The Newsiest News You Ever Knew
With election day looming like a storm cloud above a pride parade, here’s a last minute selection of snigger-inspiring tweets from the #WhyImVotingUkip debacle on Wednesday night.
Upholding the great British tradition of taking the piss, we trawled Twitter to bring you ten tweets from the public to make you giggle-snort.
An army bomb disposal squad was today trying to remove an unexploded former ‘Apprentice’ candidate with a face like a slapped arse and three miserable kids, from a building in Central London.
Speaking on LBC live, Boris Johnson said:
“We can’t take any risks with the thing. We’re going to cart it off to Kent and blow it up,”
The reality TV star, who was discovered in the basement of a building in the Tower Bridge area of London, was in “significant danger” of exploding, said disposal experts.
A spokesperson for the London Fire Brigade said:
“This is a densely populated area, and there is a diverse mixture of people living and working here. If detonated, the Katie Hopkins could launch into a demonic tirade about absolutely anybody.
The evacuation zone around Katie Hopkins is home to more than 1200 people. A local resident, who has been forced to sleep in a community centre said:
“I’m not allowed to go home until the malignant old relic has been disposed of. I hope they hurry up and explode the terrible artefact, before it breeds or goes on This Morning again,”
Lesbians all over the world have had an epiphany, thanks to a Tweet from an unemployed man in Solihull. Social media experts predict that the world could become 70% less lesbian by tomorrow morning, thanks to this revelation.
Some Lesboes, lezzing each other up in a painting.
The Tweet, sent at 4.07 am on Saturday morning to nobody in particular, was spotted by a lesbian IT consultant, who claimed that it sent cold shivers down her spine. She immediately re-tweeted it to her Lesbian hive, and it was read and re-tweeted by millions of clam-tickling scissor-sisters all over the world.
“I was scrolling through Twitter on my ‘phone. I saw this Tweet. I read it. And then I read it again. And it was like lightening going off in my brain. I realised I’d been mistaken my whole life. I’m supposed to be getting married on Wednesday, but now I realise what a sham that would be, and I’ve called it off,”
The Tweet by Barry Snot from Solihull said:
“All yous lesbos why u go out with manly hosebeast when u cld have a real man? WOT A WAIST!!!”
“I went from making a cup of tea, to dripping like a Butlins water slide in five seconds flat after reading that Tweet,”
Said a lesbian from Brighton.
“I’m quite femme I suppose, but my girlfriend isn’t. All along I just thought I was wildly in a love with a woman with short hair that can mix an Old Faithful with her eyes shut, and knows her way around a fanny and a vintage Suzuki. Now I know I was wrong, and I actually fancy men. Can’t believe I’ve been so confused, LOL. Thank you Barry Snot. By the way, are you single?”
Marriage proposals from former lesbians have been pouring in for the laid-off factory manager from Manchester, who has shut his Twitter down in response to the overwhelming barrage of attention. His girlfriend is said to be “fuming”.
The sun has set for the final time upon the city of Ankh-Morpork, and fans of beloved author Terry Pratchett are already asking Death to do ‘Swapsies’ for Jeremy Clarkson.
A fan from Dublin said:
“I know Mort said ‘THERE’S NO JUSTICE. JUST US.’ but it’s just so horribly unfair. It’s not much to ask to bring him back, and take that egotistical, flappy-faced bigot Jeremy Clarkson instead, and we’ll even throw in Robin Thicke or E.L James. We’ll all pretend it never happened,”
A bereavement councillor, atheist and voracious reader said:
“Bargaining is a natural stage of grief, and many of us try to make a deal with God, Death and other supernatural forces as a way of coping with loss. Not once, in any single case has this ever worked. It is about as effective as asking the dog to do the washing up. But oh go on Death, just this once. Go on go on go on,”
During his 44-year career, Sir Terry wrote more than 70 books, which were translated into 37 languages, and read by an estimated 70 million people. Many fans credit the books with helping them to mentally escape difficult circumstances, as well firing their imaginations and inspiring some to write.
“Pratchett is our most-stolen author. We’ve replaced ‘Good Omens’ in excess of 15 times since it came out,”
Said a librarian from Leeds.
“I’m looking forward to ordering a complete new set of Discworld novels, as many of them will inevitably go missing in the days and weeks to come. And while nothing beats the smell of a new book, a brand-new Pratchett book hot off the press always just smelled a little more exciting. I’m really going to miss that. Can’t somebody have a word up there, and maybe swap him for, I don’t know, Jeremy Clarkson?”
The Beezly Street Gazette 