Wicked Witch Can’t Wait To Curse Royal Baby

A bitter, maligned old witch with a grudge and a warty nose has spoken of her joy at the news of another royal baby.

agnes evil

Agnes Evil, 182, from a cave in Wales, narrowly missed putting a curse on Prince George, due to her hip replacement making it difficult for her to ride her broomstick. But she is looking forward to casting an ironic enchantment upon the second royal baby, due any time now.

“My family has been cursing royal babies on and off for hundreds of years. Charles’s curse was cast by my mother, and it was to have a wife more popular than him, who would bear a ginger boy-child to another man. And to be ancient when he was finally crowned, and also to believe in silly woo-woo crap like talking to plants. I can’t reveal what is in store for William and Harry, although part of the prophecy was fulfilled when Harry dressed up as a Nazi and it was in all the papers,”

Agnes is taking no chances this time, and is staying in a hotel close to the hospital where the royal baby will be born.

“It’s very nice here. There’s a flushing loo and a sink, although they have banned me from cooking frogs in the room, or bringing in live pigeons and extracting their tongues with tweezers, as it made a mess of the bedroom carpet. I’ve bought some frozen ones instead, which they are keeping on ice for me, so hopefully they will work just as well,”

Agnes is keeping the twisted, awful nature of the curse to herself for now, although she has hinted at “Scandal, debauchery and something to do with elephants. Mark my words, this is going to be a doozy” although she has categorically denied including any gingerness in her evil spell.

Broke Greece Suddenly Remembers Nazi Debt

The Greek Govermnent has put its scruffiest shirt on and turned out its empty jeans pockets, to tell Germany in front of all its mates:

“Oi mate, remember that ten billion spondoolies loan we had to pay for back in the 1940’s? And the time you occupied our country and knobbed it up? Any chance of having it back some time, ‘cos it’s been ages now and we’re skint,”

german federal archives

Germany has replied:

“What loan? WTF are you on about? We don’t owe you any money. You’re off your tits you are. Jog on sunshine,”

The Greek Deputy Finance Minister has calculated a figure of over two hundred and fifty billion quid, which includes a loan and the cost of occupation. But Germany maintains that Greece never said nuffink about it before, they merely pulled the figure out of their arses, and they’re just trying it on.

Berlin has paid over a hundred million Deutshmarks to Athens in compensation, and insisted that “that’s your lot, now piss off,”

But Greece maintained that they were diddled, and that Germany “owe us big time” and that they ought to “watch your back, yeah? ‘Cos you’re a snake, that’s what you are mate. A snake. You wanna watch your step, cos I’m like an elephant mate, and I never forget,”

Germany offered to step outside and knock Greece into the middle of next week, but Greece claimed it had a heart condition and declined.

A Greek repayment of 448 million Euros to the International Monetary Fund is due on Thursday. Greece insists that “we’ve got the dough, right, and Germany are just taking the piss,”

Germany mumbled something unintelligible as Greece left, and Greece asked them to repeat it. But Germany claimed it didn’t say anything and was just clearing its throat,”

“Better had of been nothing,”

Said Greece, muttering what sounded like “cocksuckers” under its breath and slamming the door.

Photo credit – German Federal Archives