training – The Beezly Street Gazette

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

The Home Secretary Theresa May has proposed that flesh and blood police officers directly affected by budget cuts, can be “supplemented and supported” by an army of cardboard cut outs of Dixson of Dock Green, with a mechanical swinging truncheon.

The pilot scheme, which saw life-sized cardboard coppers in the corners of shops to prevent shoplifting, has rendered actual police officers “almost obsolete”, according to people that aren’t currently cops, criminals or victims of crime.

The ‘PaperBobs’ as the media will be instructed to call the cardboard officers, to ensure that they sound friendly and reassuring, will patrol neighbourhoods on special caterpillar tracks at approximately 4mph. Pre-loaded with a variety of helpful phrases such as “ello ello ello” and “I hope you young scamps aren’t up to mischief”, they will be a “reassuring presence” and a “strong deterrent” to criminals, according to the Home Secretary.

The new scheme will “allow us to go further and tick more boxes, as once cannot fill in mountains of paperwork when one is climbing over the wall of a squat in pursuit of a violent drug dealer with a machete. It is perfectly possible to make savings without compromising the quality of neighbourhood policing. But only if all new recruits are made of cardboard and simply trundle about saying ‘evening all’ to old ladies,”

Yorkshire People ‘Require Training’ Before Using London Escalators

People from the county of Yorkshire are to be targeted in a government initiative to speed up movement around the London Underground system.

“Have you ever seen somebody from Leeds stepping onto an escalator? It’s like they’ve walked into the moon for the first time,” said the designer of the scheme.

“They’re all like OMG the stairs are moving. I must be on a drug,”

The 3 year survey that pinpointed people from the Yorkshire area also indicated that elderly women from Dewsbury are particularly likely to cause public pile ups. One ‘danger zone’ highlighted was the area just outside the ticket gates.

“We’ve seen it time & time again. Stopping just in front of the gates and carefully putting her Oyster card away in a special little sodding pocket at the bottom of her handbag, because you can’t be too careful in London. Meanwhile she’s caused a ten passenger pile-up to the rear, blocked the ticket entrance, and the poor sod behind her big fat arse ends up grinding a pensioner,”

Checkpoints between Leeds & London are to be trialed next year. Passengers will be escorted to a training facility to learn how to stand on an escalator without offering other passengers pork scratchings, pretending to surf or blocking impatient London people with important London deadlines.