wildlife – The Beezly Street Gazette

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

A leaked email from Atos to Prime Minster David Cameron describes British foxes as “scrounging little furry gits” and “thieving hippies”, and details plans to put them on a compulsory back to work scheme in the “outdoor entertainment industry”.

Foxes will be offered employment in several industries including childcare, retail and ambulance driving. The compulsory hunting scheme will only be enforced if they do not fill in and return the paperwork issued to them in a reasonable amount of time, and attend a Work Capability Assessment at their nearest town or city.

The E-mail concluded by proposing that the scheme could be extended to other wildlife such as the brown hare, which could be offered seasonal posts in supermarkets and cafes, or on a local a dog track. The greater horseshoe bat, currently a protected species in the UK would make an “ideal night watchman or bakery supervisor”, and it was also suggested that hedgehogs could be used to serve cocktail sausages at Tory functions, or risk having their benefits sanctioned and being used as bowling balls by drunken Eton boys on a weekend in the country.

The current law, which protects foxes from both hunting and Atos, was described as “archaic” and “out of touch”. TV personality Basil Brush reacted to the news by issuing a statement that said:

“Bloody typical, smug, barbaric, bloodthirsty bastards. And that’s swearing. Boom boom!”

Pandas Are Rubbish And Lack Ambition, Study Confirms

One of the most beloved and endangered animals in the world, the giant panda is in danger of dying out because “they’re just a bit rubbish really”, according to experts.

The giant panda is interesting to researchers for many reasons. One of the most unusual things about this animal is that its wrist bone has evolved into a rudimentary ‘thumb’, unlike most animals with paws. This gives it enormous dexterity compared with other bears and other animals.

Researchers used a computer simulation of several types to animal, to simulate what would happen if various other species of animal developed an opposable thumb. The simulation of a dolphin colony in the experiment developed their own musical instruments with shells and stones, while the domestic cats modelled in the experiment locked their owners out of the house and used the family laptop to order a kebab.

“However, when we gave the computer generated pandas larger, more powerful thumbs and greater dexterity, they simply went “Oh tar, I can pick up more bamboo now” and carried on sitting around and not having sex with each other,”

Said a researcher at a panda conservation site in China.

“While most species operate on a ‘survival of the fittest’ or at least a ‘ooh, better just watch meself a bit, might get eaten or summat’ mentality, as they struggle to feed themselves and procreate, the giant panda is simply not arsed about any of that stuff. They do occasionally eat other types of food if bamboo is not available, and they’ll get up and go for a walk, and occasionally have a shag if they can really be arsed, but apart from that, being a cute panda is their full time occupation. They’re like the Instagram Girls of the bear world,”

The development of panda Viagra and other methods that will allow pandas to procreate in greater numbers is being funded by campaigns worldwide.

“But it’s a jolly good thing they’re so bloody pretty and cute,”

Said the researcher.

“You don’t catch warthogs and blob fish sitting about looking all photogenic. They’d have gone extinct years ago if they had the same attitude as pandas,”