Turner Prize For Man That Stuffed 9 Crème Eggs Up Bum

A 34 year old man from Lancashire has been awarded this year’s prestigious art award the Turner Prize, for cramming a total of 9 Cadbury’s Crème Eggs up his rabbit-hole over the Easter weekend, smashing the previous record of 6.

creme eggs up arse

Culture Minister Kim Howelles, who was reading the Sunday Sport on the bog earlier today said in a statemen:

“This is the best thing I have ever seen in my life, and he must have a ringpiece like a chewed orange today. There have been a lot of things missing from popular British art, and conviction is one of them. This exciting young artist has demonstrated that conviction, and I only pray that he has splashed out on some Andrex, as that Smartprice stuff is going to feel he’s wiping his arse on a brick for the next few days,”

The prize, which has previously been awarded for a dead shark, and for Tracey Emin lying in bed drinking vodka in her pants & then not tidying up, was the instant and obvious choice by curators and critics. Its creator has been hailed as a genius and a legend.

Lemon-sucking Evening Standard art critic Brian Sewell, that normally hates everything on general principle said:

“This is a new era in British art. Normally the Turner Prize is a total farce, a conveyer belt of tasteless pranks drooled over by dreary idiots in Primark raincoats. But come on. 9 Crème Eggs. 9! This is a near-perfect metaphor for broken Britain,”

Bruce Patterson will go on display in the Turner Gallery with 9 Crème Eggs up his arse in May.

Sir Trevor McDonald To Join Mafia

Former newsreader Sir Trevor McDonald has revealed that “bitches and money” are behind his decision to become part of an organised crime cartel.

trevor mcdonald

“It was all rather eye-opening”

Said the esteemed journalist, speaking about the ITV documentary “The Mafia With Trevor McDonald”

“These people are much cooler than my other friends, and up to their necks in fast cars and exotic young fanny. I’d never thought of being a career criminal before, but there’s something about “The Mafia With Trevor McDonald” that just has a certain ring to it,”

It’s a surprising move for a respectable journalist, whose only previous antisocial behaviour was accidently saying the C-word on the telly by accident, when he muddled up the words “Kent countryside” on News at Ten. But the mafia are keen to take him into their fold.

“I shall have to think of a nickname now, like Badass McD or Trevor Trouble-Trousers. And what are you looking at, tough guy? You think you can handle the big T.M? Get out of here kid,”