Are You Beach Body Ready?

You’ve read the adverts, you’ve seen the infomercials, and now you too can be ‘Beach Body Ready’ with a military issue body bag!

Objectors to the new trend say it’s “morbid” and “creepy” and “restrictive”. But we say going on holiday is about what total strangers think of your ass, rather than enjoying yourself and having fun.

As we all know, beaches are not allowed to be fun unless you look like a fitness model. So volleyball, paddling, swimming and sunbathing are holiday no-nos for you I’m afraid. Somebody might look at your butt, and then where will we be? In hell, that’s where. And it will be all your fault for having an ordinary butt.

Instead of walking about or swimming on the beach in a bikini or swimsuit, you simply zip yourself into the bag and pretend to be a corpse for the duration of your holiday. As you can see from the photo, you won’t miss out on your holiday Pina Colada – simply unzip the bag and quickly take a drink while no-one is looking. You could even get one of those big long bendy straws and feed it through a tiny hole in the zip. Just take care to remain motionless, or somebody might call the paramedics.

This radical new beachwear solves all of your completely out-of-proportion body woes in one wipe-clean swish of a zip, and doubles as a dry cleaning bag when you get home.

Crafty gals can cut slits in the bottom of the bag, so that they can walk about in the dead of night without disturbing anyone’s holiday by not looking like Christy Turlington.

Black is an incredibly slimming colour, and we’re sure you’ll love hiding your awful, terrible, imperfect body away by pretending to be dead during your holiday.

The 100% opaque outer casing of the bag deflects the sun’s harmful UV rays, so there is no need to wear sun lotion. How liberating is that? And you’ll sweat so much inside the plastic bag that you will lose up to ten pounds over the course of a week. Imagine that – going on holiday and coming back a whole ten pounds lighter! You can enjoy all of these benefits and more by simply zipping up and lying down. We bet you’re really looking forward to your week in the sun now.

‘Vintage Food Tourette’s’ Causes Disruptions On Tube

A new strain of “Tourette’s-like” virus is causing severe delays on the London Underground. The virus causes the symptoms of a bit of a cold, and an intense desire to shout out the names of terrifying vintage food recipes from 1942 to 1978.

“It’s been hell these last few days. BANNANAS IN ASPIC!” admits a North London mother of two that did not wish to be named.

The delays on the tube are due to passengers not suffering from the virus refusing to sit near those infected. This has led to crowded platforms and empty carriages on all lines. Although there have been no serious injuries so far, a man from Hoxton got his foot run over with a suitcase, after a young family fled into a different carriage, after being ordered to mash a tin of hot dogs with pineapple chunks and set the mixture in savoury jelly.

A regular traveller on the tube that is currently under the weather said:

“I won’t even be thinking about grinding up a pig’s lung and decorating it with sliced apple, and all of a sudden LIVER SAUSAGE DELIGHT, sorry, the name of an appalling recipe from the 1950’s will just pop out. SPAM SALAD LOAF!”

“SNOWY CHICKEN CONFETTI SALAD! EAT IT! IT LOOKS LIKE SICK!” Nodded another passenger sadly, before stuffing a spare pair of tights into her mouth to prevent further outbursts during the short journey from Camden to King’s Cross.

Although it’s a harmless condition, being aggressively ordered to eat ‘Cauliflower Fish Balls’ and arrange hot dogs in the shape of a pentagram can be upsetting, and trigger disturbing memories in older passengers.

“I wasn’t allowed to go out and play until I had finished my trotters with lime jelly salad. I don’t want to re-live those days,” said a pensioner that had moved seats four times in one journey, despite needing a hip replacement. As the tube reached High Barnet, the passengers not suffering from the condition were all crowded into one carriage, with at least seven sufferers banging on the connecting door and raving about pickled Spam.

One terrified passenger leaned over and whispered

“It’s like Day Of The Dead, but with canned sausages instead of brains,”

Photo credits.

Coffee Cups Made From Recycled Hipsters

A Kickstarter scheme is hoping to raise eleven million dollars for a new ‘green’ type of disposable coffee cup.

“Organ donation and pledging your remains to medial science is like, sooooo last century,”

Said Justin Twat, CEO of Cuppa Coffin, a company that recycles the mortal remains of people that live in Shoreditch and Camden, and turns them into cups for chains such as Costa Coffee and Starbucks.

‘Our consumers are young professionals, and when they pop their clogs they want to still feel a part of the daily hustle and bustle, overpriced properties and muggings that they think is so bloody brilliant. Being cremated and then turned into approximately one thousand coffee cups ensures that they still get to ride about on the tube and sit around in offices with abstract paintings on the walls, and be a part of conversations like “Ooooooh my Gooooood! I haven’t seen you in aaaaages! Love your hat! We must go out!”

“Then, when the customer finishes their coffee, they simply chuck it in the bin, or drop it on the floor in the Tube, and it goes straight into a landfill site,”

The City of London produces tonnes of waste from disposable coffee cups every day, and this exciting new initiative ensures that the coffee cups of young professionals and creative are just that bit more special, more exciting and just better than everyone else’s.

Yorkshire People ‘Require Training’ Before Using London Escalators

People from the county of Yorkshire are to be targeted in a government initiative to speed up movement around the London Underground system.

“Have you ever seen somebody from Leeds stepping onto an escalator? It’s like they’ve walked into the moon for the first time,” said the designer of the scheme.

“They’re all like OMG the stairs are moving. I must be on a drug,”

The 3 year survey that pinpointed people from the Yorkshire area also indicated that elderly women from Dewsbury are particularly likely to cause public pile ups. One ‘danger zone’ highlighted was the area just outside the ticket gates.

“We’ve seen it time & time again. Stopping just in front of the gates and carefully putting her Oyster card away in a special little sodding pocket at the bottom of her handbag, because you can’t be too careful in London. Meanwhile she’s caused a ten passenger pile-up to the rear, blocked the ticket entrance, and the poor sod behind her big fat arse ends up grinding a pensioner,”

Checkpoints between Leeds & London are to be trialed next year. Passengers will be escorted to a training facility to learn how to stand on an escalator without offering other passengers pork scratchings, pretending to surf or blocking impatient London people with important London deadlines.

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