plague – The Beezly Street Gazette

End Of Days Begins With ‘Blood Rain’ – Pigeon Plague To Follow

The biblical apocalypse is set to begin this weekend with ‘blood rain’, according to forecasters. The MET office issued a statement that said:

“We’re going to have a dry summer after this. Mostly because of an angry God striking the land with a deadly drought, so that even our very bones may turn to dust. But first it’s going to rain blood, and then probably a plague of pigeons or something. It’s all there in the bible,”

Revelation 11:6 says:

“they have power over the waters to turn them into blood and to strike the earth with every kind of plague, as often as they desire.”

The pigeon plague has been confirmed by several visionaries, including a psychic nun at the Vatican. Sister Mary saw “droves of diseased pigeons landing on every surface and turning the country white with deadly guano,”

An apocalypse alert has been issued in London, and health experts have warned the general public to avoid outside activity, worshipping false idols, voting Ukip or eating fish on a Friday.

“Not that there will be many fish, because the oceans and rivers are first going to run red with blood and then dry up like an old sock in a tumble dryer as a punishment for our lascivious wickedness,”

Added the MET office.

“In fact, your best bet for survival is to sacrifice none-believers, renounced your love for Satan and pray the Lord takes pity on your pathetic soul, as you lie dying amidst wailing and gnashing teeth in the crumbling ruins of modern-day Sodem,”

The minister for public safety said:

“There’s really no way to avoid this apocalypse, as it will affect most people living in the UK. Citizens should take care on the Tube, as the Thames may spontaneously change course and flood the Underground system, and those with asthma might be affected by all the brimstone. Expect traffic delays, millions of gory deaths, and limited opening hours at Sainsbury’s. And do not feed the pigeons,”

Rats Demand Compensation For Black Plague Slur

Rats are demanding compensation, after being falsely accused of spreading the bubonic plague.

New evidence suggests it was gerbils that caused the 14^th century outbreak, which killed 100 million people during the European outbreaks.

“We tried to tell you!” say the rats. “But you just screamed and shook a broom at us, and we had to go and live down the toilet and everything. It was most unfair. We’ve been used in laboratory experiments, had cosmetics tested on us, and hunted down like well, vermin,”

Gerbils are thought to have hitched a ride with merchants and travellers on the Silk road, and made their way into Europe with their plague-ridden flea passengers.

The findings completely absolve the rat population of Europe, and the maligned rodents are demanding recompense for nearly a thousand years of being ‘untouchable’.

“We’ve watched as gerbils became beloved family pets, living in modern accommodation and running about on little plastic wheels, and drinking from little water bottles. Our conditions have barely changed since the 14^th century.

“It is only right that we are all adopted immediately, and hand-fed peanuts through the bars of our plush, straw-lined cages,”

Squeaked a spokesrat on ‘The One Show’.

“We’re fed up of living down the dunny & scavenging from takeaway bins. You may think your gerbil is cute, but its ancestors killed millions of people, and it’s probably laughing at you right now. If you people have any sense of decency at all, you’ll flush your so-called cute and loveable gerbil down the bog and allow a respectable rat family to move in,”

It then went on to read a list of demands, such as modifying rattraps to only allow gerbils in, and outlawing phrases like “You dirty rat!”

“And…We want a cuddle!”

It added.