Apple To Release I-Wasp In Time For Summer

We didn’t even know that we needed a remote-controlled glass wasp that could fly about and sting people, as well as store your contacts and download books from Kindle. But we sure do now.

Computer brand Apple has announced plans to launch their new bionic insect iWasp in time for this year’s festivals and barbeques.

With all the intuitive functionality you’d expect from an Apple product, the iWasp is a ‘stingable computing’ smartwasp type device that flies about inflicting painful stings on other users, and licks their lollies at the park or in the garden.

Features include voice activation, a choice of buzzing sounds, a retractable stinger, refillable venom sac and a moveable head. The iWasp can eat a variety of sugary substances, but prefers melted ice creams and fruit juice stains.

This year’s festivals are certainly going to be buzzing, as thousands of pre-orders have already been placed.

An excited Apple fan from Coventry said:

“I can’t wait the get the iWasp for the Download festival. Instead of spending the whole time looking at my ‘phone and taking pictures of things and putting them on Facebook, I’m going to be ordering my iWasp to sting people in the neck, and then filming their reaction and putting it on Twitter,”

Photo from http://www.cgtrader.com/3d-models/weapon-military/armor/robot-wasp

Wasps ‘Even Bigger Pricks Than Jellyfish’

After a 12 year study concluded that Jellyfish are just horrible, pointless bastards, insect anthropologists have been quick to point out that wasps are much bigger pricks than jellyfish.

All biologists agreed that there is no point to jellyfish at all, but wasps are a necessary part of the ecosystem, even though they are gigantic pricks.

“Any creature that would viciously sting some poor sod innocently building a sandcastle on the beach is clearly a complete and total bastard, and both wasps and jellyfish would not hesitate to sting you in the face or on the end of your knob for absolutely no reason.”

Said a statement from the Institute of Stingy Insects.

“The difference is though, that jellyfish don’t really know they’re stinging you. They’re probably just swimming up to sniff your leg or something. Or getting stranded on the beach, because they’re not very bright.”

The scientists studying the jellyfish agreed with the insect anthropologists that wasps were both bastards and pricks, while jellyfish were just bastards. They did however point out that jellyfish are extremely stupid, while wasps at least have rudimentary intelligence. This would make them stupid bastards, rather than just bastards.

Dr. Gordon Bennett, a wasp expert from the Institute of Stingy Insects said:

“Being a jellyfish doesn’t involve much, and there’s really only one rule, which is to stay in the fucking water. It’s not like there isn’t enough water in the entire sea to swim about in. But they can’t even manage to do that half the time. A creature with the brain of a lard sandwich can’t sting you on purpose.

Wasps are just gits though. They’ll sting you on the arse for fun and then get all their mates involved. That makes them much bigger pricks than jellyfish. They’re like the football hooligans of the insect world. Just massive dickheads that nobody wants to share a pub garden with,”

Pomerainon Wasps Threaten To Torture Lobster Wasps Live On The Internet.

Pomeranian Bollock Wasps have responded to the childish taunts issued by North Korean Lobster Wasps, by building a torture chamber housed in a tiny TV studio.

The film appeared on Youtube, with actor hornets wearing comedy plastic claws playing the roles of the captured Pomeranian wasps.

The torture chamber is contained within a glass outer casing. There are several themed torture chambers that the captured hornets must pass through, after they have investigated the half-eaten Mr. Whippy cone that lies just inside the cunningly disguised entrance.

The entrance is hung with tiny velvet curtains, and a couple of sexy wasps with harem trousers and veils dance outside of it.  And a neon sign in the shape of a melted Rowntrees fruit lolly.

The captured wasp was is first strapped to a tiny bed, and subjected to degrading mechanical experiments of a sexual nature.

While this is going on, a tiny window appears with blue clouds and happy wasps flying about and stinging people.  The wasp (degraded and broken by now) suddenly regains its hope for the future and struggles to break free.

The cruel straps break, and the wasp flies towards the window – only to bash into it and fall into a massive silver sink, which is uncovered via a trapdoor in the floor.

If it survives flailing about a bit in the water, perhaps climbing onto a bit of potato peeling for safety, it will fly into the next room, which is even more deadly and degrading. This is left to the imagination of the viewer, but a dentist type drill can be heard in the background.

The final room is the execution room.  Guard Hornets grab the wasp again and force it into a chair that is splattered with that stuff that comes out of wasps, you know, wasp juice.  A tiny colander thing comes down upon its head.  It looks up to see a large hornet in a black hood with its leg on a switch. The lights flicker and the film ends.

Pomeranian Bollock Wasps issued a statement within 5 minutes of the film being uploaded to Youtube. It simply said:

“Alright, calm your tits you crazy bastards. We’ve decided to go to Australia instead,”

Korean Lobster Wasps Issue Disembowling Threat

This is the fourth in a five part series on the effect of climate change on our insect population.

In response to hostile behaviour from the Pomeranian Bollock-Wasp, the Lobster Wasps of North Korea have issued a statement, in the form of a mysterious parchment approximately 2 inches long.

The tiny document is made of chewed up newspaper, and features several lines of enigmatic symbols. Above the wasproglyphics is a finely rendered drawing of the head of a Korean soldier wasp. It appears to be wearing the balls of a Pomeranian worker wasp as a hat.

“This is most unusual,” said Doctor Gordon Bennet, poring over the tiny manuscript with a magnifying glass. “They must have some kind of technology that we are not fully aware of. This is very intimidating behaviour,”

Dr. Bennet is still decoding the unusual text at the bottom of the page.

“My best guess is that it describes a situation where the Korean wasps are flying about laughing hysterically, wearing hats made out of the balls of the Bollock wasps, after ruthlessly slaughtering their entire colony and daubing obscene drawings and taboo wasp swear words on the wall in excrement, and then uploading the footage to Youtube as a warning,”

Read part 1 here

Pomeranian Bollock Wasps Claim They Will ‘Sting Lobster Wasps In The Face’

Part 3 of a 5 part series on global warming, and how it is affecting our insect population.

Neither species has reached our shore yet, but Pomeranian Bolllock-Wasps are already claiming that they are going to “Fuck up” the North Korean species, and ‘Make effigies of their leader Kim Jong Wasp out of chewed up newspaper, and then shit on them”

 

“We will sting them in the arse, and then we will sting them in the face,” said a spokeswasp in a statement earlier today.

“This is a worrying development,” said Doctor Gordon Bennet, from the research foundation Why Wasps Are Such Pricks (WWASP).

“The species are naturally territorial and hostile towards one another. But this kind of taunting and name calling has not been observed before.,”

Footage of Lobster wasps waving little banners and making rude gestures with their claws has reached the Internet. Scientists are working on decoding the crudely scrawled banners carried by the Lobster wasps, but they are thought to be insults referencing both the genitals, and the dearly beloved mothers of the Pomeranian Bollock wasp population.

“Both species are set to land somewhere around the Bournemouth area early this summer,”

Said Dr. Bennet.

“They may miss each other completely. Or we could see the insects rioting on the beach, in what the media will inevitably dub “Wasprophenia”

Read part 1 of this breaking story here.

Pomeranian Bollock-Wasps To Also Invade South Coast

The second in a 5 part series on the effects of global warming on the UK’s insect population.

Another unwelcome visitor to our native shores, the Pomeranian Bollock-Wasp a smaller, more deadly species of hornet than the North Korean Lobster Wasp, has been reported as far south as France last summer.

Named for the dangling, testicle like protrusions on their lower abdomens, these wasps are hot-headed, impulsive and deliver an agonising sting for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Originally from Pomerania, populations of the small and angry hornet have been spreading across the world with the rise of global warming.

Expert’s speculations vary about the species meeting in the UK, with some bug biologists warning that they could breed, producing a sparrow sized hornet with a sting the size of a hypodermic needle, earwig-like claws and a set of giggleberries like a six month old Saint Bernard. But stingy insect anthropologist Doctor Gordon Bennet claims that this is “extremely unlikely” as the North Korean wasps would kick the shit out of them and probably eat them balls-first before any breeding could occur.

Tension between the Korean and Pomeranian wasp species has been recorded in the past by Victorian scholars, who witnessed the Lobster wasps waving their claws “in a lewd and ungodly manner” outside the Bollock wasp’s nest, before being chased into the trees by a swarm of angry, large-testicaled hornets armed with tiny twigs and stones.

Both species of wasps are highly intelligent, and are rumoured to have invented their own versions of ice-cream, wrestling (with highly complex rules) and a sort of wasp version of the TV channels Sky Sports and Dave.

“Naturalists claim to have seen tiny TVs, wasps licking little ice cream cones and witnessed wasp wrestling matches,”

Said Dr. Bennet.

“But so far no-one has photographed or properly recorded them. They are well known to use rudimentary tools such as twigs, thorns and small stones in both building and warfare, but it remains to be seen if they will bring this technology to the UK, when they invade our shores this summer,”

This is part 2 in a 5 part series on the effects of global warming on the UK’s insect population.  Read Part 1 here.

 

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