bible – The Beezly Street Gazette

Vatican Warns ‘Satan Is Bumming You While You Do Yoga’

The Vatican’s chief exorcist has controversially stated that Yoga causes Satan to have bum sex with you.

Father Gabriel Amorth, who has carried out more then 70 000 exorcisms during his 25 years as the Vatican’s chief exorcist said:

“You see, when you practise Yoga, Satan is actually bumming you really hard and slapping your behind and calling you his little love-pumpkin. And all of his imps are sitting around giggling and smoking crack while they watch. Sometimes he even lets them have a go,”

“Yoga is the devil’s work, and whenever you do a yoga pose, you can be sure that Satan is grinding away behind you, and going ‘mmmmm, yeah, you like that don’t you?’ and spitting in your hair,”

Said the elderly priest, brandishing a crucifix and checking behind the curtains for masturbating demons.

“And Harry Potter, that’s evil as well. Satan personally rubs his big red widge on every page and sticks his tongue in your ear the whole time you are reading it,”

He added:

“Don’t come running to me when your head spins around and you start vomiting locusts. I did warn you,”

A spokesman for the worldwide Yoga association said:

“Oh no, not that bloody loony again. Look. We don’t slag off your religion, so leave ours alone, you weird old bigot. Satan does not have sex with you while you are doing yoga. End of,”

“Yes he does!”

Replied Father Amorth. “And then he wipes his knob on your curtains!”

Photograph from The Telegraph

End Of Days Begins With ‘Blood Rain’ – Pigeon Plague To Follow

The biblical apocalypse is set to begin this weekend with ‘blood rain’, according to forecasters. The MET office issued a statement that said:

“We’re going to have a dry summer after this. Mostly because of an angry God striking the land with a deadly drought, so that even our very bones may turn to dust. But first it’s going to rain blood, and then probably a plague of pigeons or something. It’s all there in the bible,”

Revelation 11:6 says:

“they have power over the waters to turn them into blood and to strike the earth with every kind of plague, as often as they desire.”

The pigeon plague has been confirmed by several visionaries, including a psychic nun at the Vatican. Sister Mary saw “droves of diseased pigeons landing on every surface and turning the country white with deadly guano,”

An apocalypse alert has been issued in London, and health experts have warned the general public to avoid outside activity, worshipping false idols, voting Ukip or eating fish on a Friday.

“Not that there will be many fish, because the oceans and rivers are first going to run red with blood and then dry up like an old sock in a tumble dryer as a punishment for our lascivious wickedness,”

Added the MET office.

“In fact, your best bet for survival is to sacrifice none-believers, renounced your love for Satan and pray the Lord takes pity on your pathetic soul, as you lie dying amidst wailing and gnashing teeth in the crumbling ruins of modern-day Sodem,”

The minister for public safety said:

“There’s really no way to avoid this apocalypse, as it will affect most people living in the UK. Citizens should take care on the Tube, as the Thames may spontaneously change course and flood the Underground system, and those with asthma might be affected by all the brimstone. Expect traffic delays, millions of gory deaths, and limited opening hours at Sainsbury’s. And do not feed the pigeons,”