Athiest – The Beezly Street Gazette

Tory ‘Rapture’ Scheduled For Wednesday. Unbelievers Eaten By Demons

The Conservative party have scheduled a ‘rapture’ on Wednesday afternoon, where the faithful will ascend to a new and purer Britain.

Opera singer Katherine Jenkins has been tipped to open proceedings with a rendition of ‘God Save The Queen’. In the new Utopia there will be no food banks, no hooded sweatshirts and no pesky immigrants arriving on boats, fleeing a regime that saw their whole family murdered in front of them. Daily Mail columnist Melanie Phillips has already been appointed Archbishop, and gays and lesbians are automatically excluded from the rapture, to ensure that the weather stays predictable and clement.

Everybody that voted for the Conservative party will literally leave the earth to meet their local MP in the air, and will be guided to a special version of the UK, where they can mix and breed with their own kind.

Those left behind on the day of the Rapture will be eaten by three headed dog-demons the size of ice cream vans, which will issue from Katie Hopkins’s big white Tory arse at half past three in the afternoon. There is no escape from the demons, and the public have been warned to not to even bother trying to run or hide from them.

Image from this website. LOL.

End Of Days Begins With ‘Blood Rain’ – Pigeon Plague To Follow

The biblical apocalypse is set to begin this weekend with ‘blood rain’, according to forecasters. The MET office issued a statement that said:

“We’re going to have a dry summer after this. Mostly because of an angry God striking the land with a deadly drought, so that even our very bones may turn to dust. But first it’s going to rain blood, and then probably a plague of pigeons or something. It’s all there in the bible,”

Revelation 11:6 says:

“they have power over the waters to turn them into blood and to strike the earth with every kind of plague, as often as they desire.”

The pigeon plague has been confirmed by several visionaries, including a psychic nun at the Vatican. Sister Mary saw “droves of diseased pigeons landing on every surface and turning the country white with deadly guano,”

An apocalypse alert has been issued in London, and health experts have warned the general public to avoid outside activity, worshipping false idols, voting Ukip or eating fish on a Friday.

“Not that there will be many fish, because the oceans and rivers are first going to run red with blood and then dry up like an old sock in a tumble dryer as a punishment for our lascivious wickedness,”

Added the MET office.

“In fact, your best bet for survival is to sacrifice none-believers, renounced your love for Satan and pray the Lord takes pity on your pathetic soul, as you lie dying amidst wailing and gnashing teeth in the crumbling ruins of modern-day Sodem,”

The minister for public safety said:

“There’s really no way to avoid this apocalypse, as it will affect most people living in the UK. Citizens should take care on the Tube, as the Thames may spontaneously change course and flood the Underground system, and those with asthma might be affected by all the brimstone. Expect traffic delays, millions of gory deaths, and limited opening hours at Sainsbury’s. And do not feed the pigeons,”