Owls Be Like ‘F*** Your Pop Up Café, Man’

Plans to open a pop-up ‘Owl Bar’ in London have been met with objections and criticism, not least from the owls themselves.


A spokesperson from an owl sanctuary has objected to the event, on the grounds that:

“Owls are sensitive and shy nocturnal creatures, and it is cruel to subject them to a crowded or noisy atmosphere such as an event or party,”

Spokesowl Hootie, a large Jazz-Owl from Harlem, speaking on behalf of the group of owls expected to spend the week being fondled by drunken patrons said quite righteously:

“That’s right bitch! Owls be secretive and sensitive birds, wid ‘sepshunal hearin’. Subjectin’ us t’large crowds and noise aint whut be best fo’ our welfare. What it is, Mama. Right On!”

The organiser of the event claimed that:

“The organisers have also made sure the noise and background music will be kept to minimal and an owl will only have around 10-12 members of public around him/her at a given time.”

To which Hootie replied:

What? You’s wants’ me t’rap t’each group uh assholes fo’ 10-12 minutes? What am ah’ supposed t’do? Lap dance? Vomit up a shrew? Fuck yo’ pop up cafe man. Some bitch be missin’ her nose an’ eyeball after 5 minutes of that lame-ass unpaid performin’ shit. ‘S coo’, bro,”

2015 UK Eurovision Entry ‘Shittest Yet’

The UK entry for the Eurovision Song Contest has finally been announced – and experts say it’s the worst yet, and everybody hates it.

electro velvet

Radio DJ Chris Evans said:

“This is the musical equivalent of bowel surgery. I haven’t hated a song this much since ‘Let Her Go’ by Passenger, which made me want to punch myself in the face,”

The song ‘Still In Love With You’, which sounds like ‘Doop’ being bummed by Cotton Eye Joe and then being fed into a sausage machine testicles-first, has been criticised for its ‘creepy’ lyrics.

“It sounds like a conversation between an overbearing, jealous boyfriend that doesn’t want his girlfriend to go on holiday in case she cheats on him. She’s going to spend the entire time answering moany texts and explaining her plans for the day in tedious detail. She should dump him instead of singing back to him,”

Said a 15 year old schoolgirl & Eurovision fan.

“I usually watch Eurovision with my Nan, and we always cheer at the UK entry no matter how crap it is. But this time I think I’ll go and make her a cup of tea when Electro Velvet come on,”

The two singers in the video have been criticised for their lack of on-screen chemistry, evident in the photograph above, where they both look like they’ve just won a costume competition at Butlins.

“I’ve seen deader eyes than that, but only inside a morgue,”

Said a Eurovision expert.

“Obviously it’s a bit awkward pretending to fancy somebody, but these two don’t even look like they like each other. It’s like a second division footballer and his sister-in-law have made an expensive karaoke video for a joke, and then fallen out on the day of filming.  Really quite appalling,”

“Well I rather like it actually.  Can you get it as a ring tone?”

Said Nigel Farage.