vote – The Beezly Street Gazette

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Patron saint of Ireland Saint Patrick has advised Irish people that aren’t gay to avoid marrying people of the same sex “to prevent any awkwardness and suchlike”.

Speaking in a disembodied voice from a patch of shamrocks near the reputed burial place of the visionary missionary, Saint Patrick advised the population that the referendum mostly wouldn’t affect them at all unless they were gay, in which case it would be “brilliant”.

“There’s a lot of confusion about this issue, and people are worried that it’s the slippery slope to marrying goats, upsetting baby Jesus and floods. But if the people of Ireland take a few sensible precautions, lads that don’t want to marry a fella should be able to avoid any problems with the proposed change in the law. The same goes for girls,”

Said the ghostly voice of the legendary holy man.

“There’s absolutely no need for anyone to get their knickers in a twist. Baby Jesus is fine about it, and just wants everyone to love each other and all that. And let’s face it, it’s a great excuse for a knees-up,”

Nobody Willing To Admit To Voting Tory

A post election poll shows that nobody in the UK appeared to vote for the conservative party, apart from a handful of posh old fruitcakes that don’t give a shit what people think, because they’re ancient and loaded.

The survey, conducted by a random sampling of Facebook user’s updates that contained the words “vote” or “election” reveals that users are unwilling to admit to voting Conservative, even if they did. The majority of posts mention the Labour party, followed by the Liberal Democrat and Green parties. Posts in support of the Conservative party are conspicuously absent.

It is thought that a combination of guilt for being a self-serving, greedy little bastard that doesn’t give a shit about anything apart from money, and the baying mobs gathering in several parts of the country are to blame. An alternative theory is that the election was rigged. But of course this only happens in countries run by corrupt, narcissistic despots