Vatican Warns ‘Satan Is Bumming You While You Do Yoga’

The Vatican’s chief exorcist has controversially stated that Yoga causes Satan to have bum sex with you.

Father Gabriel Amorth, who has carried out more then 70 000 exorcisms during his 25 years as the Vatican’s chief exorcist said:

“You see, when you practise Yoga, Satan is actually bumming you really hard and slapping your behind and calling you his little love-pumpkin. And all of his imps are sitting around giggling and smoking crack while they watch. Sometimes he even lets them have a go,”

“Yoga is the devil’s work, and whenever you do a yoga pose, you can be sure that Satan is grinding away behind you, and going ‘mmmmm, yeah, you like that don’t you?’ and spitting in your hair,”

Said the elderly priest, brandishing a crucifix and checking behind the curtains for masturbating demons.

“And Harry Potter, that’s evil as well. Satan personally rubs his big red widge on every page and sticks his tongue in your ear the whole time you are reading it,”

He added:

“Don’t come running to me when your head spins around and you start vomiting locusts. I did warn you,”

A spokesman for the worldwide Yoga association said:

“Oh no, not that bloody loony again. Look. We don’t slag off your religion, so leave ours alone, you weird old bigot. Satan does not have sex with you while you are doing yoga. End of,”

“Yes he does!”

Replied Father Amorth. “And then he wipes his knob on your curtains!”

Photograph from The Telegraph

New Lizard Announced

The Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a healthy baby lizard, Kensington palace has confirmed.

The infant reptile, fourth in line to the throne, was hatched from a large, golden egg today, after being incubated for 9 months in a special chamber, designed to replicate the conditions of its home planet.

Royal lizard eggs require weekly human sacrifices, and these were selected from the crowds of dribbling sheeple that have been camped outside the hospital.

Hospital porter Dave Smith was one of the fortunate few to be selected for the royal lizard’s first feed. Before he went to his death, which involves his internal organs being sucked out via his eye sockets to feed the mewling, scaly infant, he told reporters how honoured he felt.

“It is truly an honour to serve my country by having my intestines slurped up like spaghetti by the royal princess. I leave behind a wife, two sons and a baby girl of my own. But this one is far more important,”

Nurses that witnessed the first royal feed said “awww, just like her Grandma” and “my my, hasn’t she got a healthy appetite?” as the remains of the porter crumpled up like an empty packet of crisps. The royal lizard is said to have doubled in size during the feed, and tried to eat the midwife.

Highway To Hell To Become An ‘A’ Road

Due to ever increasing traffic numbers, the Highway to Hell is to be reclassified as an A-road, and repairs will be carried out over the next few years.

Work beginning in 2016 will widen the road, add several more lanes and repair the potholes caused by skateboards and hand-carts. A new service station is to be built, housing a Little Chef restaurant, and a branch of WH Smiths.

A new cycle lane will be added, and a free National Express coach service with a toilet that smells like fresh sick will make daily trips up and down the highway.

Those that wish to cross the River Styx in the traditional fashion instead of using the highway, will find the skeletal ferryman replaced by one of twenty seven coin-operated toll booths. An automated ferry, capable of carrying up to twenty souls, will carry passengers across the river of forgetfulness. Complimentary tea and biscuits will be available, but passengers will not be able to purchase alcohol while on board. The gift shop will be open from 7am until 6pm every day apart from Sunday.

BBC ‘Definitely Not’ Murdering Celebrities And Journalists

The BBC have issued a public service announcement, to reassure viewers that they are not systematically culling presenters and journalists that put them in a sticky spot over allegations of child abuse and corruption. This is the statement in full.

“This is a public service announcement by the BBC. Please do not be alarmed at the alarming rate that celebrities, TV presenters and journalists are being downgraded or dying in mysterious circumstances. It is all merely a coincidence, and there is nothing to worry about.

Of course we’re not demoting or forcing out the whistleblowers that exposed the whole scandal, that doesn’t actually exist because it’s not true. This is the BBC, not the CIA. You’ll be accusing us of knocking off Tupac next. It’s all very silly.

The deaths of meddling busybody Jill Dando was down to a nut-nut, and it could happen to anyone, so make sure you don’t answer the door to strangers.

The daughter of right-on celebrity mouthpiece Peaches Geldof, that coincidentally started Tweeting the names of child abusers was down to drugs, and everybody knows you die from drugs if you take drugs.

Unpredictable comedian and family man Rik Mayall, who worked alongside many celebs suspected of involvement with the completely fiction paedophile ring operating at the highest levels of government and the media, died unexpectedly of a dodgy ticker, and that’s all there is to it.

We’re doing a new series of The Great British Bake-Off soon, featuring anyone still standing after Operation Yewtree is all cleared up, with celebrity host Cliff Richard, so stay tuned for that. And remember, we know where you live because we’ve got special listening vans, so best not chit-chat too much about this whole nasty business near your TV, because you never know if they’re listening,”

Simpsons Insider Admits Involvement In Higgs Boson And 9/11

An anonymous writer and former member of the Simpsons television show’s inner circle has made a shocking revelation. He claims that the show’s writers and producers had ‘a heavy involvement and responsibility’ in current events, via the popular show itself.

“The show The Simpsons has been complicit in the creation of futuristic inventions, scientific discoveries and terrorist attacks,”

He said, speaking from a dark room in an unnamed location, thought to be underground, after claiming that death threats forced him to leave his home.

“Some people think it’s just a coincidence that we showed a magazine cover featuring a similar scenario to 9/11 years before it happened. Other people think it’s the Illuminati controlling the media, and planting subtle clues so as not to startle the sheeple,”

The television show has predicted many future events, mostly through the use of far-fetched scenarios and visual gags. Its most recently discovered prediction was when main character Homer Simpson accurately wrote down the equation for the Higgs-Boson particle on a blackboard, several years before it was actually discovered.

The Simpsons has also predicted Apple technology such as Siri and video calls on mobile telephones, the design of I-pods, the UK horse meat scandal, mutant tomatoes affected by radiation, and Miley Cyrus riding on a wrecking ball.

Experts in the methods of the Illuminati to control the population, point to the Miley Cyrus video prediction as proof that popular shows such as the Simpsons contain subtle clues that the population is being ruled by a shadowy elite.

But the former writer claims that isn’t the case. In his own words:

“The co-creator of the show Matt Groening sold his soul to the Devil in a blood ritual many years ago. Satan granted him unlimited success, but a price. Everything written into the show will happen at some point in the future. Sometimes it’s just on a small scale, like the lemon tree that was stolen in an episode, and then a real life newspaper reported the theft of a lemon tree. It’s easy to ignore stuff like that.

“But other times, and nobody can say when or how, the big stuff happens, and we all know it’s because of the show. We all know what I’m talking about here. THAT magazine cover. It didn’t mean anything at the time, it was just a meaningless sketch on screen for a second. And then it happened,”

“When we did the gag on Homer writing the equation down, the artist just threw down some random numbers and letters and made it look all mathematical. And now it’s been proven to be true. We don’t live in the world that we think we do. We live in Satan’s matrix, and he manipulates the world according to his evil whims. Matt Groening is an instrument of the devil, and being an atheist isn’t going to get him off the hook,”

Photo credits:

The Daily Mail

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jenlewis/21-times-the-simpsons-bizarrely-predicted-the-future#.pyL8gY9D0

http://www.veteranstoday.com/2013/06/16/beware-911-and-now-622-terrorist-foretold-in-the-simpsons/

Gays ‘Steal Souls Of Small Children’ Claims Ukip Leaflet

Leaflets claiming that teaching equality is ‘sexual grooming’ and accusing gays of malevolent witchcraft have been handed out at a spring conference in Margate. The literature claims that gays and lesbians want to steal the souls of unborn babies and primary school children and turn them gay, as part of a ‘recruitment drive’.

Describing how Satan gives gays special powers to remove and interfere with the souls of babies and young children, by recitation of barbaric words and blood rituals involving chickens and goats, the leaflet goes on to state:

Satanic transgender imp Baphomet is said to assist predatory gays with their disgusting rituals.

“These ceremonies often take place in sauna near to the school, or at a private house. A number of animals are sacrificed, after which there is a gay orgy to raise a cone of power above the school. The children’s souls are sucked up into a vortex and sent to hell, where Satan turns them all gay. Then the souls are returned to the children intact, apart from where Satan’s imps might have nibbled on them a bit. The child then begins to develop gay interests, ensuring ‘fresh blood’ for the gay community ten years down the line,”

The leaflet also explains why the LGBT community is hell-bent on turning children gay:

“As such people cannot reproduce, obviously their jealousy and covetousness means that they will attempt to steal the souls of the unborn and the young. By teaching ‘equality’ and acceptance of alternative lifestyles, the government has given gays carte blanche to suck out the souls of developing foetuses, and turn otherwise healthy young pupils into gay children, thus ensuring the destruction of the human race,”

“Primary school age children taunting each other about being gay, and using language like dyke and faggot is a healthy and necessary stage of heterosexual development. This ensures an appropriate level of shame and isolation, which prevents children becoming homosexual later in life, and sometimes leads to the self harm, depression and suicide of young gays and lesbians, which can only have a positive impact on the country as whole,”

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