Jobseekers To Receive Punch In Face On Birthday

Labour’s shadow Welfare and Pension’s minister has confirmed that jobseekers who are out of work for more than six months will receive a mandatory punch in the face on their birthday.   The service is free, and was piloted with a voluntary birthday punch in the face scheme.

One jobseeker that took part in the voluntary scheme said:

“They told me they’d sanction my benefits if I didn’t turn up at half past one on my birthday. I was wearing a badge that said “Birthday Boy” on it. The woman behind the desk ripped it off my lapel, threw it out of the window and told me I didn’t deserve to wear badges. Then she asked me to sign a form telling me I would be punched in the face and confirming that it was my birthday. Somebody had written the wrong date down on a form, so that took four days to sort out. Then she put a boxing glove on and twatted me in the nose.”

“It is a very good initiative, and I really feel as though I am being helped back to work. Please don’t sanction my benefits, or I’ll have to eat my own feet or something,”

In a letter to Mr Cameron Miss Rees calls on the government to back the idea.

She writes:

“It’s not fucking rocket surgery. Just get a damned job. Be a bus driver or something. That’s what working class people do isn’t it? Drive busses and eat chicken McNuggets? Anyway, happy birthday you disgusting, smelly poor people.  All 2 million of you,”

“Knackery Is Knackering” Claims Knackered Old Knacker

Claims that running a Knacker’s yard is not actually that knackering are being strenuously denied by Fred Knacker, of Knacker & Knacker’s Knacker’s yard on the outskirts of Knackertown.

“My father was a Knacker, and he was always knackered. Knackery is a very knackering profession. He’d spend all day stacking knackered old knackers until he was too knackered to stack. Kids these days don’t know what being knackered is. I’m looking for an apprentice knacker stacker, but nobody knows how to stack knackers properly, never mind not getting too knackered,”

Said Mr. Knacker, as he stacked the old knackers in a tidy knacker stack.

“I’ll be ready for the knacker’s yard myself if I stack any more knackers today. I’m bloody knackered. But I’ll have to get up and stack more knackers all day tomorrow. If anybody tells you it’s easy, they’ve never stacked a pile of knackered old knackers in their life. It’s bloody knackering,”

Scheme To Support Local Bullshit In Politics

A new scheme to support northern bullshit in politics has been proposed in the House of Lords. Once up and running, it should help usher in a new age of political bullshit in the North of England.

“We’re fed up of all that soft, shandy-drinking London bullshit,” said an MP. “What we’re proposing is a low-cost, environmentally friendly alternative. People forget that there’s plenty of bullshit around up North. Horseshit too. It’s just not as glittery and attractive, but northern politics is potentially capable of generating huge amounts of both bullshit and horseshit,”

The controversial bill, which would involve paying farmers even more money to turn large areas of sheep pasture in Wales into fields of male cows fed on purple GMO ‘Frankengrass’, is expected to pass next week.

When asked about the possibility of the North one day being able to sustain its own bullshit without requiring a truckload of southern bullshit to keep it going, Mr. Prescott said:

“By ‘eck, it’s bloody easy. All you have to do is get a load of bulls, feed’em some special grass and shovel up the muck,”

The North of England has traditionally clamped down on its use of bullshit in politics, favouring ‘No Bullshit’ leaders such as Arthur Skargill. But experts warn that social media is a huge consumer of bullshit.

“The amount of bullshit needed to maintain even just one London MP’s Twitter account could have kept an entire party afloat for a whole year in 1994,” warns beardy social media expert Martin Twat.

“Northern politicians are under enormous pressure to keep up with the levels of sycophantic bullshittery written by overpaid P.A.s in the south. It can take up to one entire male cow turd per tweet to produce that kind of carefully worded, self-important rot, and current levels of northern bullshit aren’t enough to sustain it long-term,”

Yorkshire People ‘Require Training’ Before Using London Escalators

People from the county of Yorkshire are to be targeted in a government initiative to speed up movement around the London Underground system.

“Have you ever seen somebody from Leeds stepping onto an escalator? It’s like they’ve walked into the moon for the first time,” said the designer of the scheme.

“They’re all like OMG the stairs are moving. I must be on a drug,”

The 3 year survey that pinpointed people from the Yorkshire area also indicated that elderly women from Dewsbury are particularly likely to cause public pile ups. One ‘danger zone’ highlighted was the area just outside the ticket gates.

“We’ve seen it time & time again. Stopping just in front of the gates and carefully putting her Oyster card away in a special little sodding pocket at the bottom of her handbag, because you can’t be too careful in London. Meanwhile she’s caused a ten passenger pile-up to the rear, blocked the ticket entrance, and the poor sod behind her big fat arse ends up grinding a pensioner,”

Checkpoints between Leeds & London are to be trialed next year. Passengers will be escorted to a training facility to learn how to stand on an escalator without offering other passengers pork scratchings, pretending to surf or blocking impatient London people with important London deadlines.

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