Porn Star Outed As Ukip Candidate

“I’ll never be able to look at his wrinkly old balls bouncing back and forth in the same way again,”

The words of one former fan of veteran porn baron Johnny Rockard from Bristol, after was outed as ‘John Langley’, parliamentary candidate for Ukip.

“It just makes me feel so dirty,”

Said another fan on Twitter.

After it was revealed that porn star Jonny Rockard was in fact Ukip parliamentary candidate ‘John Langley’, a senior porn official has stated that the industry is “proud” to represent people, whatever they do in their private lives – but that Rockard’s other career might compromise his movies.

“After all, we make a living sticking things up people’s bottoms, and we’re as diverse and bisexual as they cum, so we’re not really in a position to judge anyone. Unlike Ukip, we’re accepting of everybody. We’re very disappointed in Johnny, as this is all a bit distasteful and sordid. He’s going to have to have a long, hard, throbbing think about his future in this industry,”

Popular porn actress Busty McGuire has hit out at the revelation, saying she is “disgusted” and calling for his resignation from the grot industry, saying:

“This is entirely inappropriate, and I think he should resign. Porn is truly one of the most diverse, supportive and accepting industries. We all understand what it’s like to be the targets of discrimination and hate because of who we are, and I am just appalled that somebody within our ranks has turned out to be a dirty old Ukipper,”

Misophonia – Why You Get Angry When You Hear People Chew

We’ve all witnessed somebody eating with their mouth open, and probably felt like punching them in the face because it’s disgusting. But what if this made you feel almost uncontrollable rage?

A new study into a condition called Misophonia, that causes sufferers to become extremely stabby when they hear people chewing, claims to have pinpointed the exact cause of the problem.

The disorder, that makes sufferers want to kick the sandwich out of the noisy eater’s hand and poke them in the eye with a cocktail stick, is described as a selective sound sensitivity disorder.

The scientist that carried out the new study, herself a sufferer of mild Misophonia said:

“We’ve been looking at this all wrong and treating it as if it something weird and strange, instead of a perfectly sane reaction to a grown-assed adult chomping crisps on the Tube like the back end of a bin lorry. For heaven’s sake, were you raised by wolves or something? Can’t you bloody well hear yourself? Nobody wants to see food going around in your mouth like cement in a mixer. If you put a microphone up to your grandmother’s vagina while she was doing star jumps, that’s exactly how you sound. Grown-assed human beings that eat with their mouths open should be executed by firing squad, or at the very least locked away from civilised society. We shouldn’t be inventing diseases to excuse them,”

Common trigger noises for a fit of Misophonic rage, during which the sufferer is torn between setting fire to the maker of the slurpy noise, and running away with their hands over their ears, can include slurping, licking and gargling. The scientist claims that the problem lies with the maker of the noise, not the Misophonia sufferer.

“It’s just disgusting. You wouldn’t just drop your trousers and take a dump on the table in a café, so why do we need to see your sandwich waving goodbye?”

The scientist has called for Misophonia research funding to be cancelled, and all grants to be directed towards the anti-social mouth-breathers that have failed to master the art of closing their kissers in public when they eat.

“I really feel that some kind of aversion therapy would be effective. Such as if it was legal to punch people in the face if they don’t remember to shut their cakehole when it’s full of fries, the dirty beggers,”

Kanye To Charge £20 A Month To Bugger Off

Some of the biggest names in the music business are supporting Kanye West’s new scheme, to pay him £20 a month just to bugger off.

UK music fans are eagerly anticipating the new service, which will effectively remove Kanye and his pointless dipstick of a wife from their Facebook and Twitter feeds, radio and TV broadcasts, and even magazine articles.

“I literally cannot wait to hook up to TIDAL,”

Said a UK music fan.

“I’m absolutely sick to the arse of the silly twunt. It would be brilliant if he could just bog off and not be on the telly and the Internet all the bloody time,”

According to TechCrunch, the service currently has 35,000 subscribers, gladly paying £20 a month to never have to see, hear or read about Kanye West ever again. Many customers have simply shouted:

“Shut up and take my money!”

Before handing over their credit card details to telephone operators.

Last month, Jay Z or Shawn to his Mum, briefed a particularly annoying group of VIPs including Chris Martin, Nicki Minaj, and irritating electronic hipsters Daft Punk. He explained that people would probably pay just as much money to not have to listen to them all the time, as they would for an album and a handful of singles.

Although some stars attended the meeting in person, other equally pointless VIPS such as Usher joined in by video conference, as the temptation to nuke the building might have proved too much if they’d all turned up at once.

Touching Poem From Heavy Metal Granny Goes Viral

An elderly heavy metal fan, who lived to the grand old age of 117 has left behind a touching poem for her 18 year old granddaughter.

Margaret “Motorhead” Braithwaite from Burlsem, Stoke-On-Trent, tragically passed away last Wednesday.   Her daughter found this heartfelt advice in her belongings. Addressed to her great granddaughter Kim, also a fan of bands such as Rammstien, it was shared on social media as a tribute, and has since gone viral.

“It is really touching and sweet, and I will treasure this forever,”

Said Kim.

Margaret’s poem:

I’ve had a long and lovely life

And now I’m old and grey

I’d like to share a secret

That has helped me on my way

Heavy metal, sex and drugs

Are brilliant things to do

If anybody says they’re not

Just smile and say…

Thank you!

My memories are so precious to me

Do you remember the Download all dayer?

When your dear old Granddad lifted me up

So I could show my tits to off to Slayer

Having kinks when you’re old is much less of a chore

It gets easier as every year passes

I used to tie up and blindfold your Granddad

And now I just hide his best glasses

And I’ll never forget the time, my dear

Just after we’d been to a party

Your Granddad had banged me so jolly hard

The neighbours thought we’d been bombed by the Nazis.

Or that time out in Spain, where I got a tattoo

And was up until 4am raving

Then we found German scat on channel 900

And now we’re both banned from Haven

So remember, just because you get old

And your bits and bobs go slightly crinkly

You don’t have to stop living or listening to metal

Just because your bum’s gone a bit wrinkly

All my love,

Granny Margaret.

P.S. METAL FOREVER!

Tesco Moves Daffodils Away From Sharks

Supermarkets are being urged to keep daffodil bulbs away from live sharks, in case people mistake live sharks for flowers and try to plant them in the garden.

In a letter to major supermarkets, Public Health UK warned that deadly species of shark such as the Hammerhead could easily be confused with daffodils, and that trying to plant a live shark in a daffodil bed was “An emerging risk,”

Shark bites are not unheard of in the UK, after some green-fingered consumers mistakenly put a 6 foot, angry juvenile basking shark in their trolley instead of a daffodil bulb. Tom Biscuit, a pensioner from Hull had his arm bitten off by a young tiger shark in 1994.

“I didn’t read the label properly, and I just put it in my basket. My wife asked me if a daffodil bulb was supposed to be flopping about angrily in the trolley and trying to bite other customers, but I thought it must be a new species of daffodil or something. When I was trying to strap it to the roof of my car to take it home, it lunged forward and bit my arm off, and then dropped dead of exhaustion. It took my wife all day to plant it in the garden, and we haven’t seen a single daffodil from it.”

He added:

“Supermarkets have a responsibility to clearly label sharks and daffodils. This could have happened to anyone,”

A spokesperson for Tesco said:

“We have taken steps to clearly label both sharks and daffodils, and place them at opposite ends of the store to avoid this kind of confusion in the future.  Our shark tanks will have massive arrows pointing to them saying ‘This is not a daffodil bulb, please do not attempt to plant a shark in your garden,'”

Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

Sex To Be Replaced With Crossfit

BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

Chemtrails Are ‘Just Aeroplanes Trumping’ Claims Kylie Jenner

Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts