Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

New research shows that vegetables and other plants “scream blue murder” as they are cooked or eaten. Although inaudible to the human ear, a special listening device placed on various vegetables turned the making of a simple salad into a “holocaust of horror”.

In a study on carrots, scientists found that carrots did not scream in a basket at the supermarket, or when placed into the salad shelf of a fridge. But according to researchers:

“The screaming began when the carrot was placed on a chopping board and peeled with a knife. And then all of the vegetables started screaming. It was like the front row of a One Direction concert. Disturbing stuff.

Said the scientist, who has since given up all fruits and vegetables, apart from ones he can sneak up on and quickly throw into boiling water “for a more humane death”.

“At least animals are dead when you eat them,” he added, shuddering.

‘Love, Honor And Puree’ – Woman Marries Nutribullet

A 35 year old woman from Leeds, UK has married her Nutribullet blender, after owning it for three days.

“I’ve never felt so fulfilled,”

Said the woman, after ditching her smoothie maker and juicer for the swanky ‘Magic Bullet’ blender that can pulverize carrots and even nuts.

“I’m obsessed with it. I can’t stop putting different types of food into it and turning them into pulp, and running around the house with a glass of mango and spirulina smoothie forcing people to look at the texture of it and drink it. It’s like being a crack addict, but ten times more annoying,”

The bride’s best friend said:

“If she mentions that sodding blender one more time, I’m going to stick it up her (censored). She hasn’t shut up about liquidating carrots and beetroot since she took it out of the box, which she probably liquidised with a handful of collard greens and drank. But I’m glad she’s happy,”

During the short ceremony, the happy couple promise to “love, honor and puree” and were showered with rose petals, which the Magic Bullet promptly turned into a nutritious paste that can be added to soup.

‘Wasps Can Still F*** Off’ Claim Animal Lovers

Britain is famously a nation of animal lovers, and numbers of vegetarians, vegans and anti cruelty supporters are growing. But wasps can still f*** right off, according to many animal loving Brits.

Margaret Otter, who runs a sanctuary for abandoned pets, including turtles, tarantulas and lizards said;

“I’ve got a special spray that I use to kill them, and then I watch them die, and then I chop off their head with a plastic picnic knife, pop it on a cocktail stick and stand it by the gate as a warning to other wasps,”

A hunt saboteur from Hampshire said;

“I love all animals apart from wasps. If one flew near me while I was reading, I would definitely twat it with the book, even if it meant getting a bit of wasp juice on the book,”

Martin Carrot, a vegan since the 1960’s said:

“Hey come on. It’s wasps we’re talking about here, not butterflies or bees. It’s like they deliberately pick on you when you’re innocently going about your business. I wouldn’t kill or eat one, but I’ve got absolutely no sympathy for them,”

Reasons for disliking wasps varied, and included “hanging around and being annoying when you’re trying to make jam” and “building nests in the eaves of your house”. But “stinging people for no good reason,” and “well, they’re just bastards aren’t they?” were two of the most popular reasons for disliking wasps.

“I’m against animal testing,”

Said an animal rights protester in Manchester.

“But if someone poured shampoo into a wasp’s eye and made it smoke tobacco, I probably wouldn’t give a shit,”

Fat Girls Banned From Trendy Yoga Studios

We caught up with Ocean Breeze from the British Warren of Yoga Bunnies, to ask her why she has controversially banned size 12 and above women from attending her yoga classes.

“It’s just not the image I want to project,”

Said the yoga teacher and Warren spokeswoman, standing on her head in her Laura Ashley kitchen and preparing a quinoa and wheatgrass salad with her feet.

“They reek of white bread and supermarket wine, and one of them was joking about needing a kebab on the way home, to recover from an hour of Bikram. When you do a lot of yoga and keep your body pure, you develop an acute sense of smell, and it’s off-putting to true yoga fans to have these sloths lumping themselves around in the studio,”

When asked if banning larger ladies from daylight classes was in any way prompted by personal prejudice, Ocean Breeze said:

“I am not thinking of myself here, but of all my lovely, tiny, slim yoga bunnies, who have long tolerated the presence of meat eaters, social smokers and dairy consumers. Only yesterday, in our Covent Garden studio (a beautiful space with great energy), a man attended our class, and his shirt fell over his face during the ‘Stork Bumming A Dead Penguin’ pose, and he didn’t even have a six-pack. We try not to judge, so we didn’t say anything. But during the ‘Downward Facing Dog’ pose, he broke wind with great force into the face of the size four vegan behind him, and it smelled of rotting Vindaloo. She’s still in a coma now, and her family are playing whale song 24/7 to wake her up.

“It can be dangerous to have these people in the studio with smaller yoga bunnies,”

Ms Breeze continued, while gracefully returning to a standing posture and staring at her perfect abs in the mirror for several minutes.

“In L.A. a woman with cellulite was attempting the tree pose for the first time, and fell over onto a skeletal yoga instructor, who’d been living off cherry pits and salt licks for the last twenty years, and killed her. That yoga sloth has blood on her hands,”

Understandably shaken and slightly de-yogafied by these recollections, Breeze leads me through to the living room of her airy Highgate apartment. We drink Rooibos tea, and she offers me a slice of carrot. The walls are tastefully decorated with a mish-mash of spiritual symbols from other cultures, including that blue dude from Ikea.

When asked if people of all shapes and sizes should even be allowed to practise yoga, even if they’re not stick thin, middle class, slightly arty gluten free vegans with a Buddha in their front room, she replied:

“Well, I suppose they could. But they should do it at home, or rent a working men’s club or something. Nobody wants to see disgusting, imperfect people standing on one leg. It’s obscene,”

Guest post by Ruby Tuesday.

Evangelical Meat-Eating Keyboard Warriors ‘Insecure Bullies With Small Willies’

A new study on people that type things like ‘Mmmm dead piggy sandwich, yum yum yum’ onto the status updates of Vegans on Facebook, and then justify it with claims that vegans are miserable control freaks with no friends that deserve to be casually abused on the Internet, suggests that they are ‘mostly lying’ about run-ins with pushy vegan Nazis trying to ban sausages for no reason.

“I’d go as far as to call them insecure bullies with small willies,” said the scientist that carried out the experiment. “There’s very little evidence to suggest that vegans are actually harassing meat eaters or even moaning at them very much at all. If posting pictures of cute animals and asking people to consider not eating them constitutes harassment, then my 12 year old niece must be public enemy number one,”

Participants in the study were asked to recount an occasion where they actually felt bullied or verbally put-down by a vegan, in relation to their own diet. To ensure an accurate result, they were hooked up to a Polygraph during the interview, and an electric shock was administered if the Polygraph detected a lie.

When a 45 year old plumber from Milton Keynes recounted a story about how he was harassed in a restaurant by a moany woman accusing him of being a murderer because he was eating a steak, he was shocked at a total of 11 times. He then changed his story to somebody at his table politely asking the waiter to make a vegetarian dish without cheese. Oh the humanity.

A 37 year old teacher from Lancaster began to talk about his ex girlfriend deliberately sabotaging his bacon sandwich by burning the bacon because she was a cray-cray bitch. He was shocked a total of four times, before admitting that she’d never cooked it before, and it was nice of her to cook him some bacon even though she didn’t really like the smell.

When the results were processed, it was clear that only a small percentage of encounters with vegans were hostile or preachy, and only a minority of people with a vegan diet were annoying loonies.  The study concluded that these people would be annoying loonies anyway, even if being a vegan didn’t exist.

The findings showed a striking gender bias towards male meat eaters making cock-wombley comments like “Get a bacon sandwich down you love!” towards female vegans, although male vegans were targets too.

“This is not really about enjoying a nice sausage sandwich, or actually feeling persecuted by people that love animals,”

Said a spokesperson for the team of nutritionists that carried out the study.

“It’s really more about feeling a bit insecure about your own masculinity and saying nasty stuff to girls on the Internet. Telling everybody on Facebook that you regularly eat steak is supposed to give them the impression that you’re a bit of a cave man and a loveable rogue, who can definitely sustain an erection. And you get to put a girl down with your best attempt at half-baked wit, thus ensuring she blocks you and you don’t accidently message her a picture of your tiny, flaccid penis at half four on a Saturday night when you’re plastered,”

“But for fuck’s sake, let’s get real. You didn’t chase that steak around the Savannah yourself and stick a spear in it. Your wife bought it from Sainsburys. Nil cave man points for you, fucko,”

Shutting The F*** Up Is Vegan Too, Claim Nutritionists

Despite fears of not talking endlessly about the faddy diet that you’ve just started, nutritionists have confirmed that shutting the fuck up about being a Vegan is 100% Vegan.

