David Cameron Appoints Katie Hopkins As Minister For Spite

David Cameron has appointed Sun columnist Katie Hopkins as minster for Spite. Her duties will include closing hospital wings, thinking up new sanctions for the Job Centre and wandering around the streets of London kicking busker’s hats over.

An expert on both virulence and malevolence, Hopkins is unusual in having not served as an MP prior to her appointment. It is widely believed that she may have a ‘dossier of dirt’ on one or more members of the cabinet, possibly involving copious quantities of Swarfega and the services of an elderly goat, which the unnamed cabinet member may have drunkenly mistaken for Katie herself.

Prime Minster David Cameron said in a statement.

“It is vital that that the poor, the sick and the disabled are punished. For too long, this country has been headed out of the dark ages. I believe that Katie Hopkins is the woman to lead us into an age of bleak, dribbling backwardness the like of which has not been seen since medieval times. She may be half-goat, half Shakespearian witch and probably a secret Nazi in her spare time, but she is all Tory,”

British Public Remind Prime Minister That He Works For Them

The British public has issued a statement to Prime Minister David Cameron, telling him to take his feet off the desk and stop swanning around like he owns the bloody place.

“We can’t fire you, but we’re watching you, you ham-faced little turdbag,”

Said the statement. It goes on to detail how the Prime Minister is traditionally a “keystone of the Cabinet arch’ and ‘a sun around which planets revolve’ rather than a swirling abyss of privileged smuggery that would murder its own constituents with a lump hammer if there was a quid in it for him.

The statement, which includes a great deal of colorful language and vulgar imagery involving goats, witchcraft and Jimmy Saville, ends with a surprisingly civilized reminder that the Prime Minister works for the people, not the other way around. Downing Street have declined to comment on the statement.

Spanish Government Unveil Brutal Hologram ‘Protest Police Squad’

The Spanish Government have unveiled their special task force of holographic, armed police officers to deal with future holographic protests, like the one held in front of parliament in Madrid.

A shot of the new holographic police squad, kicking shit through a peaceful activist for his own safety.

The ‘Citizen Safety Police’ will be entirely holographic, and armed with batons, tazers, handcuffs and mace. There will also be highly trained holographic police dogs, horses composed entirely of light, and two completely theoretical tanks authorised to fire on citizens, if it is deemed that they are endangering themselves.

Under Spain’s new ‘Gag Law’ or ‘Citizen Safety Law’ peacefully protesting outside a government building about, for example, a law that prevents citizens from peacefully protesting outside government buildings would be illegal.

A spokesperson for the Spanish Government said:

“You may think you’re very clever, projecting holograms onto a public building, avoiding being arrested and making us all look like pinche idiota. But next time, we will have tanks, dogs and holographic tazers. And we will round you all up, and put you in Hologram Prison!”

David Cameron ‘Technically Not A C***’ Claims Leading Academic

Calling Prime Minister David Cameron an extremely rude word for a lady’s personal area on Twitter has been a national pastime for the last 5 Years.

 

But a leading academic has pointed out that Cameron lacks both the depth and the warmth to accurately be described as a c****.

“Of course, the dissimilarity doesn’t end there. There are lots of occasions where you would be delighted to see a real life c****, which isn’t the case with David Cameron.

“Many men and some ladies rather like c****s, and even people that aren’t overly fond of them definitely appreciate their usefulness. Which is again, something you can’t really say about the Prime Minister.

He then suggested re-claiming the word c***, as it was starting to “become ruined” by being associated with David Cameron.

“How about we all start calling him a ‘shape-shifting horse-f*****’, like somebody recently did on Twitter?”

Gays ‘Steal Souls Of Small Children’ Claims Ukip Leaflet

Leaflets claiming that teaching equality is ‘sexual grooming’ and accusing gays of malevolent witchcraft have been handed out at a spring conference in Margate. The literature claims that gays and lesbians want to steal the souls of unborn babies and primary school children and turn them gay, as part of a ‘recruitment drive’.

Describing how Satan gives gays special powers to remove and interfere with the souls of babies and young children, by recitation of barbaric words and blood rituals involving chickens and goats, the leaflet goes on to state:

Satanic transgender imp Baphomet is said to assist predatory gays with their disgusting rituals.

“These ceremonies often take place in sauna near to the school, or at a private house. A number of animals are sacrificed, after which there is a gay orgy to raise a cone of power above the school. The children’s souls are sucked up into a vortex and sent to hell, where Satan turns them all gay. Then the souls are returned to the children intact, apart from where Satan’s imps might have nibbled on them a bit. The child then begins to develop gay interests, ensuring ‘fresh blood’ for the gay community ten years down the line,”

The leaflet also explains why the LGBT community is hell-bent on turning children gay:

“As such people cannot reproduce, obviously their jealousy and covetousness means that they will attempt to steal the souls of the unborn and the young. By teaching ‘equality’ and acceptance of alternative lifestyles, the government has given gays carte blanche to suck out the souls of developing foetuses, and turn otherwise healthy young pupils into gay children, thus ensuring the destruction of the human race,”

“Primary school age children taunting each other about being gay, and using language like dyke and faggot is a healthy and necessary stage of heterosexual development. This ensures an appropriate level of shame and isolation, which prevents children becoming homosexual later in life, and sometimes leads to the self harm, depression and suicide of young gays and lesbians, which can only have a positive impact on the country as whole,”

Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

Sex To Be Replaced With Crossfit

BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

Chemtrails Are ‘Just Aeroplanes Trumping’ Claims Kylie Jenner

Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts