

The neighbours thought we’d been bombed by the Nazis.

Or that time out in Spain, where I got a tattoo

And was up until 4am raving

Then we found German scat on channel 900

And now we’re both banned from Haven

So remember, just because you get old

And your bits and bobs go slightly crinkly

You don’t have to stop living or listening to metal

Just because your bum’s gone a bit wrinkly

All my love,

Granny Margaret.

P.S. METAL FOREVER!

Haunted ‘Colour Changing Dress Of Evil’ To Be Burned

The demonic body-con dress that has tricked the entire world with its evil sorcery, is to be burned in a special ceremony in London, its owner has said.

“I bought it from an old, toothless gypsy woman that turned up on my doorstep at midnight and told me she’d had a vision of me wearing it at a wedding, and terrible things would happen if I didn’t,”

Said the mother of the bride.

“I didn’t think anything odd at the time. But when I tried the dress on, I immediately heard demonic chanting, and saw Satan’s little imps jumping around in the bedroom mirror. I just put it down to indigestion because my Spanx were too tight,”

But things took a turn for the sinister on the day of the wedding, when she was complimented on the colour of the dress.

 

“I could have sworn it was blue. But some nasty old bat on the husband’s side of the family tutted at me and mumbled something about only brides wearing white to a wedding. I couldn’t understand what she was on about. I got a couple of funny looks on the day, and somebody said the dress was a ‘very brave choice’ and that was a bit strange. Blue has always suited me. I got really paranoid and thought oh well, at least I like it even if nobody else does,”

After the controversy hit the Internet, it became clear that only sinners saw the dress as being blue, while the pure of heart and mind saw it as the angelic combination of white and gold.

“It’s clearly haunted, or cursed or something. So we’re having a special burning ceremony in Trafalgar Square on Saturday. We’re going to get a giant wicker woman and stuff it with fashion crimes from the last ten years, including ponchos, Ugg boots and tracksuits with words on the arse,”

Latest news just in – Everybody in entire world sick of hearing about the dress.

‘World Of The Weird, With Alan Moore’s Beard’ To Begin Filming In September

The unkempt beard of ‘V For Vendetta’ writer Alan Moore is to star in its own TV show on Channel 4.  The programme is thought to be based on “Alfred Hitchcock Presents”, and is said feature the beard sitting in a leather arm chair by a roaring fire, or striding purposefully through Highgate cemetery in a Barbour jacket and wellington boots.

The beard often sleeps through interviews and book signings.

Normally shunning interviews and often sleeping or meditating through radio and TV presentations, the beard made the decision to collaborate with Channel 4 with the full support of Alan Moore, for a one-off series of short films about the occult.

The comic book author recently admitted that he couldn’t have created many of his popular books without the help of his faithful chin warmer.

The author credited the hairy masterpiece with much of the inspiration for, and editing of his novel ‘Voice Of The Fire’, as well as several of his best loved comic books.

“I brought the beard to life with a Chaos magic ritual in the early 1970’s,”

Moore explained.

“I’d already tried it with one of my eyebrows, but something went wrong and it kept trying to write Jeffery Archer fan fiction, so I had to banish its pathetic essence into a vessel of brass and start again. I used a combination of Solomonic and Enochian magic to awaken and control it, and then I fed it on raw mandrake and wormwood, until it was strong enough to become my assistant. We’ve had an ideal working relationship ever since. I would sometimes fall asleep at my typewriter, and when I woke up, the beard would have corrected all of my spelling mistakes and brainstormed the next chapter for me,”

‘World Of The Weird, With Alan Moore’s Beard’ is due to begin filming this September.

Photographer Terry Richardson To Be Neutered

Bafflingly popular photographer Terry Richardson is to be surgically neutered, said a spokesperson for the Fashion Council today.

In a statement made to the press, the spokesperson said:

“After reviewing the evidence and testimonials, the decision has been taken to send him to the vets and get him done. He should be up and about in a few weeks, but his disgusting old penis won’t be,”

“This is fantastic news,” said one 21 year old model, who wished to remain anonymous. “We’re all very tired of ‘Uncle Terry’ and his horrible old willy. He’s like some disgusting geography teacher with a camera. I say lop it all off and mount it on a spike at the Tower of London,”

“Can we have his thumbs chopped off as well?” said another industry insider.

“That would have the duel benefit of him not being able to even hold a camera, and stop him from putting his smelly thumb in people’s mouths when they don’t want him to. Then we can all get some peace from the lecherous old fart,”

“Why not just hack both his bloody hands off instead?” said a former model agent’s assistant, that witnessed several shoots as a young P.A.

“Then he won’t be able to just start jacking off in the middle of a shoot, like one of those filthy monkeys from the zoo,”

The spokesperson replied to the suggestions, stating that they weren’t considering surgically removing both of his hands and feeding them to a crocodile at the moment, but that they would definitely bear this feedback in mind for the future.

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