The biblical apocalypse is set to begin this weekend with ‘blood rain’, according to forecasters. The MET office issued a statement that said:
“We’re going to have a dry summer after this. Mostly because of an angry God striking the land with a deadly drought, so that even our very bones may turn to dust. But first it’s going to rain blood, and then probably a plague of pigeons or something. It’s all there in the bible,”
Revelation 11:6 says:
“they have power over the waters to turn them into blood and to strike the earth with every kind of plague, as often as they desire.”
The pigeon plague has been confirmed by several visionaries, including a psychic nun at the Vatican. Sister Mary saw “droves of diseased pigeons landing on every surface and turning the country white with deadly guano,”
An apocalypse alert has been issued in London, and health experts have warned the general public to avoid outside activity, worshipping false idols, voting Ukip or eating fish on a Friday.
“Not that there will be many fish, because the oceans and rivers are first going to run red with blood and then dry up like an old sock in a tumble dryer as a punishment for our lascivious wickedness,”
Added the MET office.
“In fact, your best bet for survival is to sacrifice none-believers, renounced your love for Satan and pray the Lord takes pity on your pathetic soul, as you lie dying amidst wailing and gnashing teeth in the crumbling ruins of modern-day Sodem,”
The minister for public safety said:
“There’s really no way to avoid this apocalypse, as it will affect most people living in the UK. Citizens should take care on the Tube, as the Thames may spontaneously change course and flood the Underground system, and those with asthma might be affected by all the brimstone. Expect traffic delays, millions of gory deaths, and limited opening hours at Sainsbury’s. And do not feed the pigeons,”
The Beezly Street Gazette 
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