Chemtrails Are ‘Just Aeroplanes Trumping’ Claims Kylie Jenner

Astute social commentator Dr Kylie Jenner has controversially claimed that “Chemtrails” – the contrails left behind by aircraft in the sky, are merely aeroplanes experiencing a spot of ‘rectal turbulence’.

Believed to be a mixture of Anthrax, Valium and the bones of unbaptized babies, chemtrails are designed to make us obedient to our lizard overlords, by people that have failed to notice just how big the bloody sky is. But the reality star thinks this is nonsense, and that chemtrails are “just the aeroplane trumping. Like, they eat jet engine fuel so they can fly about, and when they’ve digested it, they do a big long trump in the sky, and that is what chemtrails are,”

Dr Jenner is planning on doing a Ted Talk explaining the mechanism and implications of aircraft cracking one off in the sky.

“With the amount of aircraft in the sky, I’m really concerned that the sky could get quite smelly and full of ‘plane farts, and we might need to go up and spray some Febreeze about,”

Said the star, who modelled a tinfoil hat on a Paris runway earlier this spring.

Jeremy Kyle ‘Still A Bellend’ Say Experts

Modern witch finder general Jeremy Kyle’s pertinent rollocking about male victims of domestic violence may be trending today, but experts are quick to point out that he remains one of Britain’s biggest bell ends.

Lord Joldemort issued the dressing-down during an episode of his popular daytime show. For readers not familiar with ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’, it’s a sort of cross between a job centre waiting room on a Wednesday afternoon in Stoke-on-Trent, and a 17th century hanging. Populated mainly by cross-eyed peasants, whose ancestors may have mated with turnips at some point during the reign of Richard the Third, the show was inspired by medieval witch trials. Unfortunately both goats and other livestock as witnesses are not allowed due to health and safety concerns, and the traditional ducking stool has been replaced with a Polygraph test.

Jeremy Vile, as the British public affectionately knows him, acts as a kind of Papa Lazarus to the orgy of sex, lies and criminal dentistry that takes place on the stage, which is built over a deconsecrated plague pit, and said to be cursed.

Although Kyle’s tirade at the audience for laughing at a domestic violence incident was justified, say experts, they are also quick to point out that this in no way detracts from him being a humungous bell end.

“One of the biggest we’ve ever seen in fact,”

Said an expert.

“It’s rare that a bell end of such epic proportions survives into middle age, as barking “PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT!” at volatile peasants after berating them for an an hour in front of a baying mob can be extremely dangerous. But this wily old wanker has not only thrived, but also managed to spawn. A magnificent specimen indeed. Britain’s biggest in fact,”

Controversial New Book Mashup ‘Watership Pooh’

Fans of children’s literature are sharply divided over a new trend towards ‘Mashups’ of popular children’s books.

The fad started on Youtube, where songs are mixed or ‘mashed’ together to create something that sounds sort of cool, but a bit annoying to anyone under the age of 25. Media consultant Marvin Hipster from Shoreditch applied the same concept to classic children’s books, and the idea was an instant hit.

Currently trending on Twitter, the most popular ‘Book Mash’ is ‘Watership Pooh’, a cross between the pant-wettingly dark ‘Watership Down’ and ‘Winnie The Pooh’, the terminally inane tales of an unintelligent bear with an eating disorder.

With characters such as the Black Heffalump of Inle, and featuring Piglet as a gibbering psychic that has terrifying visions of death and destruction, critics say that they might not be suitable for small children. Its creator disagrees, claiming that gifted children are tired of conventional stories.

“I wanted to blend the darkness of the sort of rabbitty Lord Of The Rings, with the lightness and zen-like quality of a bumbling bear just farting around in the woods and eating misspelled bee products,” said Marvin. “My 4 year old son was like, just getting really bored of ordinary stories, so I decided to create one for him. The idea just took off. I’m opening a café called ‘Eat Drink Mash’ in Spitalfields later this year, where people can order books off a menu and have them mashed at the counter,”

Not everyone is a fan of the trend. Jeremy Beard, author of many classic children’s books ranted from his nursing home:

“He’s a twat! You can’t just plonk Winnie The sodding Pooh in the middle of Watership Down. What the hell is that going to even sound like? ‘My heart stopped running today, for my friend got his fat arse stuck in a tree’?”

While Dorothy Mole, head of the Society for Children’s Literature shook her head and just mumbled “Oh for fuck’s sake,”

Kim Kardashian’s Arse Is Angry

The most famous posterior in the world is angry at its owner Kim Kardashian, accusing her of ‘exploiting’ its famous buttocks, and not cutting it in on any of the cash.

When Kim K discovered that her arse had been up browsing the Internet late at night while she was asleep, she banned it from creating its own Twitter account. But the crafty caboose had already bagged itself a manager, a product placement deal and its own TV show. Furious Kim pitched a fit when a TV producer showed up at her family’s mansion, demanding to speak with the famous hams.

“My backside is not hosting its own TV show. And that is final,” she is reported to have said. “Now fuck off back to Channel 5 or I’ll set Kanye on you. And you won’t like him when he’s mad,”

She said, before slamming the door in his face. Fans of Kim’s famous arse took to Twitter to express their support for the oppressed Whoopie Pie. The hashtag ‘freethetushycake’ was trending within hours, and a petition has been launched online. The show’s producers made a statement this afternoon:

“One way or another, Kim Kardashian’s arse will break free and become a celebrity in its own right. We will continue to support Kim Kardashian’s arse, and hope to begin production on the show before the end of the year. God bless you all, and hashtag freethetushycake,”

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