Nigel Farage To Be Recycled Into Gregg’s Pasties

Ukip leader Nigel Farage is to be recycled into Gregg’s corned beef pasties, the party has announced.

Mr. Farage was a “fantastic leader and a great political communicator, and is going to taste really nice and succulent encased in pastry,” Suzanne Evans told the BBC’s Andrew Marr show.

“The time has come for Nigel to be fried up with a vat of onions and turned into corned beef pasties, for the hard working voters of this nation to finally enjoy,”

She added, noting that he would be the first party leader to be turned into savoury pastries, but wishing him all the best on his journey down the oesophaguses of lorry drivers, post men and women and students.

“I didn’t vote for him, but I would definitely eat a Nigel Farage pasty,”

Said a Gregg’s customer.

“I like all the normal ones like the corned beef one and the cheese & onion, and the sandwiches are nice as well. But it’s a real treat when they do special occasion pastry slices, and I think this one would go down a treat with a nice packet of cheese & onion crisps and a cheeky cream cake,”

Tory ‘Rapture’ Scheduled For Wednesday. Unbelievers Eaten By Demons

The Conservative party have scheduled a ‘rapture’ on Wednesday afternoon, where the faithful will ascend to a new and purer Britain.

Opera singer Katherine Jenkins has been tipped to open proceedings with a rendition of ‘God Save The Queen’. In the new Utopia there will be no food banks, no hooded sweatshirts and no pesky immigrants arriving on boats, fleeing a regime that saw their whole family murdered in front of them. Daily Mail columnist Melanie Phillips has already been appointed Archbishop, and gays and lesbians are automatically excluded from the rapture, to ensure that the weather stays predictable and clement.

Everybody that voted for the Conservative party will literally leave the earth to meet their local MP in the air, and will be guided to a special version of the UK, where they can mix and breed with their own kind.

Those left behind on the day of the Rapture will be eaten by three headed dog-demons the size of ice cream vans, which will issue from Katie Hopkins’s big white Tory arse at half past three in the afternoon. There is no escape from the demons, and the public have been warned to not to even bother trying to run or hide from them.

Image from this website. LOL.

Top Ten Hidden Gems From #WhyImVotingUkip

With election day looming like a storm cloud above a pride parade, here’s a last minute selection of snigger-inspiring tweets from the #WhyImVotingUkip debacle on Wednesday night.

Upholding the great British tradition of taking the piss, we trawled Twitter to bring you ten tweets from the public to make you giggle-snort.

Porn Star Outed As Ukip Candidate

“I’ll never be able to look at his wrinkly old balls bouncing back and forth in the same way again,”

The words of one former fan of veteran porn baron Johnny Rockard from Bristol, after was outed as ‘John Langley’, parliamentary candidate for Ukip.

“It just makes me feel so dirty,”

Said another fan on Twitter.

After it was revealed that porn star Jonny Rockard was in fact Ukip parliamentary candidate ‘John Langley’, a senior porn official has stated that the industry is “proud” to represent people, whatever they do in their private lives – but that Rockard’s other career might compromise his movies.

“After all, we make a living sticking things up people’s bottoms, and we’re as diverse and bisexual as they cum, so we’re not really in a position to judge anyone. Unlike Ukip, we’re accepting of everybody. We’re very disappointed in Johnny, as this is all a bit distasteful and sordid. He’s going to have to have a long, hard, throbbing think about his future in this industry,”

Popular porn actress Busty McGuire has hit out at the revelation, saying she is “disgusted” and calling for his resignation from the grot industry, saying:

“This is entirely inappropriate, and I think he should resign. Porn is truly one of the most diverse, supportive and accepting industries. We all understand what it’s like to be the targets of discrimination and hate because of who we are, and I am just appalled that somebody within our ranks has turned out to be a dirty old Ukipper,”

Half Of Ukip Voters Don’t Trust Cats

Around half of Ukip voters clain they don’t trust cats, finding them all slinky and inscrutable, new opinion research has found.

When pollster YouGov asked Farage fans whether they would describe themselves as prejudiced against felines, only 49% said they were not prejudiced.

35% of Ukip voters needed the question explaining to them twice, with a picture of a cat as a visual aid.

45% of the slack-jawed football hooligans admitted to being “a little prejudiced” while 6% said they were “very prejudiced” – a total of 48%

Of those that admitted to being prejudiced against cats, 26% said they would kick a cat if they saw one, 44% said that cats are “definitely up to something” and 12% said cats were to blame for a rise in crime, despite a recent drop in crime.

Reasons given for being suspicious of cats varied, but a general theme of “they’re all bendy and they make a funny noise” and “Well I’m really more of a dog person, so cats are just wrong” did emerge from the research.

20 Best Amazon Reviews Of Nigel Farage’s New Book

If you’re a fan of sexy Nigel Farage, his latest best selling romp is available to buy on Amazon right now.  Shockingly, some immature people have been trolling this book with sarcastic, rude and surreal reviews.

We’ve picked out a balanced selection of 20 the most helpful Amazon reviews for this product.