“When you simply shut the fuck up about being a Vegan, you’re not harming or exploiting any living creature, and you can continue to eat your brown rice and whatever the fuck it is that you have allowed yourself to eat,” say experts.

“By shutting the fuck up, and following the diet that you want to follow, you are in fact sticking to a 100% Vegan diet,”

There are a growing number of people following an ethical, plant based diet in the UK, and support groups are concerned that people aren’t sure when to just simply shut the fuck up about the fact that cheese comes out of a cow’s tits, or that eating eggs is basically eating a chicken’s period.

“If moaning about how gross scotch eggs are actually worked, everybody in the country would now be Vegan,” said celebrity nutritionist Ivana Bannana. “No one gives a toss. It’s like telling a dog not to roll in shit. Just shut the fuck up and get on with your own life. If they’re about to eat a bacon sandwich, the damned pig was already dead anyway, unless you’re some kind of Vegan Jesus or something,”

Linda Rabbit, head of the British Vegan Society responded to the claim:

“It is my choice whether to shut the fuck up about how you would actually like pigs if you had one as a pet, or that I eat fifteen bananas for breakfast and I can run a marathon,”

Said Linda, who regularly friends strangers on Facebook and clogs up their feed with pictures of battery hens crying.

“Some people do choose to simply adopt a vegan diet and then shut the fuck up about it. Some of them even cook the disgusting meat eaters some nice vegan food once in a while, to show them that it’s not all nuts and grass. But I am proud to be a bacon-botherer, and will continue to approach complete strangers on and off the Internet about their diet, burst into tears in restaurants when the person next to me eats some parma ham, and then get all upset when they tell me to piss off,”

Could YOU Be A Commentator For The Daily Mail?

Reactionary tabloid spaff-rag the Daily Mail is one of the most widely read ‘newspapers’ in the world, despite the fact that most reasonable people wouldn’t line their budgie cage with it, in case their budgie suddenly started shouting “Immigrants! Coming over here, giving our house prices cancer!”

But the populist wingnut virtual chip-wrap has seen its notorious ‘comments’ section at the bottom of each article dwindle over the past couple of years, and is now appealing for fresh blood.

The rise of Twitter and other social media, mean it’s now easier than ever to type ignorant, judgemental horseshit about total strangers on the Internet. As a result, activity on the comment boards is at an all time low.

“We think the cold snap has probably killed off half of our commentators,” said the Mail’s only LGBT columnist Melanie Phillips. “They’re all old, mad and don’t have any friends or anything better to do. They’re the kind of people that wouldn’t let British Gas into the house to fix their boiler in case they stole their false teeth, so it’s not surprising the vile comments are dropping off a bit. I can imagine them all frozen solid in their beds, with the jar of crumbs that they’ve saved so that the birds don’t eat them, slowing going mouldy in their icy grip,”

“It’s a great way to harass people indirectly,” said the Devil via Ouija board. “The DM has got into trouble in the past for its pitchfork mentality towards innocent members of the public. Now they just get their readers to do it for them,”

The Daily Mail prides itself on the tolerance, pseudo-Christian values and open-mindedness of its readership, and  is seeking semi-literate applicants with passion and flair.

Last year’s ‘Commenter Of The Year’ award went to Joan Bigot from Hull, with her magnificent “String’em up & make’em eat the key!” rant regarding teenagers performing lascivious acts for free drinks in an Ibiza nightclub. The Mail hopes there are more curtain-twitching dipshits that buy concrete garden mere cats from B&M, that are willing to put their snarky two pee into the overfilled, underpunctuated piss-pot of loathsome twattery that is the Daily Mail comments section.

It’s very easy to apply – all you have to do is scroll to the bottom of your favourite Daily Mail article (preferably one about Josie Cunningham’s tits) and write something that only a friendless fucking moron with absolutely nothing better to do would say.

 

 

Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

Sex To Be Replaced With Crossfit

BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

Chemtrails Are ‘Just Aeroplanes Trumping’ Claims Kylie Jenner

Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts