weight loss – The Beezly Street Gazette

‘Love, Honor And Puree’ – Woman Marries Nutribullet

A 35 year old woman from Leeds, UK has married her Nutribullet blender, after owning it for three days.

“I’ve never felt so fulfilled,”

Said the woman, after ditching her smoothie maker and juicer for the swanky ‘Magic Bullet’ blender that can pulverize carrots and even nuts.

“I’m obsessed with it. I can’t stop putting different types of food into it and turning them into pulp, and running around the house with a glass of mango and spirulina smoothie forcing people to look at the texture of it and drink it. It’s like being a crack addict, but ten times more annoying,”

The bride’s best friend said:

“If she mentions that sodding blender one more time, I’m going to stick it up her (censored). She hasn’t shut up about liquidating carrots and beetroot since she took it out of the box, which she probably liquidised with a handful of collard greens and drank. But I’m glad she’s happy,”

During the short ceremony, the happy couple promise to “love, honor and puree” and were showered with rose petals, which the Magic Bullet promptly turned into a nutritious paste that can be added to soup.

Are You Beach Body Ready?

You’ve read the adverts, you’ve seen the infomercials, and now you too can be ‘Beach Body Ready’ with a military issue body bag!

Objectors to the new trend say it’s “morbid” and “creepy” and “restrictive”. But we say going on holiday is about what total strangers think of your ass, rather than enjoying yourself and having fun.

As we all know, beaches are not allowed to be fun unless you look like a fitness model. So volleyball, paddling, swimming and sunbathing are holiday no-nos for you I’m afraid. Somebody might look at your butt, and then where will we be? In hell, that’s where. And it will be all your fault for having an ordinary butt.

Instead of walking about or swimming on the beach in a bikini or swimsuit, you simply zip yourself into the bag and pretend to be a corpse for the duration of your holiday. As you can see from the photo, you won’t miss out on your holiday Pina Colada – simply unzip the bag and quickly take a drink while no-one is looking. You could even get one of those big long bendy straws and feed it through a tiny hole in the zip. Just take care to remain motionless, or somebody might call the paramedics.

This radical new beachwear solves all of your completely out-of-proportion body woes in one wipe-clean swish of a zip, and doubles as a dry cleaning bag when you get home.

Crafty gals can cut slits in the bottom of the bag, so that they can walk about in the dead of night without disturbing anyone’s holiday by not looking like Christy Turlington.

Black is an incredibly slimming colour, and we’re sure you’ll love hiding your awful, terrible, imperfect body away by pretending to be dead during your holiday.

The 100% opaque outer casing of the bag deflects the sun’s harmful UV rays, so there is no need to wear sun lotion. How liberating is that? And you’ll sweat so much inside the plastic bag that you will lose up to ten pounds over the course of a week. Imagine that – going on holiday and coming back a whole ten pounds lighter! You can enjoy all of these benefits and more by simply zipping up and lying down. We bet you’re really looking forward to your week in the sun now.