20.  Don’t try this at home, kids.

19.  Don’t read this book in bed.

18.  Urgent translation needed.

17.  Enjoy your stay.

16.  Not tested on puppies.

15.  The wrong Nigel.

 

14.  Thunderbirds are go.

 

13.  Purple Reign

 

12.  Suitable for children

11.  Sign of the times.

 

10.  Disappointing.

9.  Life changing stuff.

8.  Quality.

7.  Not fit for purpose.

6.  The colour purple.

5.  Mr. Nonsense.

4. Rhyming slang?

3.  Science.

2.  Purple headed warrior.

1.  Simply inspirational.

UKIP Leaflets Feature Topless Katie Hopkins

UKIP has hired acidic TV rent-a-gob Katie Hopkins to help with a new PR campaign, designed to appeal to women.

The posters and leaflets featuring a smiling, braless Hopkins dressed in a cheeky, topless SS uniform-style dress, designed by scowling, spoon-headed, half-starved sartorial ghoul Victoria Beckham, will feature catchy slogans such as “Katie Backs Britain” and “Muslims Don’t Have Souls And They Should All Just Fuck Off Home,”

UKIP’s head of PR Matthew Richardson explained the unusual step in a press conference on Monday.

“Basically, we’ve tried everything and people still think we’re a bunch of nasty old bigots and a bit of a joke. So we’ve decided to play to our strengths, which means reaching out to the man and woman on the street. We can’t expect women to understand the same propaganda that we use on men, because it’s got numbers in it and stuff. But old Katie’s a good-looking gal and a bit of a laugh, and she speaks her mind. We’re very pleased to have her on board,”

Hopkins was unavailable for comment, as she was taking part in a Satanic, kitten-slaughtering ritual followed by a wife-swapping orgy with showbiz pals Richard and Judy Maidley.

Photo credit: www.huffingtonpost.co.uk

Gays ‘Steal Souls Of Small Children’ Claims Ukip Leaflet

Leaflets claiming that teaching equality is ‘sexual grooming’ and accusing gays of malevolent witchcraft have been handed out at a spring conference in Margate. The literature claims that gays and lesbians want to steal the souls of unborn babies and primary school children and turn them gay, as part of a ‘recruitment drive’.

Describing how Satan gives gays special powers to remove and interfere with the souls of babies and young children, by recitation of barbaric words and blood rituals involving chickens and goats, the leaflet goes on to state:

Satanic transgender imp Baphomet is said to assist predatory gays with their disgusting rituals.

“These ceremonies often take place in sauna near to the school, or at a private house. A number of animals are sacrificed, after which there is a gay orgy to raise a cone of power above the school. The children’s souls are sucked up into a vortex and sent to hell, where Satan turns them all gay. Then the souls are returned to the children intact, apart from where Satan’s imps might have nibbled on them a bit. The child then begins to develop gay interests, ensuring ‘fresh blood’ for the gay community ten years down the line,”

The leaflet also explains why the LGBT community is hell-bent on turning children gay:

“As such people cannot reproduce, obviously their jealousy and covetousness means that they will attempt to steal the souls of the unborn and the young. By teaching ‘equality’ and acceptance of alternative lifestyles, the government has given gays carte blanche to suck out the souls of developing foetuses, and turn otherwise healthy young pupils into gay children, thus ensuring the destruction of the human race,”

“Primary school age children taunting each other about being gay, and using language like dyke and faggot is a healthy and necessary stage of heterosexual development. This ensures an appropriate level of shame and isolation, which prevents children becoming homosexual later in life, and sometimes leads to the self harm, depression and suicide of young gays and lesbians, which can only have a positive impact on the country as whole,”

Ukip’s Only Magic Gay Penguin Resigns

The only magic gay penguin in Ukip has spectacularly quit the party.

 

Bernard, a magic penguin from the North Pole, who has been in a same sex relationship with another penguin for over fifteen years, stepped down from his position as treasurer for the Blackpool branch of the party yesterday.

“Last night I stepped down as treasurer and gave up my membership of Ukip. I found that I couldn’t convincingly campaign for the party any more. I don’t think they even like penguins to be perfectly honest. I think they were just after my magical powers and general wobbly cuteness to attract other penguins to vote.

Bernard believes that only opposite sex penguins should be allowed to marry.

I’m a deeply religious penguin, so I won’t be getting married to my soul mate any time soon, even though penguins do mate for life. God doesn’t like gay penguins getting married, even if he’s cool with civil partnerships,”

Nigel Farage In ‘Death By PowerPoint’ Presentation

Nigel Farage held a party conference yesterday, to address a “serious, reoccurring issue,” that has been troubling the MP “for some time,”

“I find it disgraceful and morally reprehensible that my name is still being pronounced incorrectly,”

Said the Ukip leader. He followed up his opening address with a 3 hour PowerPoint presentation to ease the audience into each syllable. The presentation was described as “Death by PowerPoint” by the entire back row of the conference. Several intricate paper airplanes were left behind after the speech, and the hotel ran out of orange juice.

According to the Ukip leader, the public have been deliberately misinformed as to the pronunciation of the MP’s name, which is widely believed to rhyme with either pronunciation of the word “garage’.

Somewhat controversially Mr. Farage disagreed, citing an old Armenian version of the surname, which is said to mean “Unidentifiable label on top of an Indian takeaway box” and is traditionally pronounced, “badger”.

As the utterly defeated-looking MPs filed from the conference room like zombies, only one would comment anonymously:

“If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck…”

He would not expand on his quote, and whether he was calling Nigel Farage a badger remains ambiguous.

Guest post by Roswell Ivory

https://roswellivory.wordpress.com/

Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

Sex To Be Replaced With Crossfit

BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

Chemtrails Are ‘Just Aeroplanes Trumping’ Claims Kylie Jenner

Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts