‘Wasps Can Still F*** Off’ Claim Animal Lovers

Britain is famously a nation of animal lovers, and numbers of vegetarians, vegans and anti cruelty supporters are growing. But wasps can still f*** right off, according to many animal loving Brits.


Margaret Otter, who runs a sanctuary for abandoned pets, including turtles, tarantulas and lizards said;

“I’ve got a special spray that I use to kill them, and then I watch them die, and then I chop off their head with a plastic picnic knife, pop it on a cocktail stick and stand it by the gate as a warning to other wasps,”

A hunt saboteur from Hampshire said;

“I love all animals apart from wasps. If one flew near me while I was reading, I would definitely twat it with the book, even if it meant getting a bit of wasp juice on the book,”

Martin Carrot, a vegan since the 1960’s said:

“Hey come on. It’s wasps we’re talking about here, not butterflies or bees. It’s like they deliberately pick on you when you’re innocently going about your business. I wouldn’t kill or eat one, but I’ve got absolutely no sympathy for them,”

Reasons for disliking wasps varied, and included “hanging around and being annoying when you’re trying to make jam” and “building nests in the eaves of your house”. But “stinging people for no good reason,” and “well, they’re just bastards aren’t they?” were two of the most popular reasons for disliking wasps.

“I’m against animal testing,”

Said an animal rights protester in Manchester.

“But if someone poured shampoo into a wasp’s eye and made it smoke tobacco, I probably wouldn’t give a shit,”

Wasps ‘Even Bigger Pricks Than Jellyfish’

After a 12 year study concluded that Jellyfish are just horrible, pointless bastards, insect anthropologists have been quick to point out that wasps are much bigger pricks than jellyfish.


All biologists agreed that there is no point to jellyfish at all, but wasps are a necessary part of the ecosystem, even though they are gigantic pricks.

“Any creature that would viciously sting some poor sod innocently building a sandcastle on the beach is clearly a complete and total bastard, and both wasps and jellyfish would not hesitate to sting you in the face or on the end of your knob for absolutely no reason.”

Said a statement from the Institute of Stingy Insects.

“The difference is though, that jellyfish don’t really know they’re stinging you. They’re probably just swimming up to sniff your leg or something. Or getting stranded on the beach, because they’re not very bright.”

The scientists studying the jellyfish agreed with the insect anthropologists that wasps were both bastards and pricks, while jellyfish were just bastards. They did however point out that jellyfish are extremely stupid, while wasps at least have rudimentary intelligence. This would make them stupid bastards, rather than just bastards.

Dr. Gordon Bennett, a wasp expert from the Institute of Stingy Insects said:

“Being a jellyfish doesn’t involve much, and there’s really only one rule, which is to stay in the fucking water. It’s not like there isn’t enough water in the entire sea to swim about in. But they can’t even manage to do that half the time. A creature with the brain of a lard sandwich can’t sting you on purpose.

Wasps are just gits though. They’ll sting you on the arse for fun and then get all their mates involved. That makes them much bigger pricks than jellyfish. They’re like the football hooligans of the insect world. Just massive dickheads that nobody wants to share a pub garden with,”

North Korean Lobster Wasp Set To Invade South Coast

The first in a 5 part series on the effects of global warming on the UK’s insect population.

lobster wasp

Swarms of mildly pissed-off killer hornets with massive lobster claws from North Korea are set to invade our shores this Easter, warns DEFRA.

The hornets, which are not known to have left North Korea before, are likely to become startled by western bees. This could lead to decimation of already fragile bee populations. It is not uncommon for UK bees to mock their leader Kim Jong Wasp, by creating unflattering sculptures of him out of chewed-up wax.

The Korean Lobster Wasp is so named because of its unusual mandibles, which resemble lobster claws. These can slice off our smaller, native wasp and bee head in a single pincer movement. These heads are often mounted on the walls of wasp’s nests on a little plaque made out of a discarded lolly stick.

 bee head

During the summer months, western working wasps are left with time on their hands after raising their broods, and roam around getting tanked up on fermented fruits, causing trouble and drunkenly picking on other insects. This has led to riots between insect populations.

A spokesperson for Bug Conservation UK advised that all wasps should be treated with caution, especially during the summer months when they gorge on fermented fruit and get blind drunk.

“Don’t try to twat them with a rolled up newspaper when you’re in a beer garden. You may be both pissed as farts, but they’re quicker than you. Just politely ask them to move on and try not to stare them down, or they will sting you in the face for fun. Because they are bastards,”

He added “And if you see a wasp with massive pincers like a lobster, put your drink down and run like fuck,”

Read about the even more deadly Pomeranian Bollock Wasp in part 2 of this 5 part series on global warming and insect populations